the courage to trust...

I just picked up on recommendation a book called, "The Courage to Trust," by Cynthia L. Wall, LCSW. And I just cracked the spine. I love that she uses the words - "Trust Wisely". She also calls it a skill, a choice or a gift that you share with others. In trusting someone, we look for the compassionate response. Acceptance. All it takes is shift in the emotional current to completely shut down a conversation based on one's attempt to share something meaningful. Loss and betrayal by your caregivers, or parents, sets the stage up to make it difficult to build one's own inner confidence. Because it is such a difficult action, why would anyone want to bother to trust at all?

"Almost anyone has found a way to their feelings, flaws and dreams. Hiding your authentic self may be a means to avoid rejection, and seen as the only way someone could ever love you."

The first chapter deals with the betrayal of parents to be able to love their children as they should. How could you possibly learn trust if you parents abused you, frightened you, ignored or neglected you, criticized or shamed you or abandoned or rejected you? There is that word again, abandoned. But you can add abused, criticized, frightened and shamed to my personal list. And I keep telling myself God doesn't make junk and I was born perfect. I survived my own personal set of horrors.

What is interesting is that I am honest to a fault. I tell the truth and then am betrayed. It is as though I have poor boundaries around this issue completely. Hopefully this book will give me some direction on how to deal with my poor boundary issues and my need to reveal too much to someone I believe to be trustworthy without putting them to the test. I trust much to easily and have followed the rule, "trust until you're given a reason not to." I don't know that this has served me well.

Trust is the heartbeat of every single relationship. And I see I do not model that well in my own relationship with my partner. I tell him the truth, but feel unheard. I suppose that would mean he isn't listening but I think it is bigger than that. Because I feel unheard, I feel less willing to share. And I think that create issues of broken trust because one would assume if no one cares to listen to them, then what it the point of the conversation? So is my partner interested in hearing about me, my stories and being about to find the compassion to help me deal with them? I haven't seen that action. So who has really violated the trust? It is confusing to me in that regard.

Ohhh - I like this book. Now it wants me to journal. So I will have a writing exercise to try. "What does trust feel like?"

Should be a good exercise.