You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales

That fantasy of what your life would be

White dress

Prince Charming who’d carry you away to a castle on the hill

You’d lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith

Santa Claus

Tooth Fairy

Prince Charming

They were so close you could taste them

But eventually, you grow up

One day, you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears

most people turn to the things and people they can trust.

But the thing is...

it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely

cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith

that one day they’ll open their eyes and it will all come true.

And once in a while, people may even take your breath away.

meredith...

An early bird catches the worm.

A stitch in time saves nine.

He who hesitates is lost.

We can’t pretend we haven’t been told.

We’ve all heard the proverbs

Heard the philosophers,

Heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time,

Heard the damn poets telling us to seize the day.

Still, sometimes, we have to see for ourselves.

We have to make our mistakes.

We have to learn our own lessons.

We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug,

Until we can’t anymore,

Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant.

That knowing is better than wondering.

That waking is better than sleeping.

And even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake,

Beats the hell out of trying.
Maybe we like the pain…

Maybe we’re wired that way.

Because without it, I don’t know.

Maybe we just wouldn’t feel real.

What’s that saying,…

"Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?"

Because it feels so good when I stop.

Fear

I don’t know why we put things off.

But if I had to guess, I’d say it has a lot to with fear.

Fear of failure.

Fear of pain.

Fear of rejection.

Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision.

Because what if you’re wrong.

What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo?

Whatever it is we’re afraid of, one thing holds true…

that by the time the pain of not doing the thing,

gets worse than the fear of doing it,

it can feel like we’re carrying around a large tumor.

I feel like my entire life has been put on hold. It is like being held in a box where there is no escape. I am stuck waiting for time to pass while others outside of me make decisions about my financial future. And I dislike this very much. It is paralyzing my growth. Nowhere to move. But the world keeps moving. I can’t advance because I face being penalized. For five more years. And I feel like I have been imprisoned for 2 ½ years already. It feels incredibly unfair. Horrible truly.

Call it what you want. A monkey on my back.

I never thought in a million years I would be faced with this level of financial ruin. I have always been generous – sometimes to a fault – but not over the top excessive. I had been saving for my retirement, had a lovely house that wasn’t inflating years ago but was affordable (more affordable than what I have now), everything was paid for – no loans, no cost for health care and on top of that, I was making a generous living so I was able to travel and afford a decent lifestyle.

I attribute the weight I have gained since I moved here to deep rooted sadness.  It shows externally my depression and sadness at losing my perceived identity.  Isn’t that why people gain weight? Because on some level, they care little about themselves. 

I moved to a new place, a new country that I had trouble adjusting to. Having defined myself by what I could accomplish, I was unable to resume my career and could never really make a decent living despite my skills (which are amazing!).

So hence the depression that has held for years that I attribute solely to my inner voice and the tapes that go around in my head telling me things I thought I had long since let go of. And I have noticed those tapes resurfacing in the past few months, regurgitating the negative talk I heard endlessly as a child. I am now a grown up so it seems to me that that should stop. Shouldn’t it? The insecurities. The false accusations of my parents I believed by osmosis. I thought I had changed the chorus. Because the voice inside of me, the one who knows my authenticity, screams STOP IT!  You are worthy! Of everything that comes you way. In every way.

But that little Wendy needs constant validation. When do you finally believe your worth? Does anyone know? Can anyone help me with this?

To tell you the truth, my wrist is sore from snapping elastics against it.  Every time I miss the family I have that doesn’t love me or the relationships I believed were true and loving that weren’t or miss the false validation I received from them, I slap the elastic and repeat that that person or persons is (was) abusive. And I am drawn to fixing and repairing the abused. And they all find my inner vulnerabilities and exploit them and wonder why I am hurt.

It should have occurred to me to put all of that energy into myself. Shouldn’t it? I mean really. It’s about time… I mean, I am almost 50. And I want a better second half. Fulfilling. Loving. Appreciating the gifts God gave me and being with someone who loves me. Truly.

Because it’s the year of Wendy. And that’s what matters most.

You are my Sunshine

This was a tough day for you sweetheart. You are going through great big changes - starting to want to exert your independence. You go from 0 to 60 in one breath and then you release your angst in screams and tears. You get frustrated because you make mistakes and then are embarrassed. And you take it all out on me because you know I'll always love you. That is true. I will.
But it isn't how you should vent those frustrations. Life is hard. True. But being aggressive with yourself - feeling backed into a corner with your mind - makes things very difficult for you. The tears and the fighting back in defense - with yourself and me... with yourself and your father - will never serve you well.  We will be there for you always. 
We are all human beings with feelings. We feel happy. We feel excited. And we can hurt very badly.
Your words to me can hurt me very badly. 
We work hard to give you everything you need. And we work even harder to give you some of the things you really want. You never have had to ask. Remember darling, we were once your age so we know what it is like to wish for things you really want. And you are blessed to receive far more than our parents were able to give us. Things are difficult for us to afford. But it is easier than it was for our parents. So our view is that you are very blessed.
I work a lot of extra jobs so that you can attend private school and unfortunately, it has cost a lot of time and money you and I could spend traveling. Don't forget the precious time we could spend one on one together. It is never a sacrifice because you are a priority to me. Over and above anything in my life, you are my reason for living. You are my legacy. And all I wish to be remembered for is doing my very best at being your mama. Not for the beautiful buildings I designed that I won awards for. Not for overcoming all the challenges that have presented themselves in my life. Not for all the time I gave to non-profit work, doing my best to try to help everyone in our community. None of it holds a candle to you, my precious darling. We all get opportunities to touch the world in different ways. I feel like I am doing the best I can to touch everything that brings me great passion. But your happiness and our relationship is my ultimate priority. Never forget that. Never.
But you are growing up and I am afraid I won't be able to "touch" you if you keep building these walls to be tough and so grown up. You need to remember that everyone has feelings honey. Just because you don't like what someone says doesn't give you permission to be unkind or say something that hurts their feelings. 
I absolutely love spending time with you. It is fun to go shopping. To see what you love. Because I am fascinated by what you like. And I want to do these big girl things with you. I know you might feel embarrassed to shop with your mama. But the thing to say would be that you don't wish to go shopping. Not say something like, "Stop asking me if I like this and that. Stop it! You're irritating!" That is simply not what you should say when you are frustrated. It makes me not wish to spend time with you. And when I call you on it or correct you, you fly away into crazy-land where you scream and shout and then cry. Out of embarrassment? Out of frustration? I am not sure. But back stepping is wrong. Being honest is right. Speaking your truth is the right thing to do. And the mature thing to do. 
So try it sometime honey. I am here to practice with. 
One more thing.
At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines, that are way too dangerous to cross.  Here's what I know, if you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular! So give everything your best try. Because every time you fall, you learn. Then you get back up and try it again. And one day - you succeed!
I love you my darling. Let's try this all again, OK?
And remember, you are my sunshine and always will be. xox

Sade - Never As Good As The First Time

Left my husband.
Moved to my apartment on Elbow Drive.  It was in Calgary. I was single. Strong. Excited.
Hot boyfriend. Great sex. Hot boyfriend. 
Lots of Sade. Lots of sex. Tons of fun. Great boyfriend. Did I say that already?
That boyfriend just kept on coming back. Doesn't speak much for his emotional stability hanging out
with Miss Unpredictable. He was a like a Timex watch. You know...
First time owning a cat - Katie. In a one bedroom apartment. Fabulous!
We still used record players and reel to reels for great quality music.
Time. Changes. No Walkmans. No computers.
I did have an Astratune however.
Oh to be young again. Hmmm - 1985. Sheesh. Seems like a lifetime ago.
OK - I was 24 years old plus or minus a year. Looking back, that marriage didn't last very long. However we were together for over eight years. That's a 1/3 of your lifetime when you're 24.
Here's some advice for you dear Kami. Never marry your high school sweetheart (yes I know it works for some) but the second piece of advice would be try before you buy.
And don't ask you parents for a ton of money on a lavish wedding. Have them put it in trust to save for you for when the bubble bursts. Get married on the beach. I promise to come and bring anyone you want (less than 10 people). Gotta set my limits since the economy crashed.
OK - I know what you're all thinking. Just because I made these mistakes doesn't mean she will too. But the toxic bliss of loving and feeling loved can be addictive. Doesn't last. Reality sets in. Then you're fucked. 
Nothing compares to the joy of youth and freedom. So much fun. Memories. Great ones that give me an ear to ear smile! :)
I wonder if that now married ex-boyfriend needs Viagra now? God it's fun to be almost 50.
Is it some sick joke that we amp up as women when men's parts simply quit working? I wanna know what that's all about. Really. It's a cruel sick joke.
Doesn't give me a lot of hope for round two.

borderlines

I have been reading a lot about borderline personalities. My mother is a borderline. The easiest way to be with her is to not be with her for very long. Or not at all. Perhaps that explains the ease of being a 14 hour drive away.
She can shift from loving you to hating you as fast as you can snap your fingers. It is a difficult illness to figure out because the people who love borderlines often do a dance of confusion with them. To live with a borderline is almost asking for complete chaos. I suppose this is alright when you go into a relationship knowing what to expect.  But when you are their child, you are powerless. There is nowhere to go.
Unfortunately, most people have little to no idea why their beloved acts the way they do. Reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About has a Borderline Disorder" has opened my eyes wide to what I endured as a child.
Borderlines often do not seek help because they don't see anything wrong with their behavior. Their actions are coping mechanisms that are learned during their formative years to cope - often from the abuse of their parents. And borderlines always... always... choose co-dependants to be in relationships with. This is so they are never left. They carry great fears. And abandonment is one of those fears.
"Exposure of oneself leads to toxic shame. A shame based person will guard against exposing their inner self to others, but more significantly, they will guard against exposing themselves to themselves."
NonBP's often feel manipulated and lied to by their BP loved ones. They are controlled and taken advantage of by silent treatments, no-win situations, threats often involving police, instant rages and other methods that are drastic and unfair. (Do any of you reading think this sounds remotely familiar?) It is really much like emotional blackmail and is unfamiliar territory to a nonBP.
These are desperate methods a BP takes to cope with their painful feelings or to get their needs met. And they carefully mask the pressure they are applying. They are clever and intelligent, often getting to know the person they need on an intensely intimate level. They are also very skilled at reading the person they select to comfort them - which often gives them the label of being "emotional vampires".
BPs often play a game of "tag, you're it"; when a BP tags you, they are unconsciously trying to transfer their own behaviors, feelings or traits to you. In doing this, the BP thinks they are defective in some sort of way so they transfer these thoughts to the nonBP. An example might be - "You made me have this affair because you're such a lousy wife" - when what they say to themselves is... "I had this affair because I think I am a lousy husband and don't deserve to be loved." BPs actually can accuse you of the very behavior they are actually doing. Then they use this imagined behavior to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions.
Sound complicated?
Try loving one. It is living in a state of constant confusion. Truly meant to drive you emotionally around the bend. And finally, you end up just as sick as the person who has the mental illness.
BPs traits include "splitting" - or black and white thinking. They deny flaws because to assume them would make them less than perfect. So their thinking would be this...  "There seems to be a problem. It's not my fault. Therefore, the problem must be yours."
After game after game like "tag, you're it" - the nonBP may start to behave in a way that makes the BPs accusations true. And this is called projective identification.
You can see I am learning a lot here. And it makes sense to me. If you repeat a lie long enough, people will believe you. As you can see, a nonBP ends up feeling somewhat brainwashed - the messages are consistent, the nonBP is isolated in the relationship, add some form of abuse or addiction, get the nonBP to doubt that they know what they think or feel, keep them hopping, wear them down, add in some sleep deprivation and what do you finally end up with? And eventually, the BPs negative predictions finally come true. Pretty clever. Pretty scary. All at the same time.
Being in a relationship of any kind with a BP can be so emotionally exhausting that some people find it's not worth the effort to sustain it. As the nonBP increases their emotional dependence on the BP, everything begins to feel normal because there is little to compare it to. And then the cycle of abuse is unending. It truly becomes a self serving relationship to the BP and one that is abusive.
Finally - and I am only one third through this book - BP behaviors include verbal abuse, perceived manipulation and defense mechanisms that destroy intimacy and trust. It becomes unsafe for the nonBP who can no longer trust that their deepest feelings and innermost thoughts will be treated with love, emotion or care.
So this also describes the unexplainable behavior of my dear friend. It is no wonder I wandered around in a state of confusion the past two months. I could never explain the irrationality. Sure - I work with people I love who have mental illnesses so I expect some irrational behavior. But this was unexplainable irrationality. No cause from my end. Just the need for Consistency for my anxiety. And that simply wasn't possible.
There is great comfort in knowing I was able to maintain my sanity. It has been a painful learning experience. But the more I dive in, the more I learn about the differences in mental illnesses. It increases both my awareness and my level of understanding and compassion. And for my need to maintain solid boundaries to stay safe. To protect my empathetic heart.  
I simply can't model recovery unless I am well. So in this learning, I intend to stay well.

closure

It didn't come easy. I had to fight for it. But I feel calm now. I feel at peace.
I drove up and parked and there you were.
Texting. Ignoring me. I waited. 
Should I? I was petrified. Exactly what I think you wanted me to feel.
See yah. You waved me off. But I needed closure.
I stopped you. And you returned. You gave me the three minutes I fought for.
Yes - I was abused. But I still needed closure. And I wasn't letting that go.
How could this be?
What could I have done?
And there it was.
You looked so hurt. In so much pain.
Wedding ring on. Scars from the ladder. Pale.
Truly the broken man you say you are. And I just wanted to hug you but your posture was frozen. Cold. Afraid. Defensive.
I was trying to do everything I could to save your job. It was important to me.
I need to stay away. Don't you get it? You never get it. 
Don't tell me how I feel... you said.
And you were right.
I guess I was echoing your words once to me.
Like it was yesterday.
Is he gone? Is he dead? Where did my best friend go? Who was this person?
And in your smile to me when I mentioned "Hope",
I saw a glimpse of what once was. My old friend came back for a moment.
The strong person in recovery I grew to respect and love.
The person on which I drew my empowerment to grow up past my stunted self.
That was your gift to me. A precious gift. The love was addictive because it helped me grow.
And as I told you, I missed my friend. I missed him a lot. Another smile.
Can we be friends again someday?
Not now. No I won't re-engage. But in time. A long time. A very long time.
Thank you for my Kindle back. By the way, what did you get me anyway, I thought.
Consider your anger borderline.
I will. I am seeing a counselor.
And I wish you great healing in what you want. Because I only ever wanted for you what you wanted for yourself. I thought I was there for you.
I was there for you too. Yes you were. I am so grateful.
I am more than a piece of crumpled trash to be tossed away.
And my actions were what I would have done for anyone I cared for.
I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I wanted so much for you. I am sorry you are hurting.
Don't give up on your recovery. Come back. It is a relapse. You are beautiful in God's eyes.
Believe in your divinity. He is there for you.
No one wants me there at group. I am never coming back.
Yes they do.
No they don't. I know some people don't want me.
That isn't true. Well it would be your choice. But in helping others, you are healed. 
And there are people who need your help. See beyond your pain.
Believe that. And Jaime is helping me. And Jen has been there too.
You should never have shared with Jen.
I love Jen. I had to share. Let me go. I share where I feel safe.
Don't be afraid. No one will hurt you. No one wants to hurt you.
Please stop aggressing. It is scary and undeserving to me. Why do you want to scare me?
Because you don't listen. Listen to what? Your fear? Your rage? I know you wish things could be different. Because you almost jumped that edge. Almost...
I could feel that.
And you are a treasure. And I do think of you always. And I do love you.
Because I gave my heart to you. In but a whisper of time.

I just can't but you can hope.

Believe me it was real. It was real. Hope. Hold on to hope.

Yes you can.
And we will.
Good luck. Good bye. Let go. Let God. 
With love. 

what awaits me...

What inspires me? A lot of things do. I get joy out of watching progress. Meaning anything that is changing in a positive direction. It is an interesting way to evaluate things. 
My first thought is the coming of spring. So the progress is slowly watching the snow melt, icicles forming on the eaves. Drip. Drip. Drip. The height of the frozen drifts lowers gradually by day, soon exposing the dirt and sand used to eliminate the ice on the roadway. And as the moisture evaporates upward to the heavens, all that remains of winter is the musky smell of residual mold and dust. Moving about in little tornados when the winds blow. It is all progress towards something more beautiful. Springtime. Crocus pushing their green sprouts up through the soil. Buds on the limbs of the trees. The smell of trees after the rain.
I come alive in the spring. The warmth that surrounds us at this moment in January is deceiving because it is still only January. But it gives me hope of what awaits me around the corner. Being my favorite season, I anticipate its arrival. And it inspires me to declutter. Remove the barren sadness of winter. Enjoy a rebirth. A new year. A new me. A new chance at doing things again from fresh.
I am renewed with hope in springtime of better things to come. Maybe it is more important at this moment because I am feeling flat at this moment. Unfortunately, nothing's improving in my personal relationship. But great excitement in what is coming for my daughter. I get to do a bit of design work for her bedroom. Time to grow it up, my little miss. Make it a white, purple and black or brown wonderland or teenage paradise. Very fun for her.  Extra exciting for me. It is coming this spring.
Then I have thoughts about how to make her spring break a total delight. What can we both do together? A mother daughter trip? 
And then come thoughts of my 50th Birthday. What should I do to honor my special day? Take a trip? Rent a convertible? Hmmm..... 
All exciting things coming up. Things I can plan for and look forward to and that brings me great joy. I can't wait. Because it feels spontaneous and it really is. Even thought I have to plan it to afford it. But I will make it happen in a uniquely special way.
So the match has lit the wick and it slowly burns. My mind is swirling with new ideas. The end of this year will show great change and I am excited. I can't wait to see exactly what I can accomplish. After all - there are a lot more days in the year of Wendy and I intend them to all be full.

recovery

Not feeling too chipper today. However, in the darkness, I had a bright light of gratitude for the people in my group. The men especially for being strong appropriate role models for me. They offer compassion, love and support without breaking boundaries. And I have set solid ones in place to protect me. My walls are up again. There are moments when I look back and feel sad that I gave over my trust to care deeply for someone who never truly cared about my feelings. Someone who wanted to collect my vulnerabilities like coins and tossed them in the air at his convenience when he needed to save himself. No heads. No tails. Took not a moment to treat me with kindness or compassion. No gratitude. Only insults directed my way. Threats. The message? Wendy = Trash. That's why I am going to save myself. Wendy = Trash.
I never did anything to deliberately hurt anyone. I took in a friend who asked for support. And now every time I spin around I am jabbed by yet another stick. Anger. Hurt. Pain. Sadness.  
I hate how those emotions remove the time and energy that I would rather spend on sharing love, goodness, support and forgiveness.
So that's truly it.
Truly.
I turned a corner. Stronger than ever now.
Every once in a while a shadow appears that frightens me. But I will prevail. I am strong. Kick me again. And I get even stronger. I went into this to be someone who could role model recovery and I haved finally polished my wheels and am rolling back onto the tracks. I make mistakes. Everyone does. And I am forgiving. I am now there. I have stayed in forgiveness despite my heartache. I have forgiven myself. It is day by day. One day at a time. Life is good once again. Because I am reclaiming the control I relinquished to someone who promised to never to betray me - never walk away from our friendship. And if integrity, love, friendship and honesty are my guideposts, then I feel like I have stood my ground and responded justly.
By being truthful. By being myself. By coming to the table only with understanding. I  continue to honor by spirit by being myself. His own words to me? I was a friend to be treasured. A gift. And I believed and still believe that because it is the core essence of who I am. So in believing that, I am going to hold it positively and go after what is best for me. Soldier on. 
Be the best person I can be. Model that in my own recovery. And hold the hands of others who really want to get there. Because I am on my way. And I want to welcome anyone and everyone to join me.

zzzzz.......

Sleep has always come easily to me. When I have anxiety, however, I need to take benzos to sleep. If I take Xanax, I might get a three or four hour stretch - then it's really hard to get back to sleep. A hot candlelight bath or maybe reading a book until my eyes get droopy. That helps. And if it doesn't. well then there's always another Xanax. If I take Clonazepam or Klonipin, I can sleep through the entire night but no REM sleeping. No dreaming. And sometimes I keep sleeping in until noon. Doesn't feel as amazing though.
So it was almost 5 months of solid anxiety this fall. I felt like I was needing sleep aids all the time. Because not sleeping is not an option for a person with a panic disorder. It took a couple of weeks of slowly weaning off them but I am back in my natural rhythm. And I must say - it is wonderful. Totally changes my frame of mind. 
Every night I have is a blessed REM night.  Deep dreams that carry me away in my imagination. Far far away. And when I wake up I feel as though I have slept for days. It is amazing how a natural, dream filled sleep truly refreshes you. 
I always look forward to going to sleep. I think because my mind that's always going stops. Everything stops. The worrying. The thinking. The chatter. The spinning. And my brain cleanses itself with goofy dreams in color.
Speaking of dreams, most every night my visions tie to a story that makes no sense. They are kodacolor-ful and return in gentle wisps throughout my day. When I dream about my dad, he always leaves when my mother shows up. That can be disappointing because I miss him terribly and connecting at night is life a gift. My sexual dreams - well - I am keeping those to myself... But they happen often enough to spice up the darkness. And I have a strange work related dream where I change job locations but my mentor is always in it. Designer still am I. The ending is reoccurring trauma about having to leave without saying goodbye - and it is like reliving the great collapse of my life when my mental illness took me down.
Then I have several incredibly special dreams where I have traveled somewhere beyond the spiritual horizon. They have comforted me in my darkest times. Connected me with my transitioned friends and family. Even forecast my future. I can remember every single detail; the intricacies of the color, the patterns of fabrics, the softest of speech and more wonderfully, the way everything smells. Pushing the rewind button returns all of the sensations that made me feel safe.
So it's almost time to close my eyes again and drift off to my own piece of heaven. I wonder where I'll go tonight? Where ever it is, I must say I am glad it's drug free and that I am feeling at peace.

refocusing...

It is clearly a mother's job. To sit in the school pick up line waiting to pick up your precious child. 
There it goes... my xylophone ringtone fills the car. "Are you there mama?" Well of course I am. I am always dependable and reliable and I love being with her. So it is a great way to claim a few moments of time while she is still young enough to want to speak with me.
By nature, everything I go through in life goes through a brain blender. I spin it around endlessly. Around and around. Hoping to make sense of it. So I can find the right place to file it. The right place to store it forever. And once I decide on that place, I work out all possible future scenarios regarding any life incident and figure out how I will deal with it. Pre-anticipation, I suppose, to alleviate the stress. Doesn't leave me much time to feel mindful. Live in the present.
So a friend from my group said something to me today. Something like -- "What would you say if you stopped at that gas station? Get a life? Honestly, the same could be said about you." It grabbed my attention immediately. I thought I had a life. But this event made me realize that I had put all my positive energy, my heart and soul, into celebrating the other person's recovery. None into my own. None celebrating myself. None celebrating the gift of my child. And I realized at that moment that I had given way too much of myself away. I had every red flag that has ever been created flapping itself in front of me. But I ignored all of them. I was focused on believing completely in the success of my prodigy. There was no room for that person to move. Talk about pressure on someone with a serious illness. So just as they thought I'd save them, they were also expending energy trying to save me. 
Now that doesn't remove that person's inability to accept responsibility for their own actions. Those are their own. And they could learn a lot from this if they choose to.
It became clear and obvious to me. I can say I am some sort of wonderful giver. But that's not completely true. I gave because I was also getting. So the benefit was mutual. And I should never have put all that pressure to stay well on the shoulders of someone who clearly was struggling with their own serious issues. They were not well and in looking back, obviously, I was unconsciously adding additional pressure to be perfect in my eyes. Not good recovery behavior.
Not from someone who claims to never judge.
So what will I say when that time comes? Here it goes... "How are you?" It is enough. And really, it is all I care about.   
So I now integrate this story into my life. I learn from it and can now file it. I truly want to move beyond it now. Because my illness requires me to be mindful. Present in every moment. No more what if's? because it is over and they have clearly moved on. They aren't thinking about my feelings nor should they.   
And the hurtful way I have been treated? Well that's the illness. The sickness. And it isn't the person I wish to know. Because life is too short not to cherish and appreciate the love you give or have received. If I wanted to hang out with sick people, I'd check myself in. Period. 
Into the file box it goes. No more judgment - whether I believe I don't do it or do, by default. I move forward. And I can be fully present once again to the people I love that offer me something in my life that have there for me. Validation. Respect. Truth. And, most importantly, to me, love.
And to my precious child who has seen me through the worst of this betrayal I thank you. Because without you, I would have been lost. I wasn't fully present for you and my heart breaks because it was Christmas. Remember that your mama makes mistakes and I simply got caught up in my own drama. It was foolish of me to now looking back at my lack of discernment. No focus. You are my priority and always have been. I know now that the validation and love for me has to come from me. No one else's matters so much. Love is not about what I can give. It is about who I am. Who I was created to be. I must give to me what I so easily give to others.
So I promise you to learn from this life lesson and work harder on that. I love you sweetie.
More than all the stars in the sky.

my group. my support.

I have to say, when things shifted in the group, I wasn't sure how I could go back. Would it feel the same? Would I be shunned because I did spend my energy in more of one direction? I care completely for all the people in the group. And not unlike them, I feel closer to some than others. However, my fear was that this may have felt transparent to some and that they would be snarky when I came back because they knew I had a unique friendship with one of the members. 
I guess it could have been any one of them really. But this person and I shared interests and wit. We bounced ideas off each other, laughed at each other's jokes and had compassion for our unique vulnerabilities - which were actually the same. I encouraged his wellness and he encouraged mine. 
I must admit, the first time back felt odd. Because he vanished in thin air. How do I explain this to the others? I chose not to explain anything except to retell the story he shared the last time we attended group. I told all of them that if they wanted information, they could call him themselves. I needed distance. Time to put the abandonment of my friendship, the disregard of my feelings and complete lack of gratitude for my kindness behind me. 
It has now been over three weeks and I walk into the group, with new members that I know and love and the original group who have been loving and supportive and know it would have been so much harder without them. They know me. I have been real with them. And they have been real back. It has been honest and real. What I thought was, wasn't. I thought wasn't, is. What an incredible lesson I have learned.
This event in my life has changed me. I won't be so quick to believe so completely and give so freely ever again.
But I am still all about love and goodness. I was authentic. I was honest. I spoke my truth. And I did nothing wrong to deserve to be punished. So my values have not and will not change. 
So just as these amazing people who walk life's mental health journey with me validate my feelings as authentic, I thank them with gratitude for their love and support. Just the simple gesture of silence. Being heard. And that is real love. They care. And it is real. They want to spend their time with me.   
And they are modeling, by example, what recovery really is.
I'll get there guys. I promise.

i saw you

I saw you.
It was brief.
I was driving along. You were getting gas. And my heart stopped.
Should I pull in?
Should I keep going?
I was respectful.
I kept going.
But it felt strange because I felt sorrow.
And fear. Why fear?  
Are your words to scare me... really?
I am not afraid. 
I have done nothing wrong.
Or are you just vulnerable and fearful? 
Afraid to hurt me? Afraid of hurting yourself more?
You have nothing to be afraid of.
Because you shared your truth.
Was it your truth?
Because we have done nothing wrong.
I simply believed you.
Being friends isn't wrong.
Supportive of individual journeys isn't wrong.
Life is like walking a tightrope. It's tough.
Really tough.
And we all need our friends. To get by.
Remember, the shared experience empowers us.
And I miss you my friend.
I really do.
And I wish you peace.

it's a mad world...

True to the madness that I feel at times and that which surrounds me, I dedicate this beautiful song adapted by Donny Darko from a Tears for Fears song in the late 80's.
I miss you terribly tonight... xox

damn mental illness

I can't tell if it's my mental illness, my age or my current circumstances causing this depression I am feeling. I said just last week that having a mental illness has been such a gift in my life because it has opened my eyes to a deeper sense of compassion, love and understanding of other people. But just because I have that, doesn't mean I have a tough exterior. I can hurt. I can feel broken. I can feel loss and great sadness - even when things in my life are truly not that bad. I am not some super Consumer or Peer.
I am not sure who is reading my blog at this moment. Sometimes I don't care. Today would be one of those days. Because I just need to emote. Get my feelings out. Everyone around me sees my bright sunshining smile. Good old happy Wendy - spreading her love across the town making everyone feel so much better about themselves. Or at least giving it the good college try.
But under that smile is a woman begging to feel loved and held. Treasured and revered. And she needs to find that in herself. Give it to herself. I have looked for kudos externally - all around me in fact. I work hard, try to be a good friend and ask little but friendship returned with a combination of honesty, goodness and compassion. Why is that so difficult for some people? Why is being real - just being yourself - such a hard thing to do for everyone? Why do we get caught up in the pain of our childhood that we allow it to shape the very person we become?
The thing with mental illness, is you just never know how things can shift and change. My psychiatrist said that being surrounded people with mental illness is like jumping into the dive tank with sharks that aren't supposed to bite. However, at any given moment, something can happen and you do get bit. So the best thing to do is go in well equipped and set some good boundaries - rather - a fence up between you and the sharks. I find this an interesting analogy. Because I work with people that have mental health diagnoses, I see this rarely. Most people have a great handle on their diagnosis. I know I do. I internalize a lot. But generally, I am predictable. I operate on consistency.
I have now had my first lengthy encounter with someone who has not been diagnosed but demonstrates all the symptoms of a Borderline Personality. Let me tell you what. That is a tough illness for the people on the periphery. The person who lives with this behaves this way naturally as a coping mechanism from childhood to protect themselves from vulnerability and abuse. And also the great fear that they will be alone or abandoned. Now I get the abandonment issue. But with BPs - there is nothing they will not do to anyone, including those they love dearly, to hurt them or love them on the broadest spectrum you can imagine.  Talk about painful to the person who loves a BP. As well - BPs tend to select codependents as their friends and mates because it is easier to manipulate them to their agenda. And their friends have enormous and generous hearts. Which would be me. Their friends will stand by and never abandon them. Which fits me also. So I am the perfect prey for a BP. I didn't realize I had codependency tendencies so I intend to explore this more. I just know what I am going through is understandable but incredibly painful.  Now that I understand it better, I can honestly say that I have empathy and compassion. But the bottom line is, mixed with alcohol BPs are dangerous. And I need to stay away. Because I will get eaten alive.
Such a sad way to lose a friendship. One I dearly value. A person I love with all my heart. But I cannot live in a lie. I can't not be myself. I can't keep defending my good and loving behavior. Furthermore, I won't be thrown under the bus by a BP because it serves them some useful purpose moments after they tell me what a treasured person I am in their lives.
So thankfully I am healthy enough to see it. Understand it. And move away from from.
It doesn't make the pain any less. But it explains a lot. Fuck this mental illness shit. Because it has hurt yet another special and loving person in my world and it makes me angry.
So do we blame the illness or the person for not acknowledging their issues? I think the person. However I don't think this person is fully aware of why they act the way they do. And it isn't my responsibility to make it clear for them. I can just continue to move about my life trying to be a good person, build people up and try to do the best I can. 
And I wouldn't change a thing about this special person I grew to care deeply about. Because it is their journey. Not mine. And it is not my business to interfere or judge. I must simply let go and let God.
And let go with great love and compassion.
I will miss you dearly sweet soul. And I only want the best for you. So whatever you chose in your life, know I send my infinite blessings and pray for your dreams to eventually come true. Whatever they are YOU choose. 

Rules for 2011 - The Year of Wendy

Health:

1.       Drink plenty of water.

2.       Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a beggar.

3.       Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants.

4.       Live with the 3 E's -- Energy, Enthusiasm and Empathy

5.       Make time to pray.

6.       Play more games.

7.       Read more books than you did in 2010 .

8.       Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.

9.       Sleep for 7 hours.

10.    Take a 10-30 minutes’ walk daily. And while you walk, smile.

Personality:

11.    Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

12.    Don't have negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

13.    Don't overdo. Keep your limits.

14.    Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

15.    Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.

16.    Dream more while you are awake.

17.    Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

18.    Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with His/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.

19.    Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.

20.    Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

21.    No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

22.    Realize that life is a school and you are here to learn.  Problems are simply part of the curriculum that appear and fade away like algebra class but the lessons you learn will last a lifetime.

23.    Smile and laugh more.

24.    You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

Society:

25.    Call your family often.

26.    Each day give something good to others.

27.    Forgive everyone for everything.

28.    Spend time w/ people over the age of 70 & under the age of  6.

29.    Try to make at least three people smile each day.

30.    What other people think of you is none of your business.

31.    Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

Life:

32.    Do the right thing!

33.    Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

34.    GOD heals everything.

35.    However good or bad a situation is, it will change..

36.    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

37.    The best is yet to come.

38.    When you awake alive in the morning, thank GOD for it.

39.    Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.