what are you waiting for?

Welcome to 2011 - the year of Wendy!


You know - this is an excellent question. What AM I waiting for? What do I need to move forward. To take the steps I need to rebuild everything I have lost over the past 15 years since my health rapidly declined and took what I perceived to be my power away.


Well the first thing would be to build a base of security all around me. I have stuff. I don't need more stuff. I need financial security. I lost everything I had purchasing those things to make my American middle class dream come true. Some wall street greedy bastard took that all away from me. And I worked hard to be able to do those things for myself. Very very hard. Interestingly enough, I have done it twice already. Once leaving behind everything in a home I purchased and invested in with DW. And now, to the greedy bastards of wall street & the past 15 years of trying to find happiness for my partner. And I once had such confidence and self esteem. That is not gone. I have allowed myself to believe it has but it is still there. Because I remain extremely driven to succeed. In fact, I know I will succeed.


What seems to hold me back is succeeding in just what? I certainly was once of the best interior designers in Canada. Maybe I should list my skills. See what comes up from the list.


1)     Licensed Commercial Interior Designer (however 15 years away from private practice),
2)     Executive Director familiar with Non-profit work in many specialties.
3)     Successful in Marketing, Promotion and Sales.
4)     Successful Grant Writer
5)     Volunteer Coordinator
6)     Idea Person
7)     Have owned several of my own businesses for the past 25 years. Sold one successfully for a profit.
8)     Detail Oriented. People pleaser.
9)     Artistic.
10)   Able to operate my own business or work well with others.
11)   Studied and continue to study Grief Therapy.  Interested in working in Grief Therapy/Art Therapy.
12)   Would like to own Green Cemetery.
13)   Am creative and artistic.
14)   Sit or have sat on several Boards.
15)   Love music.
16)   People person extraordinaire. People are drawn to me. 
17)   I am a writer. And a ghostwriter.


So how can I take these skills and make them work?  Let's make a list of what I need right now or want for my future.


1)    Financial security month to month.
2)    Re-establish a retirement account so I have financial security for later.
3)    To feel safe and secure enough in myself to be able to make this happen. So perhaps that is empowerment to some degree. A renewed belief in my ability and self esteem.
4)    To be financially independent.
5)    I want my daughter to feel safe, cared for and be able to provide for her every need - this may also mean her continuation at Private School.
6)   Think about Roth IRAS for my daughter for college. I need to apply for dual citizenship should she decide (crossing my fingers) to go to college in Canada. So dual residency.
7)   On a personal level? The strength I once had to conquer the world and the belief that anything I put my mind to I can have. This is one value my father strongly set in me. It's there. It needs to have it's rebirth. Big time.
8)   I want a convertible.
9)   I want to be able to retire someday to a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Small.
10) I want a loving life partner who respects me and loves me for exactly who I am. And I will do the same. I want peace, love and laughter to flow freely through my little cabin in the woods.
11) I want the strength to stand by those values, goals and dreams and make them come true.
12) I want an autoharp and I want to learn to play my hammered dulcimer.
13) Better physical health, more weight loss and strong muscles to lift myself up!


So exactly what AM I waiting for? Nothing. I need to get off my ass and get going. And so does my mirror. Truthfully. Because time is a wasting. And life is much to short to let time pass anyone by. I have a lot to do. So do you!
What are YOU waiting for?  As my friend would say, this is 2011 - the year of Wendy so come and join me for the ride.

Teamwork

I was recently reminded of a successful team effort - or rather a partnership - I have been putting all my love and energy into for the past several months. What gifts I have been given in that regard. And certainly the gifts I have chosen to share. It is interesting when you mirror your partner.  It is like staring at a different looking person that is really reflected back at you.  So I have plenty of my own self doubt, doubt about even deserving the possibilities, disbelieve in being able to achieve my destiny and living my truth - and I see it looking right back at me. The same fear in the eyes. The heavy pounding of the heart. The yearning. All of our joint efforts work when we are present to validate each other. But when we are apart - the doubt sets in again and fear overwhelms. Dumbfounded. Confused. Like being five years old living at home again.
We know what we want. We know whom we love. We know who we are. We know what we deserve. And we simply want the strength and belief in ourselves to get there. It doesn't feel like asking a lot. It is really about living what we deserve.
At the very least in all of the abuse I have endured in my life, my father taught be to fight for what is right. To fight for what you love. And I sat with him endlessly while he told me about all the abuse he suffered at the hands of my mother. I will not live this kind of live. Period.
My life is more than 1/2 over. I am working hard to be a better person. I am scared out of my bloody mind at the thoughts of change that are coming for me. I am scared to look at my body in the mirror because it isn't the one who can hide. The more I lose, the better I look. The more I fear being bothered and hurt by others.
I have put endless effort into empowering complete strangers and newfound family to find their voice. To know that God created them to live their Divinity. That it isn't about that person. It is about love. God wanting you to fulfill what you were put here to do and be loved in the process. I have said that angels come so infrequently with their blessed gifts. Living with intention, being mindful of each moment, feeling pure joy in every breath. That is what I want.
So what brings about the worst in me? Or perhaps in my mirror?
Well it is a simple word.  It is fear. Plain and simple fear. It walks hand in hand with me everyday. It's tentacles are wrapped around my heart and choke the very breath from mu lungs. I can become so afraid of my own truth and doubt my ability to follow through and I will manifest it in sheer terror.
So my new year's resolution is to get all the therapy I need to empower myself to a better me. And bring that to my mirror. And I will empower my mirror to do the same. In that team effort, a new success will be born. And in time, and in wellness, and in the building of self esteem and elimination of abusive self chatter - we will endure and clearly me and my mirror will walk away stronger for it.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth Edwards walked this life with the dignity and grace of a strong woman. She was a hero to me and to so many others who have watched their very lives unravel through the death of their child, the disenchantment of their spouse or a chronic, life threatening disease.  My prayers go out tonight to her children and family.  I remember her saying her biggest sadness was that there would be no true new love or man to hold her with great compassion and love as she transcends. Certainly one of the finest and bravest women I know. She was my hero in so many ways - trying so hard to change our health care system. She now rests in the loving arms of her son Wade. I have no doubt it made death easier for her. What a truly amazing woman. 

It's all about love people. All about love.

Elizabeth's post from Facebook

“You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces — my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined.

“The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It’s called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful.

“It isn’t possible to put into words the love and gratitude I feel to everyone who has and continues to support and inspire me every day. To you I simply say: you know.

“With love, Elizabeth.”

love conquers all

Due to unfortunate circumstances that have occurred in my life over the past few weeks, I found myself launched and landing in a place of negativity that is counter my nature. I tend to be upbeat, positive and one who always sees the glass half full. Never half empty. I truly have been on a pity party. Feeling quite sorry for myself. Part of it is my anxiety. A larger part is the influence I have allowed others to have on me in hurtful ways because I have been unable to set clear boundaries. If I love you deeply, I will go to great lengths to solve any sort of issue that may separate us. I am not sure whether this is due to my need to be forgiven or understood, or because I hurt as deeply as the person I perceive I may have hurt. Other people, who may be passing through my life like dust in the wind, don't particularly matter so much but still retain the same power to take me to my knees. So I have decided to only concentrate on the relationships of those whom I love deeply. I am incredibly grateful someone has offered to allow me to delegate the rest.


But enough already. I need to pull up my socks and get on with the business of loving life and uplifting those I love dearly to love it too. Things may not come to us the way we want them and in the time we want them but ultimately there is a plan for us all. And it lies in the hands of God. But we are responsible for making His plan our reality. I can only do the best I can with what God has given me and hope that the message is ultimately conveyed.


Here is what I believe. Love conquers all. You simply cannot stop it. And it is what propels my every action.


Life Magazine was the final periodical to interview Michael Landon prior to his death in 1991. Even though the messages he conveyed through production in television spoke of strong family values, Michael himself was not a perfect man by any stretch.  He was also a child abused by his parents with a father and mother who did not love him. And somewhat self destructive in his behavior. 


Recently, prior to the article, he had been living under the cloud of an affair that brought him together with his current wife (10 years at this point) but made no excuses or apologies for it when asked. It was something I found quite compelling coming from someone who was in my eyes, the perfect television father and advocate for family values. When asked why he had left his long term marriage, he said simply, "I believe in God, family, truth between people and the power of love."  I wish I could find the exact quote about the power of love and I will eventually. But is was strong. It was clear. And he meant it. He was three weeks from death and it was only love that propelled him further. To create and to survive.  Clearly, it summed up who he was as a man and it is what I will hold of his legacy as his gift to me. Because in the end, our values were identical. 


Love conquers all. I believe in the power of love. Only a fool would pass it by. When it comes to you softly and touches your cheek, hold onto it tight. Plan ahead for the blessings it will bring you in your future. Because we only get one chance at this life and we need to grab on tight to love. As it comes. Wherever it comes from. It will hold our hand in life. It will hold our hand in death. It will understand our every fear. It will support us through our greatest travesties. It will laugh with us in moments of great joy. Love gives us hope for a better day. Love gives us the will to survive. Love strengthens our core. Love forgives and moves on. Love never punishes. Love never condemns. Love is patient and kind. Love gives us the ability to explore and understand the very depths of each other. Thank you God for the gift of love.


"Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows."     Michael Landon


I dedicate this blog to Peter... I miss you terribly. And Michael's words were yours to me. I promise you, I heard you.

quandary

I used to like puzzles - a good old quandary. They made my life interesting and exciting. My aunt used to always call that part of me the girl who "live on the cusp" - those bad old Gemini twins. They force out the adventurous side of me. The naughty girl. The one who loves a good adventure. They bring the spice to my life. Lots of excitement. But equally as much as the endorphin rush comes the OMG - what did I just do?
I am feeling really good about myself - finally - after a long period of being locked in a box. I think it is almost like a rebirth of sorts. Finding my true self under all the garbage mental illness has laid on my shoulders. The weight is coming off effortlessly. I am seeing joy and experiencing happiness is ways I never thought possible again. Good old Gemini twins. Should I credit them? Hmmm. Or should I take the credit with the poking and prodding of people who love and care about me? You know, a lot of people have tried over the years but no one has been successful until now.
What do they say? When the student is ready, the teacher appears? I guess two students were ready and both of us empower each other to be better people. It is really nice to watch the transformation. Slowly but surely, good things are happening for both of us and it is nice to be able to enjoy my own success while I see some success on the other side. :)
Now the questions arise. As the weight keeps coming off and as I see the good changes happening in my life, I become fearful because the Taurean in me digs my heels in, afraid of change. Really afraid to take the steps I need to to further enhance my life. To return to the big girl self I am. The adult afraid to do anything. I was asking that friend what they saw in me... Here are the words.

"As I have been telling you all along, you are much smarter than me and you are wasting your immense talents. Everything she said about you is so true - The weight loss, the clothes, the makeup. And it's not because of me. It's because of what you have become aware of again - you are a beautiful, smart, and talented woman. You let yourself be dragged down by your breakdown. Many did nothing but cruelly exacerbate the situation. No one did anything to lift you up.

That's where I came in. I saw a beautiful and fat woman who was doing so much for others. I could just "feel" your intelligence. I knew very little of your home life, but knew it could not be good. So I imposed myself on you. Kept telling you how smart you were and the weight was a minor issue. I am not taking any credit for this, but I have a need to help people and, my dear, you needed it. When we went on that walk - about a block away from where we took our training, you stopped, bent over with your hands on your knees and cried that you were so fat and in terrible shape. I remember putting my arm around you and telling you look how far you've walked, and the weight can come off."

Simple. But it motivated me. Don't ask me how. I guess it was enough to make me see myself as something more valuable than someone who drives a van up and down the valley, who works countless jobs trying to help others see their own value (of course never seeing my own)... don't misunderstand. I love being Kami's mama. But I need to find my own purpose and be the vessel that God created me to be. Not that slow suicidal person eating themselves to death because I don't see what there possibly is to love. It makes me sad to feel that way.

So now I work on Mindfulness to help me with my anxiety. As soon as I get into that space of fear, I stop and find something at this very moment to focus on. Something right in front of me. And I think of it's beauty until the feelings go away. I honor the little girl who was abandoned. I tell her she is safe because I will look after her completely and keep her safe. And I also then say goodbye to the feelings because they don't belong with me anymore. I am worthwhile. I am worthy. I deserve love. I deserve to state my feelings without fear of rejection or abandonment. I can't be abandoned anymore. I am 49 years old.

So to my friend I say thank you and I love you more than words can express. You paved the path to a new experience for me and even though it can be difficult, it is full of wonderment and excitement. I can't wait to see what lies beyond the next curve.

trust...

I have never trusted easily. I used to live by the model, "trust until you're given a reason not to." I tried that for quite a time. It was really hard but I did find that most people didn't want to disappoint me. Because I was a leader - director - of several employees, I had to gain their trust. That seemed easier than letting down my barriers to trust them. In a book I am reading called, "The Courage to Trust", I am learning a lot about where my issues have come from. It all begins with the Child. Then enters the Protector's voice. And finally the Adult's voice. Ideally, you want to put the Adult back in charge. Because, as I have found, my trust basics come mostly from my Child and Protector. Do we ever stop learning and growing?

The Child in us reaches out in tenderness and love and pulls away from discomfort and pain. Because children are not intellectually indiscriminate, it can be difficult to distinguish between positive and negative.  Our nervous system can amp up really high when our child self becomes afraid of someone we love very deeply. This is a place I go often and is what I believe is the root cause of my anxiety. Actually - it probably is ALL of my anxiety.

For instance, an example - I will await the text of a friend whom I dearly love who promised to contact me. My Adult self is excited and can't wait to hear how she's doing. My Child self tells my brain that it won't happen because I don't matter enough. She'll deliberately forget me to teach me a lesson. Not unlike my mother. It is really a silly battle. And finally, my Protector is building all the walls I need to so I am not hurt if I don't hear. Impossible really. My Protector is telling me to take anti-anxiety medication. Now she has always contacted me but once when she fell asleep. But it's the "once" that sets up the tone for the fear and negative reaction. Made harder by a promise.

The remedy? The serenity prayer. To let go and let God.

Our sense of belonging in this world is quite fragile for all of us. The Child will feel panic while the Adult understands and puts everything in perspective.  The Child's angst can quickly overcome the Adult's rationality.  It is indeed like powerlessness. Scary. Holy cow. Wish I could make other people understand how I am wired inside.

The Protectors job is to remember ALL the bad stuff. I don't like this part at all.  It locks away the upsetting memories, often for years - until something triggers their release - like flashbacks really.  The Protector seeks instant comfort. We often first acknowledge the Protector by our inability and feeling of powerlessness to make positive changes. So your Child wants comfort and your Protector keeps reminding you of how you've been done wrong. AMping you up and scaring you for no reason out of your bloody mind.

It is hoped that as we grow, we can move into the adult place. That takes higher self confidence and mature thinking. Empathy and compassion for those who have hurt you. Forgiveness for yourself and others, releasing yourself from past pain and shame.  Assuming responsibility for what happens in your life by cause and effect.  Accepting that there are many sides to every story - you want to hear other's perceptions. The ability to release yourself from bad habits and walk away immediately from people who continue to harm you. And finally, you must recognize that you will survive and learn from your most difficult times. 

The Adult is the guardian and inventor of your life's choices. It is the hallmark of emotional resilience. Your Adult can develop real faith. It can pick up the pieces of mistakes in the past, learn from them and move on.

And this, my friends, is what we ALL must work on. Most especially me!

getting stronger & stronger

Everyday I feel stronger and stronger. My heart knows I am strong. My head remembers my strength. I think at the cellular level, my body can feel quite a bit weaker. When I went down in 1995, it took my breath away. I feel infantilized again and the pain of needing to be supported left a powerful impression on me. That I lacked the skills I needed to be able to take care of myself.
Now all of this is not true. Most especially since I have worked so hard at my wellness. Talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, EMDR, hypnosis, anti-depressants and finally anti-anxiety drugs. I think I have read every anxiety book, done every available class and have tapes I listen to when I feel that anxiety coming on. I also have friends who do their best to empower me with positive messages that help me feel better about my abilities in everything I do. That really helps - except I cannot seem to find my passion.
The greatest dependency I feel in life is that on other people. The fear of being unable to care for myself from that time is difficult to overcome. And often it forces me to stay in situations or behave in such ways that take more of my power to be the adult I know I am, away. That makes me sad and is definitely something I am really working at to heal. I have such a deep fear of homelessness and living on the street. I have no idea where this comes from but it is very real to me. And scary. I am also terrified of being abandoned. But that is the little girl in me who has grown up and cannot be abandoned. Because I should be enough right? So what is the real problem, Wendy?
I try the best I can to communicate my needs to the people I love dearly. Often I don't feel heard. I don't understand that because I think I am clear. It makes me feel sad and unimportant. Disregarded. I also care way too much for other people - thinking that they will, in turn, care a lot for me. Not necessarily true, I am afraid. People are, by and large, selfish creatures and I truly don't believe anyone cares as much for me as I do them with the exception of my daughter. That may sound ridiculous but it is demonstrated by their actions. And sometimes their words. So I face the reality of that everyday. Should it matter? Or better still - why does it matter to me? I need to get rid of my expectations completely. I have no right to expect anything from anyone.
I guess it is that love centered part of me that grieves. Needing to be validated. Needing to feel loved and cared about. Needing to feel heard. Needing to feel wanted. 
So I may look like a great confident package and by and large, I truly am. But unfortunately we all have issues - and these would be mine.
Just a little lost girl, in a big girl's body, looking for a love that'll last forever.
Time to grow up little girl. Be tough. Stop looking for what's never going to be there. Tend your own garden. Turn the impossible off. And live the possibilities.
Because you do matter. To you.

the gift of help when you need it

So it has been a horrible week with my mental health issues. I should be in Detroit celebrating the release of my friend Jody Ortiz' book regarding Raye Dawn Smith's case - the wrongful conviction I advocate so fervently for. Disappointed of course, but there is absolutely no way I could have made that trip. It would have taken me down.
This anxiety and panic is akin to the skin of an onion being pulled off one layer at a time. I try to see it all as growth. That is really hard to do when you are in the middle of your illness. All you think about is the fear of sinking to a lower level. And then what? And you worry about the people who love and depend on you, most especially your child, seeing you in a constant state of panic and confusion. Shaking hands. Tears in your eyes. Red nose. Mascara running. 
I have learned through this experience to be honest with my daughter, who now views this as mama's illness - no different than a bad case of the flu - except mama cries a lot and needs to get rest and remove herself from conflict or potential anxiety. So every time this happens, I am taken to a newer and deeper understanding of myself and the difficulties I have been through in my life on this planet. And I receive a clearer picture of the devastating damage a parent can do to what should be their most precious gift, their child. 
The best thing I have done is tell my child that this illness has absolutely nothing to do with her. It is documented that children believe they cause their parent's emotional and mental health problems. So this alleviates the guilt she might unconsciously assume. She thanked me for reminding her of that because she just wants me to be happy. Of course!  That is what love is all about.
I don't see myself as an easy person to get along with at all. I think I am actually quite a difficult person because I am incredibly complicated. Anyone who wishes to spend time with me on an intimate level - a best friend or confidant - has a hard time convincing me of their sincerity. I do not trust easily. I am on unreasonably and unrealistic high alert. Sometimes ridiculously so. I have narrowed my friendships down to only those I feel I can give 100% to. And I love to be surrounded by giving and loving people. It narrows down my life challenges. Makes life easier and less stressful for me to navigate.
All this to say that I am surrounded by the best of the best in my life. The support that continues to help me get through this difficult time is some of the best I have ever received. My close circle of intimacy moved in to give me that healthy hug. And I am forever grateful to them all.

my true friend Steve

Surely some of you have read what I posted before about the amazing people in my mental health support group.  Everything we share together in our group is confidential which gives all of us a safe place to be. It is interesting to me how our illnesses cycle - some weeks, some of us are doing so well and then there are other weeks, where we have individual or collective pain. When the meeting ends, there is relief and comfort knowing that none of us walk this journey alone.


I find in listening to my peers that a lot of issues causing pain have to do with fear or the dreaded stigma that side-saddles any mental illness diagnosis. Most of us are simply petrified to sink down to the dark places where we've been before. The place where hope is gone, medicine ceases to work and death feels like a vacation of comfort from unending pain. This is a place where shame overwhelms the beauty of what we were all created to be. God doesn't make junk. We are all simply divine. I believe that. And I believe my mental illness has been one of the greatest gifts I have been given because I am so much better a person for it. Truly. 


You'd think that one would only feel shame when they do something deliberately painful to harm or hurt others. Or maybe one feels shame when they hurt someone deeply - this would seem appropriate don't you think? But this is not so. Because when you have a mental illness, most people lack the knowledge, compassion and understanding to treat you appropriately. They fear you. They just don't treat you like what you have is simply a physical disorder of the brain. Whether intentionally, by those who say they love us, or unintentionally, because of a lack of education, people proliferate shame on those who already feel ashamed simply by their diagnosis.


As adults suffering from mental illness, in not sharing with each other we close doors to healing. To solid advice. To mutual support and empowerment. To the love we deserve from each other simply because we are all part of the same human condition. It was so painful for me to suffer in silence that I have chosen to be very public about my illness and its related issues. And I think it has helped me tremendously because not only am I able to help others, but I feel safer and stronger being truthful about my limitations.


The reason I write this is to honor the courage of my friend Steve, who as he proclaims, had his "coming out" today. I met Steve at the end of March - he must have seen a poster about our upcoming Peer to Peer Class at his office posted by a former Board Member. I had never met Stephen but I do remember his telephone call - he sounded like a no nonsense, clear speaking man -  interested in learning more about mental illness in general. I, the ever emotive and enthusiastic facilitator, tried my best to sell him on the course that we were going to offer to benefit people newly diagnosed with mental illness.

Well he actually came to the class. And he was in quite a rage filled place. As it turns out, he was incorrectly diagnosed. However, in the second or third week, he received an accurate diagnosis, the appropriate care for his illness and the medication he needed to manage his illness. It has been pretty much straight up from there. He was supported by our group in his need to have more sleep. He fought for and sought out the help he needed to get the medication and support he needed from the appropriate psychiatrist, actually "firing" the one who would not listen to him. Fabulous! Steadfast and stoic (his words). He attended all classes except for one where he was going to support his daughter's event. True to the lovely heart of an adoring dad.


I just took the time to reread every single email he has sent me since we first became acquainted. They are interesting to me because they show his determination to fight for his wellness. To stop the merry-go-round of self medicating to level off the noise in his mind. They also show his emotional progression from rage to self-deprecation, to analyzing his situation, to acceptance of his illness and situation, to rational examination of his situation with his illness, to finally accessing the impact on his family. By and large, I would say he is completely clear in his thinking. He still carries plenty of shame. Still. Not unusual. It's been 15 years for me and I still hold on to it tight. It is my hope his shame will dissipate as time passes and he learns to love himself again; seeing his true value as a beautiful person with an illness he didn't ask for. However, he is examining his life goals, desires to clean up areas of his life that feel askew, wishes to impart a sense of his deep love and paternal security in his daughters that he feels he deprived them of while abusing alcohol and is enjoying a renewed sense of self; this includes empowerment, confidence, discovery (seeing his world around him in a new light) and self esteem. In all of this, I get to celebrate his growth. His positive encouragement is like a hand reaching down to me and pulling me back up to my feet, modeling to me to reach my own true potential. It makes my heart sing. He is exactly the perfect face of recovery from mental illness. Recovery should be all of our goals when we become diagnosed. Too bad no one tells us this. 


Today, I was witness to this beautiful man, who calls himself perfectly broken and who claims to be shy, stand up and proclaim with clear understanding his personal struggles with alcohol, with his fumbled misdiagnoses and his final diagnosis of being Bipolar 2. When I hear the word Bipolar, despite being the Executive Director of NAMI - WRV, it scares me. Because, as a mental illness, it is one of the most challenging ones to manage. When you have Bipolar illness, it is critical to be surrounded by love, compassion and plenty of rest; it is the only way to maintain stability and prevent the cycling that often comes from this illness. This is an exceptionally bright man who had the courage to admit that in an attempt to slow his mind, would self medicate to make life more bearable for himself and perceivably those around him. He laid himself out, dropped the stoicism for a time and gutted himself to a group of strangers to show them there is life with unlimited possibilities after such a cataclysmic diagnosis. Today he was my hero.


And I smiled with so much pride in this man whose journey I have followed, who I would trust my very life with and thought, we aren't much different from each other. Our labels might be different, but we all deserve respect, honor, tolerance, understanding and most importantly forgiveness and above all love. Everyone with a mental illness deserves this as Steve clearly pointed out today.


Thank you Steve for being a real man. Thank you for showing me all things are possible. Thank you for your courage and for offering it to all of us. 


What none of you know is that currently, I am in a very bad place with my own mental illness, fighting the good fight for my wellness back. The gift of your example Steve, shows me I will be well once again. And no amount of money in the world could have given me that sense of strength and empowerment like you did today. You made me believe that all things are possible and I simply wish to offer you my deepest gratitude. And from the group, our deepest gratitude - for being such a fine leader and for setting such an exemplary example. 


I promise you, cross my heart, to be there for you when you need me. 

hi my little dolly darling....

I am playing a song called, "House of Sorrow" written for a compilation called "In the Nursery".  This is the 1927 video you see above. Ignore the video Wend. 

When I hear it honey, it brings up very painful feelings of being left alone. Left alone so many times. However, sweetie, there is this beautiful melody underlying the sadness of the song. If I can post it I will so that others can hear how there is such hope in the song. And you held on strong to that hope of finding the love you needed to get through everything you had to endure.

I found this song while searching for information on the Holocaust. It stopped me in my tracks because it took me back to a time when I felt so alone in my bed, afraid you would get hurt. And it reminded me of Sally telling me never to discount what you went through. Like being strapped to a movie theatre seat watching Holocaust movies. I must fully accept what happened to me, the abuse, and then say to you, "I am taking your hand and leading you to a better life. One you deserve. Filled with love and laughter. One where your heart will sing. Laughter and joy everywhere." 

Honey, you know, you only deserved to be loved so deeply. You were so sweet and kind to your mommy and daddy. You just wanted them to love and accept you. You danced so much. Played so happily. You wanted all this attention for being a good wee girl. And you were the best you know - always getting the best grades, always impeccable manners. You loved your neighborhood friends. You protected your friends and didn't hurt anyone willingly.

Sure - you played little pranks around the house. You made your share of gaffs just to get noticed. But it was hard to get noticed because there was so much fighting going on around you. It made it really chaotic for you to just have an imaginative, fun little life.

I want you to know that everyday I thank God for your strength. There was a time when I was ashamed of you because I thought you were punished because it was all your fault. But now I know better. A mother is love. A father is love. Both need to provide love and care to protect and nurture their child. Unfortunately, this wasn't to be for you. However, you did receive some wonderful lessons and empowerment to be able to help others who have suffered similarly to you. And that is the gift. Truly.

I am going to keep writing to you wee one. Because I don't think you believe I am really here for you. That is evidenced by all the anxiety I am feeling because I know you're in there telling me I am not strong enough. Well I am telling you back that you need to let that go and let me be your parent. Because I do a great job with my own daughter and I can do a great job for you if you'll let me try. I certainly will do my best and you know I will reach out when I need help for you and for me. Because we deserve it.

I love you little Wend and I know this is a tough time for you. You are missing your daddy terribly and right now, every year, you have such a hard time knowing the one man who you believed would always be there for you is gone.

Guess what Janey, he is. He is just in another form. He hears you cry and he wants to make it better. He just can't. And somewhere in your heart you know that he would have stopped what was happening if he really knew.

Don't be ashamed. I can feel your shame because now you are thinking you have shared too much with someone about the things that happened in your childhood. He is safe Wend. He loves you. He is safe. Breathe and stay calm. He is safe. You are safe with him. You are safe. He won't hurt you because he loves you. Truly. He does. And he is not going to abandon you. He promises to be there for you all the way through this. You just need to find the confidence to take his hand and let him lead. You will be alright. Time. Sweetheart. Time.

dirty little bastard

That dirty little bastard called anxiety is back invading my space. So I have picked up lots of books to read to help me empower myself to be my own best defense against it. To know that the fear is something I can conquer. It is my little girl that is petrified of being abandoned and too afraid to exert her power. So I am going to write some letters to my little Wendy and tell her that I am here to take care of her and everything will be alright. I can do this. I also intend to cut back on many of my obligations at this point. I cannot carry the load I am carrying and need to honor my body's need for more rest, exercise (in the form of walking) and reconnection with my girlfriends. I need to alter the shape of how my life is going. I need to bring joy back into my life. In opening back up to my circle of friends, I allow them in to help me see that things will be alright. Absolutely. 
Anxiety for me is a time related issue. It can escalate into sheer panic. Or it can simply take time to dissipate. I think in this case, if I continue to speak my truth as it arises, I will be able to allow it to present it's challenge, move with it as it moves in me, listen to what it is trying to tell me and then hopefully bid it farewell.
I cannot allow the fear to strip me of the power I feel when I am well. I deserve to be happy and whole. I am long since past the trauma of my childhood and I need to recognize that no one can do these things to me again unless I allow them. The fear comes straight from my childhood place of abandonment. When I am able to set this free, my life in all other areas will become fuller. More rational. And sane.
So on with the journey.
I am going to start with a letter to little ole' me.

did you read the previous post?

Well I thought the previous writing was quite wonderful in many ways. Most of us come from wounded places and certainly we carry these wounds forward no matter how much we feel we have addressed our inner pain. I see it clearly in myself. 
I have given the gift of time to clear these issues and I am making myself a promise to deal with them as best I can. I want to move forward in my relationships from the healthiest place I can be. Writing helps me clear a lot. But I have to put the words into more action.  I need to narrow down all of the things I do in my life to only a select few I can concentrate on so I can be fully present for myself. I need to honor me to be better for anyone including you. You can't give love if you don't hold love in your heart. I do disagree with the sex part however, because that isn't an addiction for me. It is the ultimate expression of love. In order for me to fully love, it is a huge part of the equation.
I am just laughing - I have the music so loud I didn't hear the phone ring and message. I love it when my body is fully involved in rhythm. Someday Wendy, you will have that fabulous drum set again.
So there it is.
I am listening to some beautiful Michael Jackson music - just an instrumental album of his. I love modern symphonic melodies for sure. I wish I had that level of talent to be able to create gorgeous prose. Interestingly enough, my mind can separate all the melody lines while they play so transposing this to manuscript would be easy. I do have music gifts I don't fully appreciate. I did buy some sheet music the other day to learn. I need to honor the need for more music into my life. So maybe some lessons. A new instrument of some sort. Maybe I'll finally learn to play my hammered dulcimer? It's more than time. 
Lots of music - dance music - rhythmic music - at my funeral. If I can preplan it - it is going to be one fabulous party and celebration. So loud it takes all the pain and suffering away. Hey Jen - we gotta get working on this honeybunch?!

Came upon this happenstance. It is really well written. Enjoy. Getting Love, Sharing Love By Dr. Margaret Paul December 31, 2006 Most people think that getting love is what fulfills. Others believe it is the giving of love. Yet the highest experience in life is the sharing of love, which we cannot do until we are loving ourselves.

The feeling of love is the very best feeling in the world, even better than sex or ice cream! The Bible states in 1 John 4:16 that "God is love." When our hearts are open, the love that is God comes into the physical body and fills us with the delicious feelings of joy and peace. Love is always available, as available as the air we breathe. Yet most people do not go through their days filled with love, joy and peace. Instead, they feel empty and alone, and often turn to various addictions (such as sex and ice cream) to fill the emptiness and aloneness.
One of the addictions many people turn to is the addiction of getting love from others. Coming from the belief that people, rather than God, are the source of love, they try in various ways to gain control over getting love from others. Through physical appearance, accomplishments, niceness, compliments, cuteness, being funny, threats, anger, irritation, and blame, people try to manipulate others into giving them the love, attention, and approval they need. Sometimes this works for the moment, but like food or sex, it is only for the moment. Trying to feel filled through others is an exhausting way to live.
Other people try to get filled through the giving of love. The problem here is that unless you are first bringing love into yourself and then sharing your love from a full place within, the giving of love becomes just another manipulation to get love. This is caretaking - giving to get. I can tell you from personal experience, since this was my major addiction, that caretaking does not to lead to feeling fill up with love, peace and joy. Rather, it leads to feeling drained, used and resentful, since rarely do others give back the love you hope for.
The highest experience in life with another person is the sharing of love. A circle of love is experienced when two or more people are sharing love from a full place within.
We are full of love within only when we have a spiritually-connected loving Adult who is intent on taking loving care of ourselves. When our intent is to take full personal responsibility for ourselves physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, organizationally, and relationally, then our Inner Child feels loved and safe inside. Our intent to support our own highest good opens the door to connection with Spirit and the love that is God fills our hearts and souls. This deeply peaceful and joyous feeling can then be shared with others whose hearts are also open to loving and learning.
The sharing of love is truly an amazing experience. It can happen in person or over the phone. It can happen in letters or email. Time and place are irrelevant - God as love is an energy that can be experienced from any distance. Each of us has the opportunity to be messengers of God when we do our inner work and become able to share love with others.
The wounded self in most people does not understand the vast difference between the getting of love and the sharing of love. Because getting a bit of love from someone feels good, the wounded self thinks that the best feelings come from getting love. Until you have the experience of bringing God-that-is-love into yourself, you do not realize that loving yourself brings far greater joy than getting love. And until you are loving yourself, you cannot experience the even greater joy of sharing love with others. There is no addiction - no drug, no food, no experience - that comes close to the incredible joy of feeling the love-that-is-God within and sharing that love with others.
If you have never had the experience of sharing love, you may not realize what you are missing. Sometimes it may seem hard to be motivated to keep doing your Inner Bonding work if you have never experienced the joy of loving yourself and sharing that love with others. I hope you keep in mind that only by doing your inner work will you ever be able to experience the greatest experience on the planet - the sharing of love!

boxes

It occurred to me quite by chance tonight that life is a series of boxes. I think I have mentioned in a previous blog that I felt as though I was being released from a box that had kept my feminine spirit locked up for many, many years. In unlocking that box, I feel freer and happier than I have in many years. But what just hit me is that I have stepped into a new box! This box has limitations to it as well where I cannot be free to be myself. I have a new set of rules. So in a strange sort of way, I have traded boxes or moved quietly back and forth from one box to another. I can't believe it myself.
So where is the open space I am looking for? Where is the freedom to be loved and cared for like I deserve? Does that exist? Or do I have to live in a box to for someone to love me?
Logic would tell me no Wend, you do not have to live in the confines of anything, most especially that which is outside of your control. I mean, if you want to live in a box, I guess that is a choice you make consciously or subconsciously. I am really sick of following rules to experience any kind of reciprocated love. On the other hand, I totally grasp the need for rules so that everything ends up on the best possible footing. Schizophrenic thinking again. Crazy making.
Shit. Why does it have to be so hard to figure this out? Because hearts and heads are different species. One uses logic. The other uses emotion. And guess which I operate from.
Baaaaaahhhhh
Well it would be the heart. And anyone who knows me knows that. It's all about love. Truly.
So now where does that put me? And how do I work this out in my head?
I need to go to bed. I can't think straight to even blog about it.

Everyday Grace - Marianne WIlliamson

One of my "spiritual gurus" is Marianne Williamson. Her book, Return to Love, helped me be more loving and compassionate to myself. It took me back from the brink of suicide in 1996. She is incredibly brilliant. And below is an exerpt of her writing about taking care of one's self.


According to A Course in Miracles, five minutes spent with God’s Spirit in the morning guarantees He will be in charge of our thought forms throughout the day. Each morning we can begin with spiritual confidence, surrendering to God’s will and praying that our eyes be opened to the miracles He has planned for us. Each day can be a glorious canvas painted by the hand of God, and we pray for eyes with which to see it.
Every morning, visualize and pray for divine right order: If you are a teacher, for instance, bear witness with your inner eye to an angel, or Jesus, or Buddha, wrapping his arms around every child in your class, then allow your mind to hold that image for five minutes or more. See God’s Light around your coworkers, your neighbors, your children, your spouse. Whatever it is you will be doing with your day – whatever your workplace or activity – consciously bless the people you’ll meet, as well as those you don’t even know. Remember to include those you don’t like as well as those you do. Allow yourself to imagine, while in a prayerful, meditative state, the life you most long to experience. Then bless that image, and surround it with light.
Now you can leave the house smiling, because you’ve placed your future in the hands of God. You’ve helped set the universe on a harmonious trajectory. Every day we have a chance to re-create life, for ourselves and others, reshaping our energies with the thoughts we think, just as we reshape our bodies with physical exercise. Bless the house in which you wake, and the people who also sleep there. Bless your city and your country and your world. Bless everyone you will meet today. Bless everyone else who is driving along the freeway with you. Ask that your mind be filled with light, that you might be a channel for God’s love. You cannot do this regularly in a committed way and feel like your life has no purpose. When you give love you will feel love. That is Law.
Some days are harder than others, to be sure. Perhaps some of your mornings have gone like this: "There is no way I can do this. I’m supposed to go to Chicago, and my daughter is having her dance recital tonight. If I can’t get home on the three o’clock flight, which I probably won’t because my meeting isn’t until one, then I will miss her recital and be a terrible parent."
Now commit this truth to memory: There is no problem that holiness will not solve. No matter what the problem is no matter how big or small, important or unimportant, you are entitled to a miracle because you are a child of God.

Using only our mortal minds, we have very little power to fix anything. The world is full of confusion, it is moving too fast, and the demands of parenthood, career, economics, and health are proving too stressful for almost everyone. But you’re equipped with more than just your mortal mind. Within each of us there is a divine mind, the Mind of God. It is always there, with no exception, to work whatever miracle is necessary to lift us above the limitations of the world.
In A Course in Miracles, it is written, "Prayer is the conduit of miracles." There is no prayer too big or too small that we should withhold it from God.
So try this instead, on such a morning: "Dear God, please give me a miracle. I don’t know how I’m going to go to Chicago and still get back to my daughter’s recital. This life is so full of stress, dear God. Please take my day and plan it for me. Thank you, God. Amen."
Everything in the universe is of concern to God, since He loves everything as one. If you’re too stressed, then you’re not fully alive, and your problem is therefore very much God’s business. If you’re not fully alive, then you’re not being who you were born to be or living the life you are meant to live. If you’re not living the life you are meant to live, then you’re not doing on this earth what you’re intended to do – you’re failing to take part in the unfolding drama of infinite good, which is the spirit of God. If you’re not being the parent you are capable of being, then another child is set up to fail. Why wouldn’t a loving God wish to correct that situation? We are told in A Course in Miracles that we do not ask God for too much, but for too little. Every need we have should be placed in His hands.
The moment a mistake – any deviation from love – occurs, a perfect, all-knowing God has already planned a correction. All we have to do is ask that it be revealed to us. "Dear God, please show me a miracle."
We take spiritual responsibility for our day when we pray that it be blessed. More than the way we look, more than the clothes in our closet, more than whether or not our papers are organized, this simple request – that our lives be reflections of an eternal love – releases us from the confines of yesterday and frees us to unlimited possibilities today. Every single morning we can receive from the universe an entirely new day, in every sense of the word. Our ego will screech, "Denial!" should we have the audacity to consider the possibility of a radically new life today. Yet that’s exactly what is available to us, and courage lies in claming it.
Every morning, consider doing this: Light a candle. Sit down. Close your eyes. Be with God.
There are many different prayer and meditation techniques, and they are all paths to God. It matters not which path we walk to Him, but only that we walk it. In whatever way suits you, talk to God.


Dear God,
I give you this morning.
Please take away
My despair of yesterday.
Help me to forgive the things
That caused me pain
And would keep me bound.
Help me to begin again.
Please bless my path
And illumine my mind.
I surrender to You
The day ahead.
Please bless every person
And situation
I will encounter.
Make me who You would have me be,
That I might do as You would have me do.
Please enter my heart
And remove all anger,
Fear and pain.
Renew my soul
And free my spirit.
Thank you, God,
For this day.
Amen.

richard

Richard George - my father's name. After his cousin who was killed by the branch of a falling tree and the King of England. My dad was born in 1926 - August 2nd. Same birthday as many of my friends. I get to celebrate his birthday with them every year.
Dad - I know you hear every word I say. Because you respond like a soft breeze across my face and you remain there always. Not in a physical way like people desire, but something strongly attached to my heartstrings. Lately, I have thought about you a lot and everything you went through with mom. How hard your life was and how you struggled. I am not going to make excuses for you dad. Because you wouldn't want me to do that. I certainly think you carried those old fashioned values a bit too far. I mean - why would you sacrifice happiness in life to hold an agreement that never worked for you? I am struggling to understand how you swallowed your pride. I am struggling with having lost you in 1993. And how at that time it seemed like such a victory for you to be able to release yourself and fly. You were so scared. And I held your hand. You squeezed my hand in a final good bye. I kissed you and your spirit gently lifted and rose away from me. And I remember smiling and sweetly saying goodbye and that I would love you forever. And I will, and I have, and I still do daddy.
We shared a lot together. I know it was inappropriate in many ways that I kind of became your best friend. A child should never know all that I knew about you,  my father. All your intimate secrets. In a strange way I felt honored but had no idea of the burden and what it would cost me physically and emotionally with your wife. She is still the same daddy. No change there. So choosing freedom was a smart choice for you.
I wonder where you are and if you think about me? Do you miss me like I do you? So hard to imagine. And so many years has passed since we said goodbye.
There are many sweet memories of the things you did to celebrate me in my life. You always stood up and cheered for me. You were proud of my accomplishments, truly. I must say I could count on you to celebrate every big event in my life. You loved the holidays. You loved to create that special magic that I continue to create to this day. Remember trying to convince me that Santa was out back? That was a difficult one to pull off with a 13 year old but you did it. It really has been a hard journey for me and I have worked really hard trying to rise above the difficulties my sensitive mind was bombarded with.
You know I have met a really special person who I have been sharing stories of you with. It is really lovely to feel your spirit in me moving through this person. The struggles are no different than yours but I am trying to relate your story to impart courage, self respect, joy and love - all things that left you when you could not make the one decision you so wanted to make. A handshake and a promise was enough to torment you for your entire life.
It makes me sad that you will never physically meet my daughter. You'd love her. She's really special. And she'd love you. Same with my friend. You'd find a kindred spirit there. And you'd get along well in the laughter department. Same kinds of joys and sadness you both feel. Total lack of love and loss of self respect in some ways. I am working hard in the empowering department and doing what I do best daddy. Love Love Love. You know. You used to say that all the time. She gives away that great big heart and someday someone will find you and appreciate it and love it like it deserves. Maybe that is coming for me. What do you think? I know you can see everything in a way I can't.
Life has been really scary for me daddy. Really scary. You used to be here to help me go through all the worst of the worst. Certainly you made some huge misjudgments where I was concerned but I do know that it was all from a loving and protective place.
I pray a lot about just wishing you back for a day. So you could meet the special people in my life. Hug them and whisper something wonderful in their ears about me. I know you remain proud of me despite my lack of pride in my accomplishments currently. Funny thing is - I have accomplished so much. Helps being smart. Helps that you always told me there was nothing I couldn't do. I am never afraid to go after things that might be difficult just to be happy.
Your life role modeled that for me. I go after happiness because I saw you have so little of it. And strangely enough, the sadness of watching your pain has made me fight for more for me. Because you always told me I deserved it. I won't give up until I find it daddy. I just won't.
So can I ask you a favor? Can you send a little luck and good fortune my way?  Can you hold me at night and rock me gently and tell me everything is going to be alright? Can you protect my friend and tell them they deserve a better life of love wrapping itself around them? Because I believe in it daddy. You told me if I wish it to be so and invest all of my best efforts into it, nothing can stop me from reaching my dreams come true. And I have always believed that. Help me make this happen for me in this lifetime. I really desire peace, love and laughter. And I feel I have finally found it at long last. Guide me and direct it into my arms for the rest of my life. Because it's all I want daddy. After that, everything else will fall into place easily. I know it.
You know daddy, I love you more than all the stars in the sky. I have never forgotten you - how could I? You're up there and there is incredible comfort in knowing you will be the first smile I greet when I make the journey to whatever is next. I miss you so much that sometimes my heart hurts. It would be amazing to just feel your safety and protection all around me again.