the show's half over...

Well - actually more than that as I realize watching old videos of my gorgeous child. The youthfulness and excitement of watching my young mama self. I love seeing the pure joy and happiness in my eyes. I am sparkling. And watching them made me excited to sparkle again. Every moment is one of discovery with Kami. Every moment is more discovery and learning for myself. I guess I thought I would have had it all by this age but I am truly still learning. I see the neediness in me. I see my need to fill places never filled appropriately in my childhood. I see more strength and determination to speak my truth. And most of all, I see fulfillment in being the person I visualize myself as. A purveyor of only love and goodness in relationships.


Each action has an equal and opposite reaction. This was my lesson from last year. For all I do, I must do more. Because in doing more, I am rewarded in many more ways. I am not talking about material rewards - I am speaking of those related to kind hearts. The spreading of the message of what life is really about. And avoiding those who are simply young souls and don't get it. And the biggest lesson of all is to let people walk their own journeys because I am simply not responsible to fix, to lead them or even tell them the route to take. Even when they ask. Maybe I look like I have the answers but I think I have learned through hard knocks to save those secrets for the people in my life that I truly can trust. My energy has shifted. I need to give myself what I need. Not others who lack genuine concern about me. I can be kind. But I can have boundaries. My kindness can be very specific and clear. It can be sent lacking a truly attached heart and I am smart enough to know how to do this. It requires me cutting back on how approachable I can be. But it is necessary considering what I have endured over the past several months giving so much of myself away that there was nothing left for my family, let alone myself, to fall back on.


I was lucky in all that chaos that God protected me from myself and kept me healthy when emotionally I was not doing well at all. I have immense gratitude for those who stood by me and gave me the confidence to move forward despite my extreme fears. I made huge mistakes. Huge! But in forgiveness of others, and most importantly, myself, I have come to understand what I was really looking for. The price I paid was my own. My health and happiness. But I am back now. Feeling refreshed and renewed. And ready for some new challenges to appear before me. I can't wait to see what doors open. It has been a lot of hard work just pushing up and out of the tunnel however so worth the energy expended. 


Where will I be in 6 months? I don't really know. I have opened doors in two opposite directions. It is like rolling the dice and letting God decide my destiny. Whatever it is, it will be fabulous and it will be right. And I am excited to see what really unfolds. In fact - I truly can't wait!

Leap...

I was reading over some old writing of mine in another blog that I once shared with a friend. I wanted to reflect - to take a closer look at the person I once was, or rather, as the person I am coming to discover I really am.  Not much different really. I believe that in every stage of your life, you are laid bare to the elements. The pain of my experience was all consuming. Unlike anything I have experienced in such a long time. And it all still comes and goes in waves. It is not unlike profound grief. And I expect I will feel it for the rest of my life as I recall what I once believed was true.


I remain one that comes from love that sincerely looks naively at situations and attempts to see only goodness in that situation. More profound is how I seem to recognize, whether by sign, signal or intuition, that I am completely aware and alert of the freight train coming my direction. On some level, I believe that faith and hope play huge roles in how I think.  How I believe. The outcomes often do nothing to boost my self nurturing. Perhaps that lesson is to give it to myself. To trust myself. To believe in myself.


I keep a special recess for promise. Of better things to come. I am also learning that I am so incredibly capable - making me able to accomplish so much more than most are aware I am able to. And in order to capture the divinity that God gave me, it becomes my responsibility to hone these skills and work extra hard to make them surface. Make the life I dream of my reality.


The past few weeks have opened my eyes to possibilities I had long since buried in my own self pity. All the self confidence that my mental health diagnosis, my own stubbornness and my deep seated fears took away from me. I still hold those fears - but why? What is it I am still afraid of? Certainly it should be nothing where my ability to accomplish things lies. I can do anything I set my mind to. Truly. I have an impressive curriculum vitae - I have completed several lifetime goals in my short 49 years. And I should only be proud. So why be afraid? Life is a series of challenges and I so do want to accomplish more. Meet those challenges with courage. I am a force to reckon with and I deserve to be respected for the talents God gave me. And I am coming to see that they are appreciated and praised even when I feel like I am unworthy. Those are my insecurities. Not the reality of what I comprise. 


So despite the broken promises as well as the attempts to sabotage my wellness and control the outcome of my thoughts and intentions, I remain strong and believe the underlying truths shared. They mean more. They are the building blocks of my life force. I am smart. I am strong. I deserve so much. I can do so much. I just need to step off that fear precipice and leap.


And I think I just might.

Desire

Too often the thing you want most is the thing you can’t have.

Desire leaves us heartbroken

It wears us out

Desire can wreak your life

But as tough as wanting something can be, 

the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.

What is it I want, I wonder?