chchchchanges...

Life seems to be evolving all the time. Especially for me. I received this amazing gift this year. Now at first I thought why would I want this gift? I don't want to be shaken, stirred, awakened - the long slumber of day to day living has been fine. I have existed. I have been able to work. Concentrate. Sleep. Love. Give. Everything everyone else does. Be a great mom.
Well I am still that same person in every way.
However a large part of me I thought had died has been shaken awake. Like coming alive - feeling again - like a long comatose period has ended.
It has caused me to spend time reevaluating my life. My goals. My dreams. And it is almost like receiving a jolt - or rather, a strong shock to my system, because things I never noticed before have come alive and I feel different. I am invigorated and excited. But I am also frightened and scared. Because I don't know where these feelings will lead me. Every step in life is a risk and I am a risk taker. I just am petrified and I think it is natural to feel this way. The interesting part is being able to let go and let God. To just breathe and roll with it. Face it every single day as the day comes. To let go of the anxiety of the what ifs. What if this? What if that? It WILL be alright.
I pray about it. 
So much has happened these last two years to my family. We have basically lost everything. Terrible. I think we have all thrown our hands up and simply try to exist in the chaos of what once was our lives. Broken dreams, barking, fighting, forgetting what matters. It has been very unhappy for everyone as we pretend to continue as if nothing earth shattering has happened to our lives. The casualties are everywhere. To just keep our sanity has been a gift.
I do love challenges but not when they involve my future and my heart. And I don't feel like gambling with our lives this go around. My daughter needs me to be stable. So I am moving slowly, building confidence and finding the time I need to think every step through. I realize I can't know what is ahead of me - but assuredly - it can be wonderful. And I will say this, I deserve it.

I just want to add that the gift of today is the release of the miners in Chile. What a miracle that these men are back in the embrace of the people who love them. Praise God.