did you read the previous post?

Well I thought the previous writing was quite wonderful in many ways. Most of us come from wounded places and certainly we carry these wounds forward no matter how much we feel we have addressed our inner pain. I see it clearly in myself. 
I have given the gift of time to clear these issues and I am making myself a promise to deal with them as best I can. I want to move forward in my relationships from the healthiest place I can be. Writing helps me clear a lot. But I have to put the words into more action.  I need to narrow down all of the things I do in my life to only a select few I can concentrate on so I can be fully present for myself. I need to honor me to be better for anyone including you. You can't give love if you don't hold love in your heart. I do disagree with the sex part however, because that isn't an addiction for me. It is the ultimate expression of love. In order for me to fully love, it is a huge part of the equation.
I am just laughing - I have the music so loud I didn't hear the phone ring and message. I love it when my body is fully involved in rhythm. Someday Wendy, you will have that fabulous drum set again.
So there it is.
I am listening to some beautiful Michael Jackson music - just an instrumental album of his. I love modern symphonic melodies for sure. I wish I had that level of talent to be able to create gorgeous prose. Interestingly enough, my mind can separate all the melody lines while they play so transposing this to manuscript would be easy. I do have music gifts I don't fully appreciate. I did buy some sheet music the other day to learn. I need to honor the need for more music into my life. So maybe some lessons. A new instrument of some sort. Maybe I'll finally learn to play my hammered dulcimer? It's more than time. 
Lots of music - dance music - rhythmic music - at my funeral. If I can preplan it - it is going to be one fabulous party and celebration. So loud it takes all the pain and suffering away. Hey Jen - we gotta get working on this honeybunch?!

Came upon this happenstance. It is really well written. Enjoy. Getting Love, Sharing Love By Dr. Margaret Paul December 31, 2006 Most people think that getting love is what fulfills. Others believe it is the giving of love. Yet the highest experience in life is the sharing of love, which we cannot do until we are loving ourselves.

The feeling of love is the very best feeling in the world, even better than sex or ice cream! The Bible states in 1 John 4:16 that "God is love." When our hearts are open, the love that is God comes into the physical body and fills us with the delicious feelings of joy and peace. Love is always available, as available as the air we breathe. Yet most people do not go through their days filled with love, joy and peace. Instead, they feel empty and alone, and often turn to various addictions (such as sex and ice cream) to fill the emptiness and aloneness.
One of the addictions many people turn to is the addiction of getting love from others. Coming from the belief that people, rather than God, are the source of love, they try in various ways to gain control over getting love from others. Through physical appearance, accomplishments, niceness, compliments, cuteness, being funny, threats, anger, irritation, and blame, people try to manipulate others into giving them the love, attention, and approval they need. Sometimes this works for the moment, but like food or sex, it is only for the moment. Trying to feel filled through others is an exhausting way to live.
Other people try to get filled through the giving of love. The problem here is that unless you are first bringing love into yourself and then sharing your love from a full place within, the giving of love becomes just another manipulation to get love. This is caretaking - giving to get. I can tell you from personal experience, since this was my major addiction, that caretaking does not to lead to feeling fill up with love, peace and joy. Rather, it leads to feeling drained, used and resentful, since rarely do others give back the love you hope for.
The highest experience in life with another person is the sharing of love. A circle of love is experienced when two or more people are sharing love from a full place within.
We are full of love within only when we have a spiritually-connected loving Adult who is intent on taking loving care of ourselves. When our intent is to take full personal responsibility for ourselves physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, organizationally, and relationally, then our Inner Child feels loved and safe inside. Our intent to support our own highest good opens the door to connection with Spirit and the love that is God fills our hearts and souls. This deeply peaceful and joyous feeling can then be shared with others whose hearts are also open to loving and learning.
The sharing of love is truly an amazing experience. It can happen in person or over the phone. It can happen in letters or email. Time and place are irrelevant - God as love is an energy that can be experienced from any distance. Each of us has the opportunity to be messengers of God when we do our inner work and become able to share love with others.
The wounded self in most people does not understand the vast difference between the getting of love and the sharing of love. Because getting a bit of love from someone feels good, the wounded self thinks that the best feelings come from getting love. Until you have the experience of bringing God-that-is-love into yourself, you do not realize that loving yourself brings far greater joy than getting love. And until you are loving yourself, you cannot experience the even greater joy of sharing love with others. There is no addiction - no drug, no food, no experience - that comes close to the incredible joy of feeling the love-that-is-God within and sharing that love with others.
If you have never had the experience of sharing love, you may not realize what you are missing. Sometimes it may seem hard to be motivated to keep doing your Inner Bonding work if you have never experienced the joy of loving yourself and sharing that love with others. I hope you keep in mind that only by doing your inner work will you ever be able to experience the greatest experience on the planet - the sharing of love!

boxes

It occurred to me quite by chance tonight that life is a series of boxes. I think I have mentioned in a previous blog that I felt as though I was being released from a box that had kept my feminine spirit locked up for many, many years. In unlocking that box, I feel freer and happier than I have in many years. But what just hit me is that I have stepped into a new box! This box has limitations to it as well where I cannot be free to be myself. I have a new set of rules. So in a strange sort of way, I have traded boxes or moved quietly back and forth from one box to another. I can't believe it myself.
So where is the open space I am looking for? Where is the freedom to be loved and cared for like I deserve? Does that exist? Or do I have to live in a box to for someone to love me?
Logic would tell me no Wend, you do not have to live in the confines of anything, most especially that which is outside of your control. I mean, if you want to live in a box, I guess that is a choice you make consciously or subconsciously. I am really sick of following rules to experience any kind of reciprocated love. On the other hand, I totally grasp the need for rules so that everything ends up on the best possible footing. Schizophrenic thinking again. Crazy making.
Shit. Why does it have to be so hard to figure this out? Because hearts and heads are different species. One uses logic. The other uses emotion. And guess which I operate from.
Baaaaaahhhhh
Well it would be the heart. And anyone who knows me knows that. It's all about love. Truly.
So now where does that put me? And how do I work this out in my head?
I need to go to bed. I can't think straight to even blog about it.

Everyday Grace - Marianne WIlliamson

One of my "spiritual gurus" is Marianne Williamson. Her book, Return to Love, helped me be more loving and compassionate to myself. It took me back from the brink of suicide in 1996. She is incredibly brilliant. And below is an exerpt of her writing about taking care of one's self.


According to A Course in Miracles, five minutes spent with God’s Spirit in the morning guarantees He will be in charge of our thought forms throughout the day. Each morning we can begin with spiritual confidence, surrendering to God’s will and praying that our eyes be opened to the miracles He has planned for us. Each day can be a glorious canvas painted by the hand of God, and we pray for eyes with which to see it.
Every morning, visualize and pray for divine right order: If you are a teacher, for instance, bear witness with your inner eye to an angel, or Jesus, or Buddha, wrapping his arms around every child in your class, then allow your mind to hold that image for five minutes or more. See God’s Light around your coworkers, your neighbors, your children, your spouse. Whatever it is you will be doing with your day – whatever your workplace or activity – consciously bless the people you’ll meet, as well as those you don’t even know. Remember to include those you don’t like as well as those you do. Allow yourself to imagine, while in a prayerful, meditative state, the life you most long to experience. Then bless that image, and surround it with light.
Now you can leave the house smiling, because you’ve placed your future in the hands of God. You’ve helped set the universe on a harmonious trajectory. Every day we have a chance to re-create life, for ourselves and others, reshaping our energies with the thoughts we think, just as we reshape our bodies with physical exercise. Bless the house in which you wake, and the people who also sleep there. Bless your city and your country and your world. Bless everyone you will meet today. Bless everyone else who is driving along the freeway with you. Ask that your mind be filled with light, that you might be a channel for God’s love. You cannot do this regularly in a committed way and feel like your life has no purpose. When you give love you will feel love. That is Law.
Some days are harder than others, to be sure. Perhaps some of your mornings have gone like this: "There is no way I can do this. I’m supposed to go to Chicago, and my daughter is having her dance recital tonight. If I can’t get home on the three o’clock flight, which I probably won’t because my meeting isn’t until one, then I will miss her recital and be a terrible parent."
Now commit this truth to memory: There is no problem that holiness will not solve. No matter what the problem is no matter how big or small, important or unimportant, you are entitled to a miracle because you are a child of God.

Using only our mortal minds, we have very little power to fix anything. The world is full of confusion, it is moving too fast, and the demands of parenthood, career, economics, and health are proving too stressful for almost everyone. But you’re equipped with more than just your mortal mind. Within each of us there is a divine mind, the Mind of God. It is always there, with no exception, to work whatever miracle is necessary to lift us above the limitations of the world.
In A Course in Miracles, it is written, "Prayer is the conduit of miracles." There is no prayer too big or too small that we should withhold it from God.
So try this instead, on such a morning: "Dear God, please give me a miracle. I don’t know how I’m going to go to Chicago and still get back to my daughter’s recital. This life is so full of stress, dear God. Please take my day and plan it for me. Thank you, God. Amen."
Everything in the universe is of concern to God, since He loves everything as one. If you’re too stressed, then you’re not fully alive, and your problem is therefore very much God’s business. If you’re not fully alive, then you’re not being who you were born to be or living the life you are meant to live. If you’re not living the life you are meant to live, then you’re not doing on this earth what you’re intended to do – you’re failing to take part in the unfolding drama of infinite good, which is the spirit of God. If you’re not being the parent you are capable of being, then another child is set up to fail. Why wouldn’t a loving God wish to correct that situation? We are told in A Course in Miracles that we do not ask God for too much, but for too little. Every need we have should be placed in His hands.
The moment a mistake – any deviation from love – occurs, a perfect, all-knowing God has already planned a correction. All we have to do is ask that it be revealed to us. "Dear God, please show me a miracle."
We take spiritual responsibility for our day when we pray that it be blessed. More than the way we look, more than the clothes in our closet, more than whether or not our papers are organized, this simple request – that our lives be reflections of an eternal love – releases us from the confines of yesterday and frees us to unlimited possibilities today. Every single morning we can receive from the universe an entirely new day, in every sense of the word. Our ego will screech, "Denial!" should we have the audacity to consider the possibility of a radically new life today. Yet that’s exactly what is available to us, and courage lies in claming it.
Every morning, consider doing this: Light a candle. Sit down. Close your eyes. Be with God.
There are many different prayer and meditation techniques, and they are all paths to God. It matters not which path we walk to Him, but only that we walk it. In whatever way suits you, talk to God.


Dear God,
I give you this morning.
Please take away
My despair of yesterday.
Help me to forgive the things
That caused me pain
And would keep me bound.
Help me to begin again.
Please bless my path
And illumine my mind.
I surrender to You
The day ahead.
Please bless every person
And situation
I will encounter.
Make me who You would have me be,
That I might do as You would have me do.
Please enter my heart
And remove all anger,
Fear and pain.
Renew my soul
And free my spirit.
Thank you, God,
For this day.
Amen.

richard

Richard George - my father's name. After his cousin who was killed by the branch of a falling tree and the King of England. My dad was born in 1926 - August 2nd. Same birthday as many of my friends. I get to celebrate his birthday with them every year.
Dad - I know you hear every word I say. Because you respond like a soft breeze across my face and you remain there always. Not in a physical way like people desire, but something strongly attached to my heartstrings. Lately, I have thought about you a lot and everything you went through with mom. How hard your life was and how you struggled. I am not going to make excuses for you dad. Because you wouldn't want me to do that. I certainly think you carried those old fashioned values a bit too far. I mean - why would you sacrifice happiness in life to hold an agreement that never worked for you? I am struggling to understand how you swallowed your pride. I am struggling with having lost you in 1993. And how at that time it seemed like such a victory for you to be able to release yourself and fly. You were so scared. And I held your hand. You squeezed my hand in a final good bye. I kissed you and your spirit gently lifted and rose away from me. And I remember smiling and sweetly saying goodbye and that I would love you forever. And I will, and I have, and I still do daddy.
We shared a lot together. I know it was inappropriate in many ways that I kind of became your best friend. A child should never know all that I knew about you,  my father. All your intimate secrets. In a strange way I felt honored but had no idea of the burden and what it would cost me physically and emotionally with your wife. She is still the same daddy. No change there. So choosing freedom was a smart choice for you.
I wonder where you are and if you think about me? Do you miss me like I do you? So hard to imagine. And so many years has passed since we said goodbye.
There are many sweet memories of the things you did to celebrate me in my life. You always stood up and cheered for me. You were proud of my accomplishments, truly. I must say I could count on you to celebrate every big event in my life. You loved the holidays. You loved to create that special magic that I continue to create to this day. Remember trying to convince me that Santa was out back? That was a difficult one to pull off with a 13 year old but you did it. It really has been a hard journey for me and I have worked really hard trying to rise above the difficulties my sensitive mind was bombarded with.
You know I have met a really special person who I have been sharing stories of you with. It is really lovely to feel your spirit in me moving through this person. The struggles are no different than yours but I am trying to relate your story to impart courage, self respect, joy and love - all things that left you when you could not make the one decision you so wanted to make. A handshake and a promise was enough to torment you for your entire life.
It makes me sad that you will never physically meet my daughter. You'd love her. She's really special. And she'd love you. Same with my friend. You'd find a kindred spirit there. And you'd get along well in the laughter department. Same kinds of joys and sadness you both feel. Total lack of love and loss of self respect in some ways. I am working hard in the empowering department and doing what I do best daddy. Love Love Love. You know. You used to say that all the time. She gives away that great big heart and someday someone will find you and appreciate it and love it like it deserves. Maybe that is coming for me. What do you think? I know you can see everything in a way I can't.
Life has been really scary for me daddy. Really scary. You used to be here to help me go through all the worst of the worst. Certainly you made some huge misjudgments where I was concerned but I do know that it was all from a loving and protective place.
I pray a lot about just wishing you back for a day. So you could meet the special people in my life. Hug them and whisper something wonderful in their ears about me. I know you remain proud of me despite my lack of pride in my accomplishments currently. Funny thing is - I have accomplished so much. Helps being smart. Helps that you always told me there was nothing I couldn't do. I am never afraid to go after things that might be difficult just to be happy.
Your life role modeled that for me. I go after happiness because I saw you have so little of it. And strangely enough, the sadness of watching your pain has made me fight for more for me. Because you always told me I deserved it. I won't give up until I find it daddy. I just won't.
So can I ask you a favor? Can you send a little luck and good fortune my way?  Can you hold me at night and rock me gently and tell me everything is going to be alright? Can you protect my friend and tell them they deserve a better life of love wrapping itself around them? Because I believe in it daddy. You told me if I wish it to be so and invest all of my best efforts into it, nothing can stop me from reaching my dreams come true. And I have always believed that. Help me make this happen for me in this lifetime. I really desire peace, love and laughter. And I feel I have finally found it at long last. Guide me and direct it into my arms for the rest of my life. Because it's all I want daddy. After that, everything else will fall into place easily. I know it.
You know daddy, I love you more than all the stars in the sky. I have never forgotten you - how could I? You're up there and there is incredible comfort in knowing you will be the first smile I greet when I make the journey to whatever is next. I miss you so much that sometimes my heart hurts. It would be amazing to just feel your safety and protection all around me again.

my mother's birthday

It is October 22nd - my mother's birthday. She's 84.  This should be a day I should be so excited to celebrate with her. But she has made that not so. However, I have loved my daughter so deeply and unconditionally that I know she will celebrate mine with me. And I look forward to many of them.
I think I have had this amazing gift of a daughter whom I love with all my heart and soul. And I have had this second chance at "mother". Amazing. I would die for her.
But my mother and I - well - it's a long story.
And I am going to write that story because it needs to be told to heal me. I deserve to be healed from the wounds of my childhood and be free to live and to love. Love is waiting for me. It is real. It is true. And I know it is out there for me if I can freely open my heart.
I will move through the anxiety to free myself from the fear of abandonment that cuts me to the core.
I am strong and I have gotten to this place struggling but surviving. And I will make it. I will. Because love surrounds me and is waiting for me. I know that. I feel that. I believe that. A little birdie told me so.
And God - Tonight I send you a prayer of special intention. Please send your light and love - your infinite strength and wisdom - your protection and care to my special friend. Because he really needs you and he needs to know we all see him on the path to great things. There is an abundant future of love and joy awaiting him once he frees himself from the bondage of pain and rage. Of being punished for being human. Surround him with love. Pure and sweet love. Whisper in his ear that I am behind him and proud of him. We all are. Whatever he does to improve his life and his self-esteem.
Time for a Xanax. I don't think I am sleeping tonight. Lots of relived painful memories. Lots of uncontrollable worry. No child should ever have to endure what I did.

for my daughter

This is the special lullaby for the greatest gift God has given me...
I found it on Olivia Newton John's album for babies and I sing this to her every night. How blessed I am to have this glorious gift in my life. (The little denim dress and red shirt is from Grama Ginger and the little red shoes - Dorothy from the WIzard of Oz type - are from her great Aunty Shirley.) Kami is exactly 3 months old in this photo taken in Coeur d'Alene when we visited Aunty Cindy. What a funny little face! You know - my wee Kami NEVER cried. She always laughed and giggled. How did I get so lucky? The happiest baby ever.

Mary Kamisha, four days old
How do you like the world so far
Mary Kamisha, four days old
What a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky girl you are

For you have swings to be swung on
Trees to be climbed up
Days to be young on
Toys you can wind up
Grass to be lying on
Sun up above
Pillows for crying on
When you're in love
Ponies for riding on
Wind in your hair 
Slides to be sliding on
Leaves in the air
Dolls to be caring for
Love to be giving
Dreams to be daring for
Long as you're living
Yes, you have dreams to be daring for
Long as you're living

Mary Kamisha, four days old
What a lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky girl you are

life on life's terms

I try to see every day as a new adventure. I love a great adventure. That hasn't changed much since I was a teenager. My aunt called this my Gemini twin - looking for trouble. She gets this from me being on the cusp of Taurus and Gemini on my birth chart. The grounded/slash/risk taker. As long as there is no bodily harm involved. I love to try new things, go new places and explore horizons unknown. I take risks and with risks come setbacks but ultimately a new adventure. Perhaps my sense of adventure gets me into troublesome situations. But it opens my eyes to a larger life perspective. And often I learn more about myself and more about what I am capable of doing. And then there is that pot at the end of the rainbow that this wee Irish girl is always searching for. Call it what you will, I just circle my surroundings looking for ways to make my life completely fulfilling. And I absolutely hate being bored. This may have something to do with my busy mind. Always challenging me to do more. Think more. Accomplish more.
There is still a part of me that considers going back to medical school and becoming a country doctor however I am too old to be accepted into medical school and this is completely unrealistic considering I have a young child. It is funny how my mind works. What can I do next? What's the next big challenge?
A relationship partner from years back once told me that the word he hated completely was content. He said if partners in a relationship were content, it meant it was doomed for failure. Because to him, it meant that there wasn't any effort being made to keep it alive, invigorated and exciting. The older I get the more I agree.
I don't walk on precipices looking to fall. I am more of a cautious risk taker. I need lots of encouragement and often the best guarantee I can get to give me the protection I need to take the risk. This has developed through my aging - I have more to lose and less time to make it up.
After accepting all of the potential consequences, it is a free fall into the adventure and everything that goes hand in hand with it.
I am excited for what my future holds. I believe I will be more lovingly fulfilled in my 50's and feel better about the direction of where my life will take me. It sounds like the greatest adventure is yet to unfold.  And that brings me promise and hope. 
There is only one thing that can hold me back and that is fear. Nothing in my life goes without fear. It is as though I hold fear in my hand everywhere I go. So I am going to work hard on the fear piece so it doesn't inhibit me from reaching my full potential. Harnessing the fear and using it as a positive in my life will most likely make all the difference in the world. So I must look for those techniques. I also am reminded that my life needs to be better balanced. Because balance will help me maintain my wellness. 
However, it is through love that I function fully and completely. It is that love centered personality of mine. Love for me is like the very air I breathe. If I feel loved, I can do so much. My energy increases and I accomplish so much more in every area of my life. 
So I am going to work hard to achieve a love centered, balanced life and fear free life. And I am going to try hard to stay the course knowing in my heart that this direction will serve me well. I will be happier and more joyful than I have ever been. It is whispering in my ear. 
It will all be as it should be. And exactly what I am meant to receive from the universe, I will get.

a lovely end to a lovely peaceful day

Really got to use my brains today. Paid bills. Washed the floors. Vacuumed the carpets. Did the laundry. Made a roast for dinner. Kami's favorite with mashed potatoes and gravy. Of course, I got the roast and green peas - diet and all you know.
It just never ends. The complete lack of respect and consideration for anything I do. Walk across the clean floors with dirty shoes. Nicely ask, please could you take those off - I spent all day cleaning the house. Blank stare. I get sworn at. Now it just goes in one ear and out the other.
Dinner on the table as soon as they get home. Couldn't time it any better. Both ate. Gary complained. It's beef!  All the while pouring gravy all over everything. Not that that would give you a stroke I wonder.
Why beef? I don't eat beef. I only eat blah blah blah. Because I had a stroke you know. Well - have some more gravy for Christ's sake.
I hand him the new cell bill. He negotiated the rates with AT&T. Oh yeah - and it's going to be less than what we pay with Verizon BTW. Well the fucking bill is $696.00!  He looks at me and starts screaming. That's exactly why I had him do it. I just look blank faced and tell him to call the person her spoke with. I told him to keep all the info. He says - "What name?" Jesus.
Then my daughter, whose room I immaculately cleaned 1 1/2 weeks ago asks for me to help her tidy her room. It is simply hanging up the laundry I did and putting her stuff away. She's 11 and capable of doing this herself. I cleaned her bathroom today. Changed the bedding. Did the laundry. Put her toys away.
You know - sometimes I wish I had a limitless AMEX card like I used to. I would be gone in a flash for a respite. There is simply no appreciation for anything.
Well - at least my daughter thanked me for dinner.
Can adults go on strike or run away from home I wonder?

roll the dice

I look around me at all I have worked for. None of it is worth anything anymore. A friend stopped by and we talked about what a gift it would be if the wealthy of this area would step up and pay off every mortgage under $300,000. Say that's 3000 houses. So $900,000,000. Yeah - that's a lot of money. But totally doable. There is A LOT of money here.
I know that that would be an incredibly generous gift. But make everyone sign a 5 year commitment clause to the valley to buy all necessities here. Sign a form that says you have to stay in the residence and keep it pristine.
So if someone did that, what kind of impact would that have on our local economy?  All of a sudden, people without mortgages would be eating out again. Buying supplies, clothing, belongings, being able to save money again. To qualify you'd have to make less than $100,000 and more than $50,000.
Guess what? I'd do it in a heartbeat if I had the cash. In a New York minute.
Can you just imagine what kind of changes that would make to this area? And what heros these people would be? In essence, they would save a dead community from collapsing under itself. Make people give 10% of their pay to non-profit causes so they would grow. Have people actually care about each other's well being again.
Yeah - it could sound a wee bit like a dictatorship. But it would have to come from a generous heart willing to give. The stipulations would be few but would create a big impact. And you'd have to completely let go of the outcome. Your giving heart would have to be generous to a fault.
I'd comply in a heartbeat to regain what I've lost. I am petrified I will be living on the street in my 80's simply because I choose to stay home and raise my child and be self employed. There are no rewards for that period of my life. There are no kudos for my contribution to this community in the form of care and compassion to me directly. Not to mention the cost of health care. The people in the country seem so driven to have everything they can for themselves with little regard as to how that impacts everyone else. And it really makes me sad. Because that is what brought down our economy. Pure greed. 
I guess I just have to pray they reincarnate these rich greedy people to live in sheer poverty wondering where their next meal will come from. Karma doesn't seem to be working in this situation. I have always worked my ass off and I have nothing to show for it anymore. And that infuriates me. I have gone out of my way to take care of people. And that doesn't count. It isn't worth any old age pension to take care of others or raise your child yourself. No tax breaks there.
Oh well. I just paid my bills. I will probably clear over $4,500.00 this month myself and where the fuck did it go? To an upside down house, medical bills, and insurance payments. It makes me sick. No savings. 
It's a set up to failure. Nothing like what I was taught to believe as a child. The harder you worked, the more you could make and succeed. Bullshit. And I won't be teaching my daughter those values because having a huge college loan to pay off while working at Starbucks is no way to have a life. Sorry. This has all completely been a delusion for me. And it has changed my values and how I think. I could care less about banks now. Creditors. Mortgage companies. Take it all. You can fucking have it. Because you haven't held up your end of the bargain with me. And a contract and handshake means a lot to me.
Sincerely I don't want any part of any of it anymore. Truly. I just want freedom from the responsibility of getting nothing for what I pay for. Because that is how it has all worked out for me. I have 15 years to make up what I have lost. Can I do it here? Hmmm. 
I'll wish myself the best of luck and pray I don't die from a stress related illness in the meantime.

Giggling Again For No Reason

This is me... driving up the California Coastline. Top down in my convertible.
The sun is setting. Gorgeous. And I am moving as fast as the accelerator will
take me.
Can't wait.

crickets and kids

It's actually quite nice to wake up to the soft sound of crickets. 6:30 AM. Check my messages (love my iPhone except it cuts itself off during calls at whim). 
Down the stairs I go. Turn on 95.3 full blast on the iHome in Jordie's bedroom. Turn the lights on softly in Pat's room. Walk up and kiss my daughter on the cheek and wish her a beautiful day. I get a lovely smile. Time to get up love. Walk to the other side of the California King. Pull the sheet down. Kiss Jordan on the cheek and wish her a wonderful day. 
Then I jump up on the bed and start dancing!
And surely after a few stop this and thats, up they get.
It's nerd day at school. So the girls dress in their Point O'Pines Team Sing clothing. Blue and white with white Ked shoes. Too cute.
Off to make them breakfast. I take the dessert I hoped to serve for lunch yesterday, make Belgian Waffles, cover them with raspberries and drizzle chocolate on top with a dab of whipped cream. They were excited! The dishes go to the sink and the iPod starts to play "September" by Earth Wind and Fire. So off we break into a great dance in front of the kitchen window. Bumping back and forth. I could see us in the reflection and we were all having this great time laughing and dancing like little kids. What a great snapshot. Made my morning! I love this job. The laughter and giggles make me feel so good.
And while one dog tries to eat the other, off they go to school.
Then back they come 10 minutes later. Seems Jordan forgot her flashdrive and craft project. Well the craft project was easy to find. The flashdrive? Hmmmm. Frenetic. Gary (his manic self) in car.
Tore the house apart for 20 minutes. Poor Jordan. I asked Kami to bring Jordie's backpack into the house. And guess what? Searching slowly and carefully, I found it.
That's what moms do.
Hugs, I love yous and out the door.
Ahhhh - the joy of being a mommy. And solving the problem of the day.

chchchchanges...

Life seems to be evolving all the time. Especially for me. I received this amazing gift this year. Now at first I thought why would I want this gift? I don't want to be shaken, stirred, awakened - the long slumber of day to day living has been fine. I have existed. I have been able to work. Concentrate. Sleep. Love. Give. Everything everyone else does. Be a great mom.
Well I am still that same person in every way.
However a large part of me I thought had died has been shaken awake. Like coming alive - feeling again - like a long comatose period has ended.
It has caused me to spend time reevaluating my life. My goals. My dreams. And it is almost like receiving a jolt - or rather, a strong shock to my system, because things I never noticed before have come alive and I feel different. I am invigorated and excited. But I am also frightened and scared. Because I don't know where these feelings will lead me. Every step in life is a risk and I am a risk taker. I just am petrified and I think it is natural to feel this way. The interesting part is being able to let go and let God. To just breathe and roll with it. Face it every single day as the day comes. To let go of the anxiety of the what ifs. What if this? What if that? It WILL be alright.
I pray about it. 
So much has happened these last two years to my family. We have basically lost everything. Terrible. I think we have all thrown our hands up and simply try to exist in the chaos of what once was our lives. Broken dreams, barking, fighting, forgetting what matters. It has been very unhappy for everyone as we pretend to continue as if nothing earth shattering has happened to our lives. The casualties are everywhere. To just keep our sanity has been a gift.
I do love challenges but not when they involve my future and my heart. And I don't feel like gambling with our lives this go around. My daughter needs me to be stable. So I am moving slowly, building confidence and finding the time I need to think every step through. I realize I can't know what is ahead of me - but assuredly - it can be wonderful. And I will say this, I deserve it.

I just want to add that the gift of today is the release of the miners in Chile. What a miracle that these men are back in the embrace of the people who love them. Praise God.

sweetheart...

Well my darling daughter, it has been an exhausting day. You have really done me proud - this morning was an absolute delight! The constant talking on the way to church - just giggling and sharing. It is really a delight to hear you comment on things going on at your school; your discernment of right and wrong and the consequences of bad choices. I really think you have a solid foundation there that will come in handy when you have to make tough decisions for yourself. I think I told you once that any one wrong choice can change your life forever. So being able to see what is indeed the best choice for you will serve you well. Trust me, sometimes it is really hard to know what is the right fork in the road to take because we don't always know what awaits us around the turn. It can be exciting to make that decision - or sometimes even difficult. But certainly you are accumulating the tools that you need as you grow to make the right choices for yourself.  I am really proud of you. And I feel honored to be your mama.
What a great job you did altar serving after all this time. I think it's interesting that you were the one who pushed me into looking for a church. And here we are. Now that you are growing up, I can see that some of the basic tenets of the religion of your choice will not align with what you are learning by osmosis from me and what you are stating from your heart. So I expect to see some changes there and it makes me very interested to see where you go with this. And we discussed some of that today. 
You are way too grown up Kami. Is that because I have always been so honest and forthcoming with information in anything you have ever asked me about? I grieve sometimes for that little toddler who has left me so fast. However, I am in awe of who you are becoming and it really has been the journey of my life watching you walk through these childhood life experiences. What will you do? Who will you eventually become? I am excited to turn the pages of time as they unfold before me.
Everything I do for you sweetheart comes from of place of great love. I am guided by my heart - and my head. And from a love centered place. There is nothing more difficult than trying to make the right decisions that you realize will impact the life of your child in so many ways. I don't profess to know the answers. I feel blind, tapping away in the darkness with my cane. Constantly afraid to make any mistakes that will impact your life forever. So all I ask is that you take a breath, be patient and fair, hold my hand and I will do my best to guide you on the path I think is best for you. If I see that I need to alter my course, my sacrifice will always be for you. Because when I became a parent, you became more important than anything I ever wanted in my life. I made choices different than I ever had. And I will do that until you are free and able to make good, sound decisions for yourself.
Congratulations on your Cinnamon n' Sugar up opening with Ellie! What an amazing launch for your new business. I could see you working hard, excited about the possibilities doing something you really love and making money at it. My little entrepreneur. I am inspired to try harder every time I see you take a chance at a new accomplishment. You really made me smile last night. Awesome job Pooter! I am endlessly proud of you.
And - I love you more than all the stars in the sky. That is endless my darling. Forever. And ever. And ever.

100 Years - 100th Post

Every day's a new day. 
100 Smiles, 100 Tears. Life is full of surprizes. Every corner has another fork in the road.
Which one should any of us take? I thought this was a fitting song for my 100th blogpost.
To all you who are walking this journey of life with me, I have so much gratitude.
Your love letters and support are endearing and I know, just like you, we'll all eventually find that pot of gold at the end of our rainbow. Remember, it's all about love.
xox

the power of love on a difficult road

Lately, I have been surrounded by the love of amazing friendships in my life and I have to say that this love has helped feed the empty bowl of confidence I have chosen to ignore for a long time. The love has come to hold me gently on some pretty dark days where I have felt the struggle is harder than the goals I had set out to achieve. And this love is real. It isn't something I take lightly or for granted.
You see, I advocate for something that isn't glamorous. For something people would rather sweep under the carpet. For a cause that affects over 55% of the population in total but no one wishes to talk about. And I am one of those people. I have generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, PTSD and at one time a dissociative disorder. All of these qualify me as someone with mental illness. But that is limiting. And I am not limited by labels. I simply have a physical disorder of the brain.
I am not ashamed to align myself with these fine, warm and loving people. They are all functioning as well as anyone who has to live with a difficult diagnosis. Because on some level, I believe that there isn't a soul walking this planet that doesn't at one time or another suffer from a physical disease of the brain. I can't even count how many of my friends have depression. Another very common mental illness.
To begin with, having a mental illness is certainly chronic and can be equal to any life altering physical challenge like diabetes or cancer. The fight is difficult, made even more so by ignorance, fear and stigma. When you have cancer, the sympathy dam breaks open and you are surrounded by compassion, love and support. Not so for someone who gets diagnosed with mental illness. In fact, it is one of the most frightening events a person can face in their lifetime. Because of the way we treat people who have it. And treatment it is often a series of drug hit and misses before one can feel like they are back to their old selves. So you had better have insurance because it is a long and expensive journey.
Movies about so called "crazy" people, Hollywood in general and the well documented lack of care given to those with mental illness in days gone by continues to do great disservice to all of the progress that has been made. Consequently, when people receive a diagnosis, it is cataclysmic because it illicits so much fear that people feel overwhelmed simply having to process the changes that may come to their lives. How will I be viewed? How will people treat me? It simply takes the energy needed to regain health and wellness and focuses it on what should be unimportant when really we should love each other despite our shortcomings.
Mental Illness is treatable. As a matter of fact, you probably know many people personally who have a mental health diagnosis - but they may never have shared it with you because of the stigma and fear of what YOU may think of THEM. I could easily compare it to coming out of the closet for someone who is gay. 
Such an unfair illness simply by name. But those with it don't want to be victims. They want to be treated with the same love and respect due any human being struggling to get through the day on this planet. So do yourself a favor, read up on it. Study it. Because it will occur in your family or maybe to you. Life isn't easy. And having to get through the day with the heaviness of this kind of diagnosis makes it harder.
So back to my friends. I admire them with all I am. I am in awe of their struggles and their desire to empower others back to wellness. They are strong and dedicated. And how blessed I am to be one of them in every way.

work, money, work, money....

You know - I just love to write. I am really not sure why but it feels like the purest form of expression for me. I can say how I feel and know I have laid my heart out on my sleeve. And maybe someone will see how I feel and say, gee - I feel that same way.
I am struggling a lot because I am trying to understand all these new things going on in my life. To their credit, they have been amazingly positive. I am happy, filled with hope and wonder and truly, the joy of possibilities again. I think a lot of this comes from the empowerment I am getting from friends who wish me to soar high into the sky and go for what is new and exciting and achievable in my life. And they want to join me on that journey because it empowers them also.
It isn't without lots of risks - most especially my familial - my beautifully delicious child. I am exploring traveling for work and am not sure about how to make this work quite yet. The financial pressure is so difficult for me not to mention that I have no set purpose or passion in my life that pays me enough to support myself well. I fill my passion with people whose lives are already full so why in the world would they care to want me hanging around making them nervous? I am just saying that life has it's course, and with everything we've lost collectively - well actually - I have completely lost my stability, my self esteem, my retirement and my drive to succeed (almost) - I think it would be quite empowering to make serious changes in my life. A friend I know makes a lot of money at a job he is good at. I look at that and think, that could be me. Why isn't that me? I'm smart. I used to make that kind of money. It bought me a lot of freedom. And I am 49 and only have so much time left. Is that really true? What is true? But then I think of the importance of the sacrifices I have made for my daughter, My husband never respected those choices and I had to fight to stay home with her. And now I am theoretically to blame for everything that has happened to us financially even though I brought in all the financial stability into this marriage. It is as though my ceasing to work made me an easy target for the rage of the losses we incurred that came during the economic crash.
Doesn't anyone believe that I do feel somewhat responsible for that? If you live under that kind of pressure you do come to believe you are at fault. It is only natural. So now - I feel this pressure to get out and make a lot of money. After all. I once carried our house 150 fold. What is so wrong with me that I can't do that now? It is said in hushed words but never aloud.
Where do I go with this? Do I just slam the market with resumes? I tried to carry two homes before and it was way beyond the moon for expenses. Doable but stupid. And now my friend Pat, who has been pounding the pavement for work for a long time finally got a job in New York. Let me just say that I am envious completely and naturally very proud of her. It was a big decision for her to do but she is able to it and it shows me that, yes.... it can be done.
Well - only time will tell. I am not holding my breath but there are a couple of avenues I can explore. And I think it is time to do that. Sitting here waiting for someone to make my dreams come true is really unfair to them. And they aren't in the place to make that happen, nor am I a priority in that regard. It just is what it is so I think I will just follow the forward momentum and see what happens. Hmmmm. Maybe it is time to go back to Canada? Maybe that job lead is worth fighting for?

for all of you who like gentle lullings to sleep.

Took the sleeping pill. Lit a candle. Said my prayers. Had a warm bath. Brushed my teeth. Took my hair down. Swallowed my vitamins. Turned the sleep button on my iNotes to low volume jazz. Checked my iPhone for any last messages. Turned the sound off. Anticipated the moment my naked body would hit the cold sheets. Hmmmm. I love cold sheets and a down comforter in a cold room. 
Crawled in. Slid my flannel pillow between my legs. Got comfortable.
I shut my eyes.


Gary barks at me, "so listen - what cable stations do you want from Cox?"


I reply, "I highlighted the channels that Kami and I watch. As long as those are included, we will be happy."


Gary shouts - "WELL YOU PICKED THE MOST EXPENSIVE GODDAMN CHANNELS ON THIER PLAN. AND THEN A DVR AND THEN THEY CHARGE BLAH BLAH BLAH FOR HOOK-UP. I CAN'T SEE HOW THIS IS CHEAPER THAN DIRECT TV. I KNOW YOU SAID THEY OFFER DEALS IF YOU SWITCH BUT I DON'T SEE ANY DEALS HERE. I KNOW IT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ALREADY HAVE."


Now remember I have researched all of this already. I am simply asking him to complete a task.

"Well just let it go Gary. I will take care of it tomorrow, OK."


Gary shouts - "WHY IS IT YOU THINK I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING. WHY DO YOU THINK I AM AN IDIOT? WHAT IS THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?"


OK - This is really just a small example of what I endure every day here. I think this stroke has affected the rational part of his brain. He simply escalates for no reason. So I post this only so those of you who know him well can see the change in his behavior. I think I need to call the neurologist and get a scan. This isn't the Gary I have known for years. 


I know - you all know, I can be pretty stubborn and don't mix words. So I had to end the conversation before I left the house. The next would be me.


"GARY, NO ONE SAID YOU WERE STUPID. CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I AM TRYING TO CALM MYSELF DOWN HERE TO TRY TO GO TO SLEEP? WHY NOW? AND STOP YELLING FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. YOU WANT ME TO MOVE OUT TO GET SOME SLEEP?"


Gary responds still yelling - 
"NO I DON'T WANT YOU TO MOVE OUT. IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT STATIONS I PICK THEN JUST GO TO SLEEP."


So I did. And so this is my life. Are all married couples like this? 
Oh - and I slept like a baby.

so - this is really unbelievable

My darling beautiful child says to me tonight - mama - I know you went walk running with your friends last week. Can I help you get better at it? I just finished my halibut for dinner with green beans and a salad and I thought... hmmm. I wonder. So I put on my little nylon shorts and shirt, my running shoes and said, "OK - let's go around the subdivision. However, know this. I do not run. I only walk and then a little jog." SO off we went. I started jogging. My knees didn't hurt (they always hurt). So I kept jogging.
Well - here is what is completely unbelievable. I made it all the way around jogging. I didn't stop. Of course, seriously, she ran circles around me and laughed and encouraged me to keep going. It was so much fun. Really.
Now here's the deal. I don't get that high you exercise maniacs get. I simply do not have that endorphine high and have been tested for it. However, I kept going and I feel fabulous for finishing. I didn't get sick (my mother always told me I could never run). And I am sitting here writing about it like I just finished a marathon because it really feels that good.
Thank you sweet girl. I think we may have to do this EVERY night!
Oh - and I am down 15 now. Awesome for me. It's amazing what love can do when you feel it. 
Time for a shower.

smells like teen spirit

I gotta tell you that I do love this song. I can't tell you quite why - I think it is because it represents the music my parents hated to listen to when I was a kid - playing it endlessly. However, I think they were able to understand the lyrics, kind of.
What makes this sound so cool to me, is you can't understand a word Kurt Cobain is saying. Drunk or sober, none of it makes a lick of sense to me. I have read the lyrics. They are odd enough. I do like the albino mosquito part... the melody line is great. The song really does wrap itself around you in a rock and roll kind of way. A bit haunting and certainly a great teenage party song. I think the escalation of Kobain to where he sings hello endlessly and then starts screaming really speaks to the hormonal spurt teenagers go through  - this is a stretch because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking ahout - but that I WANNA GROW UP NOW kind of angst. Hello! Like we've all been there. And wanted to scream at our parents. Fools that they were. (Not really - just have heard to much Cobain over the last few days!)
Stupid and contageous. Here we now. Entertain us. Sounds like my kid!

it's a new dawn. it's a new day, and i feel good...

I have a lot on my shoulders now. So much to do. And it is exciting and overwhelming all at the same time.
Sometimes it feels like my life should be a breeze. I mean, I do all I can to follow the golden rule. Some of the challenges I face simply come from the assumption that everyone plays by the same rules. Not true. And each time it happens, I am forced to face it again and again. It gets really hard when you genuinely wish to work things out. 
One thing about me - I don't walk away from situations. I want to solve them at the moment they occur. I do not like walking away without some form of truce or peace. This comes from my father being so incredibly stubborn that he would table discussions that he was losing until he hoped they would disappear. Of course, that stuff just builds up inside of you and causes you incredible angst and pain.
"This topic is no longer up for discussion." I absolutely abhor that statement.
In this situation I had to face, I was not given the reason nor the opportunity to refute. It is the most unusual one I have ever been presented. So I held firm to my belief of broken trust and fidelity however I expressed kindly my desire to resolve it. Unfortunately it was not meant to be. And that is life.
So the best news of all of this, despite my human empathy, is that it is finally over and I can move forward and let it go. Hopefully this will allow me to refocus on what I am passionate about and get going. So that is the good news for sure! I do love what I do and the people I work with. They are the blessings in my life and they have seen the dedication, love and respect that I have shown them as my equal. There are not enough words to feel like I have fallen into the big fireman's rescue net and survived intact.
So to all of you - I love my peers. Stay strong and remember I am here for all of you with a great big open and loving heart. And I mean that.