Why is it that people say that those who cause you the greatest grief are your biggest teachers? Why can't we just eliminate these people from our lives by gently telling them to kiss off? Wouldn't it be easier to skip the lesson, the angst it brings, the elevated blood pressure? I mean, really - wouldn't elimination of the stress (meaning THEM) be better for your health? Is the lesson that important?
These questions plague me whenever I get into some sort of conflict with someone I consider to be difficult. Of course, that would be my own judgment of their behavior and perhaps may be unfair. But usually, I do a check with others to see if it is only me that perceives a situation in a certain way.
There is a strong and solid part of me that gives people one - two - three - even four chances to get things right by me. And the interesting thing about this is that what offends me is often not how they treat me, but how they treat others. It doesn't matter if I know the other person or not. I simply do not understand and generally do not care for people who are selfish, self serving, egomaniacal, takers, users, etc. That is because I come from many years of being taken advantage of.
You see - I have the largest heart. A giving nature. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I am a grateful Christian mother - with a love for most everything created by God. I appreciate His gifts. I appreciate and love my friends and family. And I give people the benefit of the doubt. I tend to forgive rather than endlessly punish. I believe in the power of love and redemption. There is nothing I wouldn't do for someone I love. I believe in second chances. And I give to them freely. So in the end - when I have had enough,... when I am done - I am done.
I think the hardest thing I face in my daily challenges is feeling like I am not heard. When this occurs with an individual, it is the single largest red flag for me that the person is self involved. And as much as there is a part of me that wishes to pursue that relationship, I back away. Slowly. But I back away.
However difficult it may be to understand my own coping mechanisms, they work. They protect me and keep me very safe. So I think for now I will continue to hold on to them. And as far as difficult people are concerned, well I think I will skip the lesson and continue on with my journey in this life. It really is hard enough as it is...
So I am blogging tonight about a precious new group of friends I have made who understand my journey to wellness. A lot of people are aware of my struggles - some more intimately than others. Most of your know that I am a closet writer - ghost writer - and this is an appropriate way for me to express my feelings. So I am blogging about it and maybe some of you - who have a new awareness to my form of expression - may find your way here and feel my gratitude.
It has always been interesting to me how when you open a door, even when very afraid, that wonderful things walk through it. Not only people but experiences, feelings, opportunities - some good and some not so good. The not so good, for me, tends to be what comes up when I open the door to let my feelings enter. And if you know me well, I will do anything to not let the feelings in. Hence - an incredibly busy life. Locks on the doors most days.
My psychologist once told me that my childhood life felt to her like being strapped into a movie theatre chair watching German concentration camp movies over and over again. It is interesting to me how I can easily shove those feelings aside. Pretty it all up with a vase of flowers. I very easily diminish the pain and deep wounds it left on me that have taken years to heal. I still wear band-aids.
So - distracted again - I opened the door. I took a risk to find others who understand my pain. The wounds that come when you have no where to take your confusion and angst. And in walked a variety of beautiful human souls. All on journeys to wellness. To feeling complete, whole, trustworthy, loved and valued. To know they are simply enough and beautiful just as they are. All of us looking for some form of support and validation. What a tremendous gift to be surrounded by people who really feel. They really FEEL their emotions. The level of sensitivity is high. Just as mine always has been. We understand the depth and breadth of the human experience. We feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. And I think (and I am whispering this gently) that we are all genius in the compassion department on some level. We get it. We get what it's like to suffer. We get what it's like to feel ostracized for simply being who we are. For trying to manage our lives and our pain in unconventional ways. We have lived it. Birthed it. Tried to kill it. And now we accept it.
So to these wonderful people I say thank you with much gratitude. I feel like I have come home to something more special than I ever imagined. Your gifts to me are invaluable. And I feel blessed.
