the show's half over...

Well - actually more than that as I realize watching old videos of my gorgeous child. The youthfulness and excitement of watching my young mama self. I love seeing the pure joy and happiness in my eyes. I am sparkling. And watching them made me excited to sparkle again. Every moment is one of discovery with Kami. Every moment is more discovery and learning for myself. I guess I thought I would have had it all by this age but I am truly still learning. I see the neediness in me. I see my need to fill places never filled appropriately in my childhood. I see more strength and determination to speak my truth. And most of all, I see fulfillment in being the person I visualize myself as. A purveyor of only love and goodness in relationships.


Each action has an equal and opposite reaction. This was my lesson from last year. For all I do, I must do more. Because in doing more, I am rewarded in many more ways. I am not talking about material rewards - I am speaking of those related to kind hearts. The spreading of the message of what life is really about. And avoiding those who are simply young souls and don't get it. And the biggest lesson of all is to let people walk their own journeys because I am simply not responsible to fix, to lead them or even tell them the route to take. Even when they ask. Maybe I look like I have the answers but I think I have learned through hard knocks to save those secrets for the people in my life that I truly can trust. My energy has shifted. I need to give myself what I need. Not others who lack genuine concern about me. I can be kind. But I can have boundaries. My kindness can be very specific and clear. It can be sent lacking a truly attached heart and I am smart enough to know how to do this. It requires me cutting back on how approachable I can be. But it is necessary considering what I have endured over the past several months giving so much of myself away that there was nothing left for my family, let alone myself, to fall back on.


I was lucky in all that chaos that God protected me from myself and kept me healthy when emotionally I was not doing well at all. I have immense gratitude for those who stood by me and gave me the confidence to move forward despite my extreme fears. I made huge mistakes. Huge! But in forgiveness of others, and most importantly, myself, I have come to understand what I was really looking for. The price I paid was my own. My health and happiness. But I am back now. Feeling refreshed and renewed. And ready for some new challenges to appear before me. I can't wait to see what doors open. It has been a lot of hard work just pushing up and out of the tunnel however so worth the energy expended. 


Where will I be in 6 months? I don't really know. I have opened doors in two opposite directions. It is like rolling the dice and letting God decide my destiny. Whatever it is, it will be fabulous and it will be right. And I am excited to see what really unfolds. In fact - I truly can't wait!

Leap...

I was reading over some old writing of mine in another blog that I once shared with a friend. I wanted to reflect - to take a closer look at the person I once was, or rather, as the person I am coming to discover I really am.  Not much different really. I believe that in every stage of your life, you are laid bare to the elements. The pain of my experience was all consuming. Unlike anything I have experienced in such a long time. And it all still comes and goes in waves. It is not unlike profound grief. And I expect I will feel it for the rest of my life as I recall what I once believed was true.


I remain one that comes from love that sincerely looks naively at situations and attempts to see only goodness in that situation. More profound is how I seem to recognize, whether by sign, signal or intuition, that I am completely aware and alert of the freight train coming my direction. On some level, I believe that faith and hope play huge roles in how I think.  How I believe. The outcomes often do nothing to boost my self nurturing. Perhaps that lesson is to give it to myself. To trust myself. To believe in myself.


I keep a special recess for promise. Of better things to come. I am also learning that I am so incredibly capable - making me able to accomplish so much more than most are aware I am able to. And in order to capture the divinity that God gave me, it becomes my responsibility to hone these skills and work extra hard to make them surface. Make the life I dream of my reality.


The past few weeks have opened my eyes to possibilities I had long since buried in my own self pity. All the self confidence that my mental health diagnosis, my own stubbornness and my deep seated fears took away from me. I still hold those fears - but why? What is it I am still afraid of? Certainly it should be nothing where my ability to accomplish things lies. I can do anything I set my mind to. Truly. I have an impressive curriculum vitae - I have completed several lifetime goals in my short 49 years. And I should only be proud. So why be afraid? Life is a series of challenges and I so do want to accomplish more. Meet those challenges with courage. I am a force to reckon with and I deserve to be respected for the talents God gave me. And I am coming to see that they are appreciated and praised even when I feel like I am unworthy. Those are my insecurities. Not the reality of what I comprise. 


So despite the broken promises as well as the attempts to sabotage my wellness and control the outcome of my thoughts and intentions, I remain strong and believe the underlying truths shared. They mean more. They are the building blocks of my life force. I am smart. I am strong. I deserve so much. I can do so much. I just need to step off that fear precipice and leap.


And I think I just might.

Desire

Too often the thing you want most is the thing you can’t have.

Desire leaves us heartbroken

It wears us out

Desire can wreak your life

But as tough as wanting something can be, 

the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.

What is it I want, I wonder?

Impulses...

At any given moment the brain has 14 billion neurons firing at a speed of 450 miles per hour.
We don’t have control over most of them.

We get a chill; goose bumps, when we get excited; adrenalin

The body naturally follows its impulses.

Which I think is part of what makes it so hard for us to control our own.

Of course, sometimes, we have impulses we would rather not control.

That we later wish we had.

The body is a slave to its impulses

But the thing that makes us human is what we can control.

After the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment has passed...

We can cool off and clean up the messes we’ve made.

We can try to let go of what once was.

And then again...

Time

Time waits for no man

Time heals all wounds.

All any of us wants is more time.

Time to stand up.

Time to grow up

Time to let go.

Time.

More pain...

The small twinge. A bit of soreness. The random pain. 

The normal pains we live with everyday.

Then there’s the kind of pain you can’t ignore. 

A level of pain so great that it blocks out everything else.

Makes the rest of the world fade away.

Until all we can think about is how much we hurt.

How we manage our pain is up to us.

Pain . We anesthetize. Ride it out. Embrace it. Ignore it.

And for some of us, the best way to manage pain is to just push through it.

That's what I'm trying to do...

Pain

This quote below reminds me of a previous relationship. 

Forever and ago.

When I first heard it - it cut through my heart.

The exact words I would have chosen if I only could have found them at that time.

What did you just say to me?

I don’t remember ever asking you to forgive me.

You don’t get to call me a whore.

When I met you, I thought I had found the person that I was going to spend the rest of my life with.

I was done. 

With all the boys, 

and all the bars, 

and all the obvious daddy issues.
Who cared?  

Because I was done.

You left me.
You chose her.
I’m all glued back together now.

I make no apologies for how I chose to repair what you broke.

You don’t get to call me a whore.

And that leads me to...

Pain.

You just have to ride it out.

Hope it goes away on it’s own.

Hope the wound that caused it heals.

There are no solutions.

No easy answers.

You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside.

Most of the time, pain can be managed.

But sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it.

It’s way below the belt, and doesn’t let up.

Pain.

You just have to fight through it.

Because the truth is, you can’t outrun it.

And life always makes more.

plans

This excerpt - again from Grey's Anatomy - seems to speak to where I am right now.

I spoke with a treasured friend this morning. Everyone wants to help me. 

I so appreciate that the very people I expect are offering their love and support. 

And what they do when they validate me, is subtly urge the necessity it has become

to move forward, providing me with the courage I really need right now.

I am scared out of my mind. Truly.

I try to remember what it was like to leave my home and the safety and comfort of my 

friends and my work. It was so painful. And it will be gut-wretching to uproot again.

I was happy there once. I can be happy there again. I just have to have faith and trust. 

I have to believe I can make this work. 

We are together as a family - however - there is not money this time. 

It will just be one day at a time - true survival. 

And maybe, with that little courage and inner voice, we'll find our way back home. Somewhere safe and secure for a change. 

Life. A surprise around every corner.

The thing about plans is they don’t take into account the unexpected.

So when we’re thrown a curveball in life,

We have to improvise.

Of course, some of us are better at it than others.

Some of us just have to move on to Plan B and make the best of it.

And sometimes, what we want is exactly what we need.

But sometimes,... sometimes what we need is a new plan.

anger

In life we are taught that there are seven deadly sins.

We all know the big ones...

Gluttony, Pride, Lust

But the thing you don’t hear much about is anger.

Maybe it’s because we don’t think anger is all that dangerous...

That we can control it.

My point is, maybe we don’t give anger enough credit.

Maybe it can be a lot more dangerous than we think.

After all when it comes to destructive behavior,

It did make the top seven.

So what makes anger different for the seven other deadly sins?

It’s pretty simple really. You get into a sin like envy or pride and you only hurt yourself.

Try lust or coveting, and you’ll only hurt yourself and probably one or two others.

But anger. Anger is the worst.

The mother of all sins.

I hate you for teaching me to hate.

reaching

I honestly don't know if I am strong enough to survive this agony. I am in pieces tonight. I need to stay honest and purge honestly. The height of this financial mountain feels so overwhelming. I know it's "only money" but I am not sure how to survive it. I feel exhausted and tired. Worn out like a rag. How is it that we are told that we make too much but can't even meet expenses let alone pay our mortgage?
I feel like a complete and utter failure. I am so sorry Kami. I have failed you. I can't even pay for your school. I have failed my marriage. I have failed at work. My health has failed me. And I am trying so hard. So so hard. With every ounce of strength that I have. I keep on trying. And I'll keep trying until I haven't the strength to carry on any longer. I am praying for help. I work hard to be of service. I am running uphill in sand.
I am sending out my hand to the universe. I am on my knees praying for God to direct me in whatever direction we need to go to alleviate this pain. To hold us together. To keep us alive to see this through. Please show us a rainbow. Lead us to the light. Heal us. I know we have more than learned this lesson.

history...

Some people believe without history, our lives mean nothing.

At some point we all have to choose.

Do we fall back on what we know...

or do we step forward to something new?

It’s hard not to be haunted by our past.

Our history is what shapes us, what guides us.

Our history resurfaces time after time after time.

So we have to remember sometimes that the most important history

is the history we’re making today.

what about me...

What about me?
So inconsequential - I have been conditioned from an infant to believe that my feelings don't matter. That I don't have feelings. Or at the very least shouldn't have them.
I sat and listened to several people in deep agony today. A place I am at but unable to show. You see a smile. And in my heart the hope and promise of something better. Something that aligns with the vision I once had for myself.
Everything I have ever worked for monetarily is gone. Nothing prepared me for the tornado that took my life savings and dreams for my future away from me. My home? I am two and a half years behind on my second mortgage. And now two months behind on my first. And I had more than one hundred thousand in this - my home. So my home is soon to be gone.
My automobile has been hit by three different people. All of them cared not to leave their name so in order for it to be repaired, I have to reach into my top hat and instead of pulling out a rabbit, I need to pull out $5,000.00. Where does that come from? Why didn't anyone care about my car or my feelings? I would care about them. Incomprehensible. My brain won't comprehend anyone being so cruel.
The people who said they would never back down on supporting my daughter's education took her scholarship away - I remember hearing the words, "We could do so much more for kids in college with that money than spending it on private school tuition for Kami." My heart broke in that moment. I do remember sobbing. Hard. It was my child after all.  I passed the two new Lexus' in the driveway as I left with the mascara I was wearing all over my face.
Then my sweet child is missing four permanent molars. They simply do not exist. In order to make her feel normal and have a regular smile, it will take a mere $22,500.00.
All the while, I try to find a way to repair the stucco damage on our home, the deck, fence and house that desperately needs painting and the furnace that must be replaced for over $5,000.00. On a house I really don't own anymore but care so much about.
Unfortunately, I can't find out my daughter's grades because I can't afford to pay what's owing on her tuition - $2,500.00. This was never supposed to be my bill but how to you sue people that are endlessly richer than you'll ever be?
And then there are the unending medical bills that total over $2,000.00 from my husband's stroke that are long past due.
Not to mention two crowns and a myriad of dental bills along with a new disease diagnosis - polycystic ovaries. Just fucking fabulous. An another $4,000.00. And they tell me I can get pregnant? If the doctor only knew.
And no sex. A husband who loves me but cannot be sexual. How painful to not be touched. But he remains my best friend. It is a safe place for me and I love that he protects me in the only way he knows how. I do feel lonely a lot. Lonely in love with my best friend. Out comes the chocolate marshmallow bunny to ease the pain.
All this before my 50th Birthday coming up soon. Not ever where I thought I would be. I am incredibly disappointed in what has happened that I could not control in my life and that includes being disappointed in myself. I am disappointed in people in general. This disappointment makes me try harder with people to show them the love I believe I deserve. So in giving it, I feel like I am able to give what isn't given to me. And it is a gift I can give without cost.
So what did I do to combat all this stress? I bury my heart and soul into my personal relationships. And the one relationship I trusted the most betrayed me. I have never been betrayed before - truly. It is because I trust and give so freely. I believe and I support and hold the people I love with such amazing esteem. I am loyal - a forever friend. And what happened to me was completely unexpected. Unconscionable and totally abusive. It was the end of a long list of painful events that have occurred over the course of 2 1/2 years to bring me to my knees.
When people let you down, it hurts so much more exponentially than anything else. Most especially if you are one who loves and shares and is honest and trusting. Me getting screwed in every way? Never had it happen. And it is painful for me to even think about. Ouch. The wound may not gape open but it hurts. It hurts ME and has made me question my values and how I evaluate my friendships. Quite frankly, I won't allow that kind of closeness again. I am back in my box. It feels lonely but safe in every way.
Finally - my definition of a mother is love. Seven days with Alice and she pummels me with angry rages and insults. In fact she totally believes I am the one with the problems. The one that cause all her problems. And if that makes her happy, well then let her believe it. I have never received that unconditional acceptance or love from the person who calls herself my mother. And I ache for it in every way. I have looked for a mom all my life. And the funny part is that they're all taken. I'll never have the mother I deserved to have as a child. Such a huge grief piece for me.
So have I considered and weighed solutions? Well definitely. Every single one that you can think of has entered my wandering mind. Suicide - every now and then. I've spent too much on life insurance to throw that away. It is the only investment left for my child. Running away or maybe disappearing? - all the time. Leaving the country - currently ranking number one. Getting a divorce - not crazy about it at this moment. Just dying in one place - every second? Such a slow way to go. Eating my pain away. Sure, my daughter says I am the strongest woman she knows. That I show tremendous courage. But I don't have the courage or maybe it's the control to stop what's happening to my life.  Every breath I take where I witness things not evolving makes me feel like my very spirit is dying a slow death. The enthusiastic upbeat girl is wearing out. I am getting tired. And truly, I don't know how much more energy I have physically or emotionally to carry on.
Why doesn't the pain stop? Why doesn't the universe think I have endured enough? I suppose I get comfort helping people in pain because I feel the same level of pain that they do. And I admire their courage. They look at me and see something quite different than the reality. So I can bare that truth and reality to others in pain. They understand because they are there in a much more visible way than I. It is the common thread. And I grow to love them because we are walking the same scary path - between survival and winning the battle and failure or giving up and losing the fight. Like being on a tightrope.
Enter finally the sunshine.Enter finally the face of the only thing that truly makes my life worthwhile. My child. The little girl I love more than life itself. The child I wanted so badly, who I can get to be a mother with. To be the mother I never had but certainly deserve. Truly, if it weren't for her, I might not keep trying so desperately to make things better. To make things right. She deserves a great life. And certainly she receives love in spades. As much love as my heart can hold. She is the very reason I survive and keep fighting the good fight. People may think their actions haven't hurt me. But they do. They have hurt me and changed the core of who I am. But my daughter? She is innocence and pure love. And I am blessed by this amazing child who really believes I am the mother of the year. How blessed am I?
So my gratitude is to Mary Kamisha. My lighthouse in the perfect storm. She guides me back to what matters. She shows me every day how much I matter. She doesn't take away what I have worked for, she doesn't betray me - she accepts me, lumps and all - for the mother I try so hard to be. She knows I make mistakes but she loves me regardless. And I have endless gratitude for her. She is my greatest teacher and my truest love. I'll bet a lot of people don't have what I have. And I imagine that may be the reason no other gifts have come my way lately. Because I have already received one greater than most others will ever know.
So now I must go. Because it is time to cuddle with her. And it is the only moment of the day that brings me pure joy anymore. I simply can't miss one moment of it. 

healing

Listening to kd lang. Something really haunting about her voice. Draws me deeper into myself. To the confusion and sadness I can't express. Like a raincloud that won't burst. A wound that smarts.  
I feel strength I have never felt before. Change is before me. The sun is rising. My future is bright as the sun as it shines. And I am excited for what tomorrow might bring. Exhilarated - truly!
But try as I might, there is a piece of not being good enough. Fortified by the misappropriated curse of someone whom I cared for who chewed up my essence and spit it out. And with so much shame in that hollow and sick heart, cannot face me with truth. With honestly only he knows. I only get to view the cowardice. And it makes me sick. It makes me think twice about my ability to have read what was before me.
I flinch when I think of how I have allowed this to affect me. We spoke of grief at Circle and God knows I have studied it endlessly. I deal with my grief. It is experiential - coming in huge breaks and finally now in softer waves. My grief is absolutely real. I feel it. I allow it in. And after it brings me to my knees, it moves slowly through my body. It whispers into my ear. It is the air I breathe. It makes the hair on my skin rise. How long can it feel like torture? I suppose until my dignity reenters. And it has. And it feels good to reclaim myself. But the grief still remains of words not said. Of truth not shared. Of pain of the rejection I never deserved.
The lesson in it all, as I shared at Circle, is my ability to truly experience every feeling. I love very deeply. And in that, I grieve very deeply. Everything I experience and express is my truth and my emotions are raw and honest. So my experience was absolutely real in every way. My only assumption is that what was returned was an untruth. An illusion. Something I was meant to believe so that I would act based on believing something so much more than what was really there. 
So I was duped. I was used. And that person gets to live with themselves for the inauthentic person they truly are. Their loss. The punishment for it is that they get to continue living their miserable lie of a life. Unhappy. Unloved for their authenticity. That kind of life is nothing I would ever chose to live. And isn't that the saddest ending for a story you've ever heard?  
The lesson? Not sure there is one. Because I trusted and believed. I took the story that was told at it's face value. I trusted and opened my soul. So I was real. I was genuine and I gave freely with only goodness and hope in my heart. And I would do it again. Perhaps not so easily. But I am here to live. To really live. And in living, you will get hurt. The hurt helps you grow and appreciate the joy that will once again surround you.
And I am once again surrounded by great joy. Now, if I could just see myself as absolutely good enough. Then I think I will have finally learned my lesson in all of this.

A wise man once said you can have anything in life...

If you sacrifice everything else for it.

What he meant is nothing comes without a price.

So before you go into battle, you better decide how much you’re willing to lose.

Too often, going after what feels good, means letting go of what is right.

And letting someone in, means abandoning the walls you’ve spent a lifetime building.

Of course, the toughest sacrifices are the ones we don’t see coming.

When we don’t have time to come up with a strategy to pick a side or to measure the potential loss.

When that happens, when the battle chooses us and not the other way around, that’s when the sacrifice turns out to be more than we can bear.

We all go through life like "bulls in a china shop" - 

a chip here, a crack there,

doing damage to ourselves,...  to other people.

The problem is trying to figure out how to control the damage we’ve done, or that’s been done to us.

Sometimes the damage catches us by surprise.

Sometimes we think we can fix the damage.

And sometimes the damage is something we can’t see.

I can feel damage all around me.

Human Beings need a lot of things to feel alive.

Family.

Love.

Sex.

But we only need one thing

to actually be alive.

We need a beating heart.

When our heart is threatened,

we respond in one of two ways

We either run

or

we attack.

There’s a scientific term for this...

Fight or flight.

It’s instinct.

We can‘t control it...

or can we?

life...

What’s worse?

New wounds which are so horribly painful

Or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did.

Maybe our old wounds teach us something

They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome
they teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future

That’s what we'd like to think...

But that’s not the way it is, is it.

Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.

We have to learn our own lessons.

We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug,

Until we can’t anymore,

Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant.

That knowing is better than wondering.

That waking is better than sleeping.

And even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake,

Beats the hell out of trying.

changes

There are a lot of things that can take over your brain when you fantasize. 

Lately, my fantasies are pretty simple. 

Most of the time, they lie in safety and stability.

But every now and then some other kind of fantasy slips in.

Most of our fantasies dissolve when we awake, banished to the back of our mind.

But sometimes we’re sure, if we try hard enough, we can live the dream.

The fantasy is simple; the pleasure is good.

And twice as much pleasure is better.

That pain is bad, and no pain is better.

But the reality is different.

The reality is that pain is there to tell us something.

And there’s only so much pleasure we can take without getting a stomach ache.

Maybe some fantasies are only supposed to live in our dreams.

Too often the thing you want most is the thing you can’t have.

Desire leaves us heartbroken

It wears us out...

Desire can wreak havoc on your life.

But as tough as wanting something can be, 

the people who suffer the most are those who don’t know what they want.

I think I know what I want.

So why am I suffering?

We either adapt to change,

Or we get left behind.

Heres the truth,

The more things change,the more they stay the same.

Oh…. Sometimes change is good.

Sometimes change is everything.

Grown-ups

After careful consideration and many sleepless nights,

I've decided that there’s no such thing as a grown up.
We move on, we move out, we move away from our families and form our own.

But the basic insecurities, the basic fears 

and all those old wounds just grow up with us.

And just when we think that life and circumstance have forced us truly, 

once and for all to become an adult, 

your mother says something like…

"Put on a hat! Dry your hair! You'll catch your death!"
We get bigger, we get taller, we get older,

But for the most part we’re still a bunch of kids, 

running around the playground trying desperately to fit in.

I’ve heard that it’s possible to grow up

I’ve just never met anyone who’s actually done it.

Without parents to defy we break the rules that we make for ourselves.

We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way.

We whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark.

We look for comfort where we can find it.

And we hope against logic, against all experience,

to finally get there.

Like children, we never give up hope.

It's a hard life - 

so instead of wishing for what we think will make us happy,

that career, that relationship, that money, that new car...

why not just love what we've got in this moment?

You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales

That fantasy of what your life would be

White dress

Prince Charming who’d carry you away to a castle on the hill

You’d lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith

Santa Claus

Tooth Fairy

Prince Charming

They were so close you could taste them

But eventually, you grow up

One day, you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears

most people turn to the things and people they can trust.

But the thing is...

it’s hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely

cause almost everyone still has that smallest bit of hope, of faith

that one day they’ll open their eyes and it will all come true.

And once in a while, people may even take your breath away.

meredith...

An early bird catches the worm.

A stitch in time saves nine.

He who hesitates is lost.

We can’t pretend we haven’t been told.

We’ve all heard the proverbs

Heard the philosophers,

Heard our grandparents warning us about wasted time,

Heard the damn poets telling us to seize the day.

Still, sometimes, we have to see for ourselves.

We have to make our mistakes.

We have to learn our own lessons.

We have to sweep today’s possibility under tomorrow’s rug,

Until we can’t anymore,

Until we finally understand for ourselves what Benjamin Franklin meant.

That knowing is better than wondering.

That waking is better than sleeping.

And even the biggest failure, even the worst most intractable mistake,

Beats the hell out of trying.
Maybe we like the pain…

Maybe we’re wired that way.

Because without it, I don’t know.

Maybe we just wouldn’t feel real.

What’s that saying,…

"Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?"

Because it feels so good when I stop.

Fear

I don’t know why we put things off.

But if I had to guess, I’d say it has a lot to with fear.

Fear of failure.

Fear of pain.

Fear of rejection.

Sometimes the fear is just of making a decision.

Because what if you’re wrong.

What if you’re making a mistake you can’t undo?

Whatever it is we’re afraid of, one thing holds true…

that by the time the pain of not doing the thing,

gets worse than the fear of doing it,

it can feel like we’re carrying around a large tumor.

I feel like my entire life has been put on hold. It is like being held in a box where there is no escape. I am stuck waiting for time to pass while others outside of me make decisions about my financial future. And I dislike this very much. It is paralyzing my growth. Nowhere to move. But the world keeps moving. I can’t advance because I face being penalized. For five more years. And I feel like I have been imprisoned for 2 ½ years already. It feels incredibly unfair. Horrible truly.

Call it what you want. A monkey on my back.

I never thought in a million years I would be faced with this level of financial ruin. I have always been generous – sometimes to a fault – but not over the top excessive. I had been saving for my retirement, had a lovely house that wasn’t inflating years ago but was affordable (more affordable than what I have now), everything was paid for – no loans, no cost for health care and on top of that, I was making a generous living so I was able to travel and afford a decent lifestyle.

I attribute the weight I have gained since I moved here to deep rooted sadness.  It shows externally my depression and sadness at losing my perceived identity.  Isn’t that why people gain weight? Because on some level, they care little about themselves. 

I moved to a new place, a new country that I had trouble adjusting to. Having defined myself by what I could accomplish, I was unable to resume my career and could never really make a decent living despite my skills (which are amazing!).

So hence the depression that has held for years that I attribute solely to my inner voice and the tapes that go around in my head telling me things I thought I had long since let go of. And I have noticed those tapes resurfacing in the past few months, regurgitating the negative talk I heard endlessly as a child. I am now a grown up so it seems to me that that should stop. Shouldn’t it? The insecurities. The false accusations of my parents I believed by osmosis. I thought I had changed the chorus. Because the voice inside of me, the one who knows my authenticity, screams STOP IT!  You are worthy! Of everything that comes you way. In every way.

But that little Wendy needs constant validation. When do you finally believe your worth? Does anyone know? Can anyone help me with this?

To tell you the truth, my wrist is sore from snapping elastics against it.  Every time I miss the family I have that doesn’t love me or the relationships I believed were true and loving that weren’t or miss the false validation I received from them, I slap the elastic and repeat that that person or persons is (was) abusive. And I am drawn to fixing and repairing the abused. And they all find my inner vulnerabilities and exploit them and wonder why I am hurt.

It should have occurred to me to put all of that energy into myself. Shouldn’t it? I mean really. It’s about time… I mean, I am almost 50. And I want a better second half. Fulfilling. Loving. Appreciating the gifts God gave me and being with someone who loves me. Truly.

Because it’s the year of Wendy. And that’s what matters most.

You are my Sunshine

This was a tough day for you sweetheart. You are going through great big changes - starting to want to exert your independence. You go from 0 to 60 in one breath and then you release your angst in screams and tears. You get frustrated because you make mistakes and then are embarrassed. And you take it all out on me because you know I'll always love you. That is true. I will.
But it isn't how you should vent those frustrations. Life is hard. True. But being aggressive with yourself - feeling backed into a corner with your mind - makes things very difficult for you. The tears and the fighting back in defense - with yourself and me... with yourself and your father - will never serve you well.  We will be there for you always. 
We are all human beings with feelings. We feel happy. We feel excited. And we can hurt very badly.
Your words to me can hurt me very badly. 
We work hard to give you everything you need. And we work even harder to give you some of the things you really want. You never have had to ask. Remember darling, we were once your age so we know what it is like to wish for things you really want. And you are blessed to receive far more than our parents were able to give us. Things are difficult for us to afford. But it is easier than it was for our parents. So our view is that you are very blessed.
I work a lot of extra jobs so that you can attend private school and unfortunately, it has cost a lot of time and money you and I could spend traveling. Don't forget the precious time we could spend one on one together. It is never a sacrifice because you are a priority to me. Over and above anything in my life, you are my reason for living. You are my legacy. And all I wish to be remembered for is doing my very best at being your mama. Not for the beautiful buildings I designed that I won awards for. Not for overcoming all the challenges that have presented themselves in my life. Not for all the time I gave to non-profit work, doing my best to try to help everyone in our community. None of it holds a candle to you, my precious darling. We all get opportunities to touch the world in different ways. I feel like I am doing the best I can to touch everything that brings me great passion. But your happiness and our relationship is my ultimate priority. Never forget that. Never.
But you are growing up and I am afraid I won't be able to "touch" you if you keep building these walls to be tough and so grown up. You need to remember that everyone has feelings honey. Just because you don't like what someone says doesn't give you permission to be unkind or say something that hurts their feelings. 
I absolutely love spending time with you. It is fun to go shopping. To see what you love. Because I am fascinated by what you like. And I want to do these big girl things with you. I know you might feel embarrassed to shop with your mama. But the thing to say would be that you don't wish to go shopping. Not say something like, "Stop asking me if I like this and that. Stop it! You're irritating!" That is simply not what you should say when you are frustrated. It makes me not wish to spend time with you. And when I call you on it or correct you, you fly away into crazy-land where you scream and shout and then cry. Out of embarrassment? Out of frustration? I am not sure. But back stepping is wrong. Being honest is right. Speaking your truth is the right thing to do. And the mature thing to do. 
So try it sometime honey. I am here to practice with. 
One more thing.
At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So you can waste your life drawing lines or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines, that are way too dangerous to cross.  Here's what I know, if you're willing to take the chance, the view from the other side is spectacular! So give everything your best try. Because every time you fall, you learn. Then you get back up and try it again. And one day - you succeed!
I love you my darling. Let's try this all again, OK?
And remember, you are my sunshine and always will be. xox

Sade - Never As Good As The First Time

Left my husband.
Moved to my apartment on Elbow Drive.  It was in Calgary. I was single. Strong. Excited.
Hot boyfriend. Great sex. Hot boyfriend. 
Lots of Sade. Lots of sex. Tons of fun. Great boyfriend. Did I say that already?
That boyfriend just kept on coming back. Doesn't speak much for his emotional stability hanging out
with Miss Unpredictable. He was a like a Timex watch. You know...
First time owning a cat - Katie. In a one bedroom apartment. Fabulous!
We still used record players and reel to reels for great quality music.
Time. Changes. No Walkmans. No computers.
I did have an Astratune however.
Oh to be young again. Hmmm - 1985. Sheesh. Seems like a lifetime ago.
OK - I was 24 years old plus or minus a year. Looking back, that marriage didn't last very long. However we were together for over eight years. That's a 1/3 of your lifetime when you're 24.
Here's some advice for you dear Kami. Never marry your high school sweetheart (yes I know it works for some) but the second piece of advice would be try before you buy.
And don't ask you parents for a ton of money on a lavish wedding. Have them put it in trust to save for you for when the bubble bursts. Get married on the beach. I promise to come and bring anyone you want (less than 10 people). Gotta set my limits since the economy crashed.
OK - I know what you're all thinking. Just because I made these mistakes doesn't mean she will too. But the toxic bliss of loving and feeling loved can be addictive. Doesn't last. Reality sets in. Then you're fucked. 
Nothing compares to the joy of youth and freedom. So much fun. Memories. Great ones that give me an ear to ear smile! :)
I wonder if that now married ex-boyfriend needs Viagra now? God it's fun to be almost 50.
Is it some sick joke that we amp up as women when men's parts simply quit working? I wanna know what that's all about. Really. It's a cruel sick joke.
Doesn't give me a lot of hope for round two.

borderlines

I have been reading a lot about borderline personalities. My mother is a borderline. The easiest way to be with her is to not be with her for very long. Or not at all. Perhaps that explains the ease of being a 14 hour drive away.
She can shift from loving you to hating you as fast as you can snap your fingers. It is a difficult illness to figure out because the people who love borderlines often do a dance of confusion with them. To live with a borderline is almost asking for complete chaos. I suppose this is alright when you go into a relationship knowing what to expect.  But when you are their child, you are powerless. There is nowhere to go.
Unfortunately, most people have little to no idea why their beloved acts the way they do. Reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About has a Borderline Disorder" has opened my eyes wide to what I endured as a child.
Borderlines often do not seek help because they don't see anything wrong with their behavior. Their actions are coping mechanisms that are learned during their formative years to cope - often from the abuse of their parents. And borderlines always... always... choose co-dependants to be in relationships with. This is so they are never left. They carry great fears. And abandonment is one of those fears.
"Exposure of oneself leads to toxic shame. A shame based person will guard against exposing their inner self to others, but more significantly, they will guard against exposing themselves to themselves."
NonBP's often feel manipulated and lied to by their BP loved ones. They are controlled and taken advantage of by silent treatments, no-win situations, threats often involving police, instant rages and other methods that are drastic and unfair. (Do any of you reading think this sounds remotely familiar?) It is really much like emotional blackmail and is unfamiliar territory to a nonBP.
These are desperate methods a BP takes to cope with their painful feelings or to get their needs met. And they carefully mask the pressure they are applying. They are clever and intelligent, often getting to know the person they need on an intensely intimate level. They are also very skilled at reading the person they select to comfort them - which often gives them the label of being "emotional vampires".
BPs often play a game of "tag, you're it"; when a BP tags you, they are unconsciously trying to transfer their own behaviors, feelings or traits to you. In doing this, the BP thinks they are defective in some sort of way so they transfer these thoughts to the nonBP. An example might be - "You made me have this affair because you're such a lousy wife" - when what they say to themselves is... "I had this affair because I think I am a lousy husband and don't deserve to be loved." BPs actually can accuse you of the very behavior they are actually doing. Then they use this imagined behavior to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions.
Sound complicated?
Try loving one. It is living in a state of constant confusion. Truly meant to drive you emotionally around the bend. And finally, you end up just as sick as the person who has the mental illness.
BPs traits include "splitting" - or black and white thinking. They deny flaws because to assume them would make them less than perfect. So their thinking would be this...  "There seems to be a problem. It's not my fault. Therefore, the problem must be yours."
After game after game like "tag, you're it" - the nonBP may start to behave in a way that makes the BPs accusations true. And this is called projective identification.
You can see I am learning a lot here. And it makes sense to me. If you repeat a lie long enough, people will believe you. As you can see, a nonBP ends up feeling somewhat brainwashed - the messages are consistent, the nonBP is isolated in the relationship, add some form of abuse or addiction, get the nonBP to doubt that they know what they think or feel, keep them hopping, wear them down, add in some sleep deprivation and what do you finally end up with? And eventually, the BPs negative predictions finally come true. Pretty clever. Pretty scary. All at the same time.
Being in a relationship of any kind with a BP can be so emotionally exhausting that some people find it's not worth the effort to sustain it. As the nonBP increases their emotional dependence on the BP, everything begins to feel normal because there is little to compare it to. And then the cycle of abuse is unending. It truly becomes a self serving relationship to the BP and one that is abusive.
Finally - and I am only one third through this book - BP behaviors include verbal abuse, perceived manipulation and defense mechanisms that destroy intimacy and trust. It becomes unsafe for the nonBP who can no longer trust that their deepest feelings and innermost thoughts will be treated with love, emotion or care.
So this also describes the unexplainable behavior of my dear friend. It is no wonder I wandered around in a state of confusion the past two months. I could never explain the irrationality. Sure - I work with people I love who have mental illnesses so I expect some irrational behavior. But this was unexplainable irrationality. No cause from my end. Just the need for Consistency for my anxiety. And that simply wasn't possible.
There is great comfort in knowing I was able to maintain my sanity. It has been a painful learning experience. But the more I dive in, the more I learn about the differences in mental illnesses. It increases both my awareness and my level of understanding and compassion. And for my need to maintain solid boundaries to stay safe. To protect my empathetic heart.  
I simply can't model recovery unless I am well. So in this learning, I intend to stay well.