stop pressurin' me

Tired of injustice
Tired of the schemes
The lies are disgusting
So what does it mean
Kicking me down
I got to get up
As jacked as it sounds
The whole system sucks

Peek in the shadow
Come into the light
You tell me I’m wrong
Then you better prove you’re right
You’re sellin’ out souls but
I care about mine
I’ve got to get stronger
And I won’t give up the fight

With such confusions don’t it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin’ victimize within the scheme
You try to cope with every lie they scrutinize
Somebody please have mercy
’cause I just can’t take it
Stop pressurin’ me
Just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me
Make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin’ me
Just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me
Make you just wanna scream

Tired of you tellin’ the story your way
It’s causin’ confusion
You think it’s okay

You keep changin’ the rules
While I keep playin’ the game
I can’t take it much longer
I think I might go insane

With such confusion don’t it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin’ victimize within the scheme
You find your pleasure scandalizin’ every lie
Oh father, please have mercy ’cause I just can’t take it
Stop pressurin’ me
Just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me
Make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin’ me
Just stop pressurin’ me
Stop fuckin’ with me
Make me wanna scream

"oh my god, can’t believe what I saw
As I turned on the tv this evening
I was disgusted by all the injustice
All the injustice"
"all the injustice"

"a man has been brutally beaten to death by
Police after being wrongly identified as a
Robbery suspect. the man was
An 18 year old black male..."

With such collusions don’t it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin’ victimize within the scheme
You try to cope with every lie they scrutinize
Oh brother please have mercy’cause I just can’t take it
Stop pressurin’ me just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin’ me just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin’ me just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin’ me just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me make me wanna scream 

Sara Smile

Love Daryl Hall. Just do. Wish I had that much talent. I love watching people play. Just jamming. This is from "Live from Daryl's House" - he jams with other musicians at his home and streamlinks the performances. 
Sara Smile - the song the girl wants her guy to sing to her. Love it. Clean simple lyrics.
Wendy's smiliing... :)

i want to know what love is

Gosh - I was just listening to Ambrosia - How Much I Feel. Great song. Then up popped Foreigner.
Now, being a girl of the late 70's & early 80's, Foreigner was at one time quite a popular band. I think some of their contemporaries were the Doobie Brothers, Fleetwood Mac, the Bee Gees, Journey, ELO, Styx - boy - am I showing my age. 
I remember I dated this nice guy named Rob who played the guitar and would sing, "Waiting for a Girl Like You" to me. Very sweet and kind. And so life goes.
Again, the lyrics of this song are cathartic in the sense that I feel them when I hear them. Deeply. It is a battle cry of the wounded heart. Just reaching out wanting so badly for the love to be returned that I so freely give.
So I dedicate this song to all those hearts out there that share that same yearning to feel a deeper level of connection and love out there. It is waiting for you. When you find it, never let it go.

touched by grace

Standing in the line at Albertson's Starbucks location. Talking on the phone to my best friend Barb. Laughing and giggling. I order my drink - grande decaf non-fat no-whip mocha. Slide my gold card. Opps!  Short $1.65. 
I'll be right back - I have it in the car. I dash out the door giggling with my friend on the phone. Come back quickly with my checkbook. I start to write.
"Don't worry about it. An angel fairy paid it."
I look behind me. Nicely dressed gentleman. He shakes his head. Not him. I look at the staff - Marci - not her. The clerk - nope - not him. I look beyond the racks. At the table sits the Hailey homeless man who's bicycle is parked outside with water jugs hanging from it.
He needs a shower. He needs to shave. He is disheveled.
And he is not the first person I looked to as that angel. And I am ashamed.
He smiles and says, "Yep. I am your angel fairy. And someday you can buy me a coffee."
And I reply, "I promise you I will. I absolutely will."
And then the tears. In that moment, Jesus moved through this man.
And I have been touched by the grace of God.

tapes... you really have to grab this one.

This is most likely the song that best describes me in my entirety. In fact, it is the ringtone when my mother calls. Because a mother is love. Unconditional acceptance and love. And this is what I learned about myself. 
It is disturbing. It is depressing. It is haunting. It is full of sadness. But it is my reality. Everyday. Every single day of my life. Despite all the good I have done and continue to do. Despite my achievements. Despite the size of my heart. Despite all the good you see in my smile when you greet me. This is completely how I view myself. Damaged. For life.
I thought about posting the Live - A&E Version but decided to post instead an album cover. It is because I want everyone to clearly hear the lyrics of this exquisitely written poetry Alanis has shared. Her own vulnerability. And it spoke directly to me. It is the precise message I received growing up. And the tapes that play, rewind, reverse, and play again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and fucking again.
The first verse - my childhood. My father would boost, my mother would tear down. My father would drink. My mother would tear down. My father would give up. My mother would tear down.
The second verse - me as I view myself.  
The third verse - a warning. I guess for all who enter my life expecting the spectacular.
So to parents out there - your messages are strong. Your examples are powerful. What you say is never forgotten. I work hard on those internal messages. I give more than most. Not only to prove to you that I am worthy of your love and your time but that I can also believe, in my heart, that I truly deserve it.


"I am someone easy to leave
Even easier to forget",
a voice, if inaccurate
Again: "I'm the one they all run from"
diatribes of clouded sun
someone help me find the pause button...

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc.

"I'm too exhausting to be loved"
"a volatile chemical"
"best to quarantine and cut off"...

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc.

"I'm but thorn in your sweet side"
"You are better off without me"
"It'd be best to leave at once"...

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc.

life as it is...

Boy - what an excruciatingly painful day for me. I watched someone basically take themselves down because of their need to control. To self grandiose. To feel validated and important. And maybe ultimately just to feel loved and appreciated.
Does it feel good? Not at all. Because despite all of the angst and anxiety, the inappropriate behaviors, the breaking of trust, I always see people as basically trying to do the best they can to simply feel like they can belong somewhere and feel important to someone.
My friend Jen was absolutely, 100% right about me. I take too much in and feel too much empathy and pain. I have no right nor should I think I am that important that I should feel the pain of someone else and make it my own. But I do understand what is it like to feel so badly about myself that I simply want to push my agenda. However, I have never acted on it. I never would. It simply is not who I am. 
Because I was taught to always do an exceptional job and that few could follow or accomplish what I was able to, it would seem natural to push my ideas around. However, I never felt empowered enough to use my abilities as a weapon to further my agenda and I certainly do not believe I have all the answers. My father's ridiculous ideas about my abilities did teach me to be persistent in the search for the right answer so I do fight hard when I feel rules are broken and people are being harmed. So this is what I did. In this situation. Fought for what was just and right.
And the truth prevailed. But it doesn't make me feel good about the result. Somehow, I don't think this person feels remorseful or saddened by the damage left in the wake. That is the strange part. Because I am most likely feeling more sadness about it than they are. And that should speak volumes about what I was actually dealing with. To have it overwith? A load off my back. To not have the drama? What a gift. To be able to advocate without feeling sabotaged? OMGod - a miracle. To know the program I introduced will survive and thrive? The best news I could ever receive.
I will continue to put this into perspective. And I think a good night's sleep will give me relief. 
Unbelievable.  

Anticipation

Because in life, there is so much to live for.
So much to look forward to.
Blessings and love to all my friends...  xox