what are you waiting for?

Welcome to 2011 - the year of Wendy!


You know - this is an excellent question. What AM I waiting for? What do I need to move forward. To take the steps I need to rebuild everything I have lost over the past 15 years since my health rapidly declined and took what I perceived to be my power away.


Well the first thing would be to build a base of security all around me. I have stuff. I don't need more stuff. I need financial security. I lost everything I had purchasing those things to make my American middle class dream come true. Some wall street greedy bastard took that all away from me. And I worked hard to be able to do those things for myself. Very very hard. Interestingly enough, I have done it twice already. Once leaving behind everything in a home I purchased and invested in with DW. And now, to the greedy bastards of wall street & the past 15 years of trying to find happiness for my partner. And I once had such confidence and self esteem. That is not gone. I have allowed myself to believe it has but it is still there. Because I remain extremely driven to succeed. In fact, I know I will succeed.


What seems to hold me back is succeeding in just what? I certainly was once of the best interior designers in Canada. Maybe I should list my skills. See what comes up from the list.


1)     Licensed Commercial Interior Designer (however 15 years away from private practice),
2)     Executive Director familiar with Non-profit work in many specialties.
3)     Successful in Marketing, Promotion and Sales.
4)     Successful Grant Writer
5)     Volunteer Coordinator
6)     Idea Person
7)     Have owned several of my own businesses for the past 25 years. Sold one successfully for a profit.
8)     Detail Oriented. People pleaser.
9)     Artistic.
10)   Able to operate my own business or work well with others.
11)   Studied and continue to study Grief Therapy.  Interested in working in Grief Therapy/Art Therapy.
12)   Would like to own Green Cemetery.
13)   Am creative and artistic.
14)   Sit or have sat on several Boards.
15)   Love music.
16)   People person extraordinaire. People are drawn to me. 
17)   I am a writer. And a ghostwriter.


So how can I take these skills and make them work?  Let's make a list of what I need right now or want for my future.


1)    Financial security month to month.
2)    Re-establish a retirement account so I have financial security for later.
3)    To feel safe and secure enough in myself to be able to make this happen. So perhaps that is empowerment to some degree. A renewed belief in my ability and self esteem.
4)    To be financially independent.
5)    I want my daughter to feel safe, cared for and be able to provide for her every need - this may also mean her continuation at Private School.
6)   Think about Roth IRAS for my daughter for college. I need to apply for dual citizenship should she decide (crossing my fingers) to go to college in Canada. So dual residency.
7)   On a personal level? The strength I once had to conquer the world and the belief that anything I put my mind to I can have. This is one value my father strongly set in me. It's there. It needs to have it's rebirth. Big time.
8)   I want a convertible.
9)   I want to be able to retire someday to a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Small.
10) I want a loving life partner who respects me and loves me for exactly who I am. And I will do the same. I want peace, love and laughter to flow freely through my little cabin in the woods.
11) I want the strength to stand by those values, goals and dreams and make them come true.
12) I want an autoharp and I want to learn to play my hammered dulcimer.
13) Better physical health, more weight loss and strong muscles to lift myself up!


So exactly what AM I waiting for? Nothing. I need to get off my ass and get going. And so does my mirror. Truthfully. Because time is a wasting. And life is much to short to let time pass anyone by. I have a lot to do. So do you!
What are YOU waiting for?  As my friend would say, this is 2011 - the year of Wendy so come and join me for the ride.

Teamwork

I was recently reminded of a successful team effort - or rather a partnership - I have been putting all my love and energy into for the past several months. What gifts I have been given in that regard. And certainly the gifts I have chosen to share. It is interesting when you mirror your partner.  It is like staring at a different looking person that is really reflected back at you.  So I have plenty of my own self doubt, doubt about even deserving the possibilities, disbelieve in being able to achieve my destiny and living my truth - and I see it looking right back at me. The same fear in the eyes. The heavy pounding of the heart. The yearning. All of our joint efforts work when we are present to validate each other. But when we are apart - the doubt sets in again and fear overwhelms. Dumbfounded. Confused. Like being five years old living at home again.
We know what we want. We know whom we love. We know who we are. We know what we deserve. And we simply want the strength and belief in ourselves to get there. It doesn't feel like asking a lot. It is really about living what we deserve.
At the very least in all of the abuse I have endured in my life, my father taught be to fight for what is right. To fight for what you love. And I sat with him endlessly while he told me about all the abuse he suffered at the hands of my mother. I will not live this kind of live. Period.
My life is more than 1/2 over. I am working hard to be a better person. I am scared out of my bloody mind at the thoughts of change that are coming for me. I am scared to look at my body in the mirror because it isn't the one who can hide. The more I lose, the better I look. The more I fear being bothered and hurt by others.
I have put endless effort into empowering complete strangers and newfound family to find their voice. To know that God created them to live their Divinity. That it isn't about that person. It is about love. God wanting you to fulfill what you were put here to do and be loved in the process. I have said that angels come so infrequently with their blessed gifts. Living with intention, being mindful of each moment, feeling pure joy in every breath. That is what I want.
So what brings about the worst in me? Or perhaps in my mirror?
Well it is a simple word.  It is fear. Plain and simple fear. It walks hand in hand with me everyday. It's tentacles are wrapped around my heart and choke the very breath from mu lungs. I can become so afraid of my own truth and doubt my ability to follow through and I will manifest it in sheer terror.
So my new year's resolution is to get all the therapy I need to empower myself to a better me. And bring that to my mirror. And I will empower my mirror to do the same. In that team effort, a new success will be born. And in time, and in wellness, and in the building of self esteem and elimination of abusive self chatter - we will endure and clearly me and my mirror will walk away stronger for it.

Elizabeth

Elizabeth Edwards walked this life with the dignity and grace of a strong woman. She was a hero to me and to so many others who have watched their very lives unravel through the death of their child, the disenchantment of their spouse or a chronic, life threatening disease.  My prayers go out tonight to her children and family.  I remember her saying her biggest sadness was that there would be no true new love or man to hold her with great compassion and love as she transcends. Certainly one of the finest and bravest women I know. She was my hero in so many ways - trying so hard to change our health care system. She now rests in the loving arms of her son Wade. I have no doubt it made death easier for her. What a truly amazing woman. 

It's all about love people. All about love.

Elizabeth's post from Facebook

“You all know that I have been sustained throughout my life by three saving graces — my family, my friends, and a faith in the power of resilience and hope. These graces have carried me through difficult times and they have brought more joy to the good times than I ever could have imagined.

“The days of our lives, for all of us, are numbered. We know that. And, yes, there are certainly times when we aren't able to muster as much strength and patience as we would like. It’s called being human. But I have found that in the simple act of living with hope, and in the daily effort to have a positive impact in the world, the days I do have are made all the more meaningful and precious. And for that I am grateful.

“It isn’t possible to put into words the love and gratitude I feel to everyone who has and continues to support and inspire me every day. To you I simply say: you know.

“With love, Elizabeth.”

love conquers all

Due to unfortunate circumstances that have occurred in my life over the past few weeks, I found myself launched and landing in a place of negativity that is counter my nature. I tend to be upbeat, positive and one who always sees the glass half full. Never half empty. I truly have been on a pity party. Feeling quite sorry for myself. Part of it is my anxiety. A larger part is the influence I have allowed others to have on me in hurtful ways because I have been unable to set clear boundaries. If I love you deeply, I will go to great lengths to solve any sort of issue that may separate us. I am not sure whether this is due to my need to be forgiven or understood, or because I hurt as deeply as the person I perceive I may have hurt. Other people, who may be passing through my life like dust in the wind, don't particularly matter so much but still retain the same power to take me to my knees. So I have decided to only concentrate on the relationships of those whom I love deeply. I am incredibly grateful someone has offered to allow me to delegate the rest.


But enough already. I need to pull up my socks and get on with the business of loving life and uplifting those I love dearly to love it too. Things may not come to us the way we want them and in the time we want them but ultimately there is a plan for us all. And it lies in the hands of God. But we are responsible for making His plan our reality. I can only do the best I can with what God has given me and hope that the message is ultimately conveyed.


Here is what I believe. Love conquers all. You simply cannot stop it. And it is what propels my every action.


Life Magazine was the final periodical to interview Michael Landon prior to his death in 1991. Even though the messages he conveyed through production in television spoke of strong family values, Michael himself was not a perfect man by any stretch.  He was also a child abused by his parents with a father and mother who did not love him. And somewhat self destructive in his behavior. 


Recently, prior to the article, he had been living under the cloud of an affair that brought him together with his current wife (10 years at this point) but made no excuses or apologies for it when asked. It was something I found quite compelling coming from someone who was in my eyes, the perfect television father and advocate for family values. When asked why he had left his long term marriage, he said simply, "I believe in God, family, truth between people and the power of love."  I wish I could find the exact quote about the power of love and I will eventually. But is was strong. It was clear. And he meant it. He was three weeks from death and it was only love that propelled him further. To create and to survive.  Clearly, it summed up who he was as a man and it is what I will hold of his legacy as his gift to me. Because in the end, our values were identical. 


Love conquers all. I believe in the power of love. Only a fool would pass it by. When it comes to you softly and touches your cheek, hold onto it tight. Plan ahead for the blessings it will bring you in your future. Because we only get one chance at this life and we need to grab on tight to love. As it comes. Wherever it comes from. It will hold our hand in life. It will hold our hand in death. It will understand our every fear. It will support us through our greatest travesties. It will laugh with us in moments of great joy. Love gives us hope for a better day. Love gives us the will to survive. Love strengthens our core. Love forgives and moves on. Love never punishes. Love never condemns. Love is patient and kind. Love gives us the ability to explore and understand the very depths of each other. Thank you God for the gift of love.


"Somebody should tell us, right at the start of our lives, that we are dying. Then we might live life to the limit, every minute of every day. Do it! I say. Whatever you want to do, do it now! There are only so many tomorrows."     Michael Landon


I dedicate this blog to Peter... I miss you terribly. And Michael's words were yours to me. I promise you, I heard you.