My beautiful baby brother is getting married tomorrow. I love him so much. And he has waited a long time to get married. I wanted to be there with him. Of all times to not have two nickels to rub together to get up to Canada and be with him and his bride Michelle. I think it is weighing heavily on me because I am very sad about it.
Randy and I were both given up for adoption by our birth mother when we were born. My birth mother never told me about my siblings. I guess she felt ashamed. But when she learned of the province opening up all adoption records and that I had located my two brothers (and later two sisters), she was furious. She told me I had to make a choice. Between him (my siblings) or her. I couldn't understand this request. I had never had a brother before. I dreamt of having one someday always knowing it could never be possible. How could I let my little brother go? Not a chance. So she told me we could only be friends (which also did not make sense because I thought we were) and I haven't heard from her since. That was well over 5 years ago. I guess 20 years of relationship was easy for her to throw away not to mention the fact that she had withheld information, in essence lied to me, for that long. At least I was truthful with her when I found them. I like honest relationships. No lies. No stories.
Randy and I have shared similar painful experiences in our youth. Both alone feeling abandoned. Both having to raise our own parents in a strange way. Both feeling completely alone with nothing familiar around us to make us feel like we belonged. Meeting each other made all that so much more clear. We had each other finally and it just seemed to make everything right. There was a reason we were born. And we were perfect and enough - exactly the way we are.
There is truly nothing like meeting someone who looks like you, smells like you, acts like you, laughs like you - IS you! - in the male form. Randy is my brother without the moustache in the photo FYI...
I remember our first night of meeting just like it was yesterday. We went for a drive in SW Calgary in a convertible I had rented. The top was down and we both held each other and looked up at the stars. It was like this amazing gift was given to us both from God. I had never felt so connected to anyone or anything in my entire life. The moment was perfect and I will cherish it for ever. Magical. I had family. A real live blood relative who was my match in this great big scary world. It was the safest I'd felt in my entire life. Protected. Secure. I'd never be alone or feel alone again.
And now I will miss this, the most important day of his life. How do you think that makes me feel? I am having such a hard time with it. I am in a lot of pain over it. It makes me incredibly sad inside. My life's mantra is all about love. Sharing love. Giving love. Being all about love.
And I cannot be there for this moment of love. To be present as he confesses his love. I have missed all the significant events of his life. Certainly not by my doing. Just because of this situation we have found ourselves in.
How can life be this unfair? I am entitled to feel sad about this. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the moments in his life that I have missed. Not intentionally but because I never even knew he existed. Why did my birth mother take away my right to know my brother when he was younger? I'll never know. Perhaps I could have entered his life at a time when I could have really made a difference. Could I have boosted his esteem and shown him a path of clarity so he wouldn't have to feel so invalidated? I'll never know. So many what ifs. And I really needed him too. But I didn't know he was even there.
Truth is - it simply is what it is. I love him in this - the here and now. Being away is hard. He knows why. I know he is hurt. But I can't change my personal reality. I can't make something happen that can't for me. And I have to quit beating myself up over it because it is out of my hands. It is in God's hands.
I wrote him a long letter. Told him how proud I am of him. Told him just how very much I love him. And that I will pause during the wedding, look up into the sky and give he and his new bride my blessings for love, joy, contentment and peace as they move through life on their exciting new journey.
Randy - you will never know how much being your sister means to me. And you will never know how much I wanted you. How much I prayed for a brother just like you.
Happy wonderful life dear sweet little boy. I miss you and love you terribly. Have an amazingly wonderful day tomorrow. And know you are both held in esteem and with much love and gratitude.
Time for some tears now... xox
It has been a long while since I have written. I really miss blogging - I think it keeps me in a good space emotionally just to write. It creates a balance in my life of both the wonderful and the dreadful. And it simply feels good to get everything off your chest.
My life is basically good in every which way. I have a loving family - a beautiful child and husband whom I adore. I have my health although truly it would be great to lose a few pounds (what woman doesn't think that way right?). However, my body is strong and works fabulously. I love my work and advocacy projects, all which I truly believe have done just a wee bit better with my heart, soul and effort. Of course, there is never enough time in the day to get everything done. However, lately something feels like it is missing and I can't pinpoint what it is.
I advocate very strongly for mental health awareness and issues in our community. People here have suffered greatly with the economic collapse. Our priorities as a country were focused elsewhere instead of on our own citizens who have suffered enormous losses - most of which exist in middle class communities like the people whom I live amongst. There have been 7 completed suicides in 8 weeks and many more unsuccessful attempts and it is taking a toll on this area is such a large way that is unexplainable. Many of these families were losing benefits, homes, jobs and small children have been left without their parents. It is horrific. They are closing our local health and welfare office due to state budget cuts which will hurt the people it serves enormously. Who will drive two hours when they have no money or car to get there? The only good news is that it is springtime so the snow is clearing and families who have lost their homes can live much easier in our mountain campgrounds. Winter is horrible when there isn't a homeless shelter for miles.
Perhaps I take too much of this on my shoulders. I feel like I carry the weight of the world sometimes as I listen endlessly to the stories of loss, sadness and tragedy. It is something I do because I want to be that ear in times of such grief and it is part of my job. However, it seems to be taking it's toll on me emotionally. I find myself grieving for something I don't recognize. The hurt translates into more and more tears and I am concerned about it because it isn't my personal grief. Not that I haven't experienced my own losses this year because I really have. However, I feel as though I have grieved my way through them and come to a resolve that is healthy. I am ready to move forward. The stroke my husband had has been difficult for our family. While he is almost fully recovered, I often notice he forgets things or isn't really hearing what I am saying and it frustrates me. I know it isn't him at all however I am not sure how to work on it with him without creating alarm. I simply want things to be the way they were 3 years ago when we were almost completely caught up from our financially devastating move from Canada. Life looked so much more promising then.
My husband has never felt completely fulfilled with his career and I have encouraged him from every angle to create the change he might wish for to make a move that may make him happier. However, he lacks the courage to change anything. So it is as if I am stuck with this attitude of him never feeling completely fulfilled with his life. I realize it has nothing to do with me but being the type of person that has always put my energy into seeing the happiness of others, it does wear me down. I can't blame him at all for any of this because we are all responsible for our own happiness. I am simply a go getter and we are not going anywhere fast while he continues his struggle to discover what over the past 20 years holds him back. Snap out of it already don't you think?
I need goals and a direction to go from here. And I am afraid to take those steps without consultation from him because I truly don't know what's going to work for him as he struggles with his work and his wellness. The beauty of our partnership is that it really doesn't matter on some level because it doesn't change our love and friendship. But I can't spin my wheels without a sense of direction.
Love and partnerships are difficult. I have lost the vision of my future goals due to this economic downturn. I feel sometimes as if they are now unachievable so I look for a similar, scaled down but satisfactory vision of my future. And I get so scared of losing Gary because then what would I do? I guess I would go on but I don't want to be without my life partner. I am much too young to be facing this now. One hand in childhood with Kami and the other in the social security age of my husband. I am not even 50 yet but I feel so old sometimes. I don't want to deal with these grown up issues. I just want to go back to when I could believe that things can be secure and safe. Is that to much to ask?
Will it ever be that way again?
My beautiful baby brother is getting married tomorrow. I love him so much. And he has waited a long time to get married. I wanted to be there with him. Of all times to not have two nickels to rub together to get up to Canada and be with him and his bride Michelle. I think it is weighing heavily on me because I am very sad about it.
