Father's Day +1

I think of my daddy a lot. I miss him. I guess I never thought after 16 years, that I would miss him more than the day he died. As a so called "grown-up" - I hear his words most often when I am afraid or scared. Paralyzed to move or take another step. Those moments when I really need someone to tell me I can do anything I put my mind and energy to... That I am safe and he will protect me from harm, hurt and pain... That nothing bad will ever happen to me... That he will always be there... His voice becomes clear in my mind and then his loss becomes painful and I wish we could hold each other for a few more moments alone. It would be such a gift to hear them again.
My beliefs include the knowing in my heart that we will see each other again. For that, I feel sure. However life on this earth can be so trying and difficult. I grow up but feel as though I haven't grown up. I want my dad to hold my daughter. To love her as I know he really would. She has no grampa. And that makes me very sad.
My father is around me all the time. I dream of him and I feel our relationship is so much stronger after the last three weeks we got to spend honestly and openly together. A lot of words, feelings and emotions were exchanged and I am forever grateful for the time we were given. It gave me closure to painful memories and renewed the gratitude of love that he was able to share with me. He was proud of me, despite how I felt about myself. He was hard on me, but only so that I would try as hard as I could. I guess you could say I was the son he never had, all wrapped up in a girl package that was a tough one for him to understand. But he grew to respect that. One of his greatest imparted lessons was that being a woman never made a difference in a man's world. "You want it? Then you go get it!"
One of the best memories I have of him is when I received top marks in my Grade 5 class. My mom never came to my events so dad would take time off work and come to everything. I wasn't expecting him. They called my name and I went to the stage, shook my teacher's hand and turned to the audience. I saw my father on the right - he stood up, clasped his hands like a sign of bravo and raised them high in the air. Then I heard his voice over the applause - "Way to go Wendy! Way to go!!" He never felt foolish for a moment. He stood out from the crowd and made me feel so special. And I hold that in my heart to this day. I did feel loved and special. I'd made him proud.
When he was going through his death process, he told me he was so afraid I would forget him. I think we all need to believe that our lives have value and that we have left some sort of mark or impression on those we love dearly. I told him that he would never be forgotten and that I would be sure he felt my gratitude in all my special moments, for showing me how to strong and understanding. Loving and forgiving. Grateful, honest, caring and true. To look out for the less fortunate always before myself.
Now that I look at my daughter, I can see the greatest gift you can give your parent is to model their best qualities so that in their memory, you are an example of the best they ever could be. In that way, you are their gift to the world and it goes on and on.
And so it goes. And so it goes.