work, money, work, money....

You know - I just love to write. I am really not sure why but it feels like the purest form of expression for me. I can say how I feel and know I have laid my heart out on my sleeve. And maybe someone will see how I feel and say, gee - I feel that same way.
I am struggling a lot because I am trying to understand all these new things going on in my life. To their credit, they have been amazingly positive. I am happy, filled with hope and wonder and truly, the joy of possibilities again. I think a lot of this comes from the empowerment I am getting from friends who wish me to soar high into the sky and go for what is new and exciting and achievable in my life. And they want to join me on that journey because it empowers them also.
It isn't without lots of risks - most especially my familial - my beautifully delicious child. I am exploring traveling for work and am not sure about how to make this work quite yet. The financial pressure is so difficult for me not to mention that I have no set purpose or passion in my life that pays me enough to support myself well. I fill my passion with people whose lives are already full so why in the world would they care to want me hanging around making them nervous? I am just saying that life has it's course, and with everything we've lost collectively - well actually - I have completely lost my stability, my self esteem, my retirement and my drive to succeed (almost) - I think it would be quite empowering to make serious changes in my life. A friend I know makes a lot of money at a job he is good at. I look at that and think, that could be me. Why isn't that me? I'm smart. I used to make that kind of money. It bought me a lot of freedom. And I am 49 and only have so much time left. Is that really true? What is true? But then I think of the importance of the sacrifices I have made for my daughter, My husband never respected those choices and I had to fight to stay home with her. And now I am theoretically to blame for everything that has happened to us financially even though I brought in all the financial stability into this marriage. It is as though my ceasing to work made me an easy target for the rage of the losses we incurred that came during the economic crash.
Doesn't anyone believe that I do feel somewhat responsible for that? If you live under that kind of pressure you do come to believe you are at fault. It is only natural. So now - I feel this pressure to get out and make a lot of money. After all. I once carried our house 150 fold. What is so wrong with me that I can't do that now? It is said in hushed words but never aloud.
Where do I go with this? Do I just slam the market with resumes? I tried to carry two homes before and it was way beyond the moon for expenses. Doable but stupid. And now my friend Pat, who has been pounding the pavement for work for a long time finally got a job in New York. Let me just say that I am envious completely and naturally very proud of her. It was a big decision for her to do but she is able to it and it shows me that, yes.... it can be done.
Well - only time will tell. I am not holding my breath but there are a couple of avenues I can explore. And I think it is time to do that. Sitting here waiting for someone to make my dreams come true is really unfair to them. And they aren't in the place to make that happen, nor am I a priority in that regard. It just is what it is so I think I will just follow the forward momentum and see what happens. Hmmmm. Maybe it is time to go back to Canada? Maybe that job lead is worth fighting for?