exhale inhale

It's strange but this blah feeling came over me a couple of weeks ago and I can't tell you what it's about. I don't feel depressed. I really don't feel anything at the moment. Just vacant. And I find that an odd way to feel at any time. 
It is coming around to the twentieth anniversary of my father's death - November 8th at 2:00 PM. And my mind is replaying every single moment of that time that's etched permanently in my heart. I think this is where my mood lies. I went to have my own private remembrance day with my father on the weekend, sat in the cool grass, tossed the long since dead leaves about and watched my breath go in an out, as I sat remembering that time so vividly. On went my headphones as I listened to David Foster play the songs that felt heavenly to me then. Something to help carry my father's mind to the place I believed he was venturing towards. And then the heaving of my chest as the tears came and I sobbed.
When he died, I was almost euphoric with the joy you'd expect, to know someone you love is no longer suffering. I realized it meant a huge ending in my life. But for whatever reason, none of that mattered because watching him unable to eat, move or be mobile was painful for me. He had shriveled into a small little man but my vision of his strength - his muscular body and washboard abs - stayed a clear picture in my mind. He was seeing people who had died (who I believed had come to him for comfort) and he was making bargains with me. Hopeful God would hear him. But that was not what the universe had planned for him. He was remorseful and afraid. And I sat and waited, speaking softly and clearly. Sharing stories of my memories. Being honest about my feelings. Telling him I would hold him for always in my heart and that his father was waiting for him.
It was the hardest, yet most amazing two weeks of my life. A gift really. But now, twenty years later, I hurt. Because I did need more. I wanted more time. Where it was just him and I. In a place where he was vulnerable and able to be honest and clear with me as a peer, rather than his daughter or child.
There is no celebration in loss. There is nothing that makes you feel better really. It is a dull ache that never leaves you. It wraps itself around who you think you are and alters it forever. The one man I knew I could always count on was gone. And now there would never be another. And I believed that. Because I had lived it.
So - Dad - I wish I could wish you back for a day. The grief club is a big one. But I will have to wait. I will have to believe you are out there somewhere. Waiting in a place where time no longer exists. And the comfort I take in that is knowing and hoping we will be able to embrace on a level that is equal in compassion, love and understanding. It was wrong of me to judge you; more that I should be judging myself. I have made my own series of mistakes that in many ways have hurt those I love dearly. So no one is perfect. But I know you see that. And as I have forgiven and moved on, so have you. 
I miss you daddy.

the softest of landings

So I have been thinking a lot about where I've landed. And there's a comfort about it that I haven't felt in quite some time. The people that surround me have hearts of goodness, kindness and love. And honestly, it leaves me wondering how this came into my life. 

I never would have guessed that the people I work with would all care about me so much. It's almost strange because all I am being is myself. Usually in my work related positions, I have had to dance in circles to feel appreciated and cared for. Given all I can of myself and truthfully, almost felt resentful for the lack of appreciation that comes back my way. What is strange in this situation is that I began just fulfilling the role I was hired to complete. They were happy with that. And as time passed, they "loved my energy" and the "joyful, caring heart" and "laughter" I brought to the office. I was described by one as a light bulb of happiness that made people want to be there. Simple, sweet and sincere compliments that I didn't take too seriously.

Then, it felt like a brief moment in time, the owner swept through with personnel changes and brought me downstairs where he was. He brought in a younger woman to work with me and asked me to work full time. There was no doubt I needed the money so I accepted (reluctantly - I must admit). And there I was.

And then I heard, "I haven't loved coming to work this much in such a long time. Thank you." I still did not understand what made my presence worthy of these comments. It was all kindness. I continued to learn everything there was to be taught. Because it became important to me to see the people who seemed to care for me do well. And I knew I had the skills to improve things in my small way in the office. Things are getting better and better and better for them. And I am, in a small way, responsible for it.

They have given me cash to treat my family to dinner. They have given me gift cards to take my family to dinner. They are paying for extra health care so my family has dental, prescriptions, holistic health care - and it is all a gift. And I haven't asked for a raise, because I do the books and I know we aren't quite there yet for me to ask. The owners are not rolling in wealth. They are hard working and trying to get this business operating securely and for the long haul. So we are at the early stage and they see I have invested myself in their vision and understand it.

I have never laughed so heartily - like a true ab workout - as I do when we all are laughing. I am treated as a partner, not an employee. And today, I was told that I am loved. When I looked back at them, they said, "Now don't go home and think we are weird and all for saying this. It isn't the way some may think it is. What it is is that we do love you Wendy. We just do." And that was from no where. It was just because I am there, working hard for them and wishing from inside my heart that they will do well.

So am I lucky? I think so. I really do. Sometimes it isn't about the money you make. It's about the comfort you feel inside when you feel cared for and know that what you are doing means something to somebody. Yeah, I am really lucky.

aging & true beauty

My friend Diane once said to me that if you were revered for your physical beauty, then aging and the loss of your fine physical features will be devastating to you. Funny thing. I was never revered for my physical beauty. A very late bloomer, I never saw myself as pretty or cute. I just happened to find a time and space where my "look" came together. And during that time, the confidence and freedom that came with being single and making my decisions wholly for myself allowed me to present myself in a way that screamed strength and power. Some of it came from what I was doing at the time and the success I was having in my career. At that time I felt complete in many ways. I had come into myself. I was the Wendy I thought had made it. That total package, if there is such a thing.
Now - 22 years later, I have lost a great piece of that physical beauty. My eyes are starting to show their age. My weight has added a puffiness to my face, further closing my eyes and making my chin oversized. My skin is still flawless, my eyes green and bright and when I smile, my face lights up. I can't seem to achieve the same sweet, crooked smile of my youth. So often I am disappointed by the photos that are taken of me. And I do hide behind my glasses and long hair. There is a great reluctance to cut my hair off. I want to stay young on some level and that is the only thing I have left that feels like it retains youthfulness. There is plenty of time to go uber-funky and cut the hair short, adopting a form of elder chic. Funky and fun. And that's something I look forward to. I don't want that old lady perm hair - or look - for that matter.
Getting back to where I started - I am beginning to understand clearly what Diane meant. And it is difficult to come to terms with. The attention I received in my youth is gone. Compliments are few and far between. And on some level, it feels like my sexy girliness of my youth is finally gone. I am blessed by my handsome husband but I can't help but wonder, if I were single, who would ever take a second look? Am I pretty but in a different way? I know that the inside of me is lovelier, more compassionate and discerning. I am a much better woman and human being all around. However, the gradual loss of that "package"feels very frightening to me. Because looks seem to make up a big part of first impressions. They always have. And I know full well it's wrong. But it's still true.
So the questions become, "How do I handle these feelings?" "Will I let them define me or stop me from being the very best I can be?" 

finding me...

I miss my authentic self. I am feeling a bit melancholy - but I can't pinpoint why. I have a marvelous life that surrounds me. A beautiful child and a loving husband. And yet sometimes I feel like I am missing a piece of myself. Giving away bits and pieces of my heart everyday takes wee pieces of my own soul. And it feels like everyone wants something from me. I say yes so that I don't stay in this constant place of cash "poverty", even when it is a detriment to my own time, space and well being. It puts me in a place where I must do for others when my time is limited by reality. And in the end, I am disappointed and disappointing. To myself, and most importantly, to others.I think about when life was once easier. Where money came to me because I worked incredibly hard and was paid what I truly deserved. You'd think I'd become a better student. Instead, I have peddled backwards to a place where I have to work harder and harder to feel safer and stable. And this means I must work more hours. Taking away the precious time from myself. When I think about that, it pains me.I love singing in my choir. It is one of the few joys that are my own. But even the time it takes to go to the practice and enliven my spirit feels like time taken away from work. Time where I should be fulfilling my commitments to others. Time where I could be making more and more money. When I look at that introspectively, I am saddened because it doesn't even come close to expressing my core values and what truly matters to me.So in losing everything, there is a piece of me that has lost myself. Perhaps in time I can regain it.Lately I have had some serious health scares. Thankfully, my God is allowing me more time at this present moment to live day by day. But this, and my aging, has put my life in front of me in a way that feels expeditious. I have so much to do that I want to do. Will I ever have time to do it? Will there be time? Will I make the time? Can I afford the time? Will I ever feel safe once again? I am not sure. Being a parent is all about giving your life away willingly. And as you give each and every piece of your precious heart away, it is stored in the heart of your child. So they can be strong when they leave you. But what we all forget is how do we regain the completeness of self that we so freely let go? Are we ever whole again? Thinking about this makes me very tired and makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep. It feels like the only refuge of my mind at this moment. So I will cut myself some slack and permit myself to lift my worries up and hand them to God. Until my busiest of busy minds can work things through.

goodbye my friend

Today - I dedicate this to my once forever friend Steve. He had a serious mental illness. He was also an alcoholic. But he was most of all, a human being. He was very ill. But he also tried very hard to be well. There were many obstacles in his way. The one thing I wish to say is that there is nothing he loved more than his children. Nothing. He fought the alcoholism and his horrible relationship with his partner to stay in his familial home, so he'd be present for his girls. And in the end, working against his heart and mind's deepest desires and fondest wishes, it finally killed him. He lost everything he valued. Everything in this earthly life.  Now his children will forever believe he abandoned them. 

Steve, you were no different than my father. He had to die slowly from cancer. And he had to drink endlessly to deal with his miserable life and marriage. His life simply never went the way he had so hoped. And finally, I lost my father. It's been 20 long years and there isn't a thing I wouldn't do to bring him back to my arms.

Steve, you should have reached harder. You had the tools and the skills. I believed in you. So did so many other people. Many of us go through horrible struggles but we fight hard. We fight for our lives. I guess being stoic wasn't enough. All I can do is pray that you are finally at peace. And I am sorry for anything I did inadvertently and without thinking, to ever contribute to all of your feelings of loss. Because I do not know how you departed, my assumptions are dark and dismal. My fondest wish is that I can retract my anger knowing you had a heart attack in your sleep. Right now, I want to hit you with a bat. (Just kidding...)

I cared very deeply for you. I loved your desire to be well and the promise of a better future so dearly. I wanted that for you more than you wanted it for yourself. You were a true friend for a snapshot in time. And I will never forget you. Never.

Rest peacefully. It's been so much sadness and too much war for you. Heaven must be like pure bliss. Soar with the angels, friend. I just cannot believe you are gone.

Rest peacefully Steve... until we meet again.

Stephen G. "Steve" Barnes

Stephen G. (Steve) Barnes of Fallbrook, Calif., passed away on Thursday, May 23,, 2013. Steve was born on July 11, 1958, in St. Louis, Mo., to Doris (Nett) and Warren Barnes and raised in Southern California.  Steve had many accomplishments, including his Master of Software Engineering degree from Seattle University.

    Steve was the eldest son of Doris (Nett) and Warren Barnes. Steve will forever be remembered by his devoted family:  mother and father Doris and Warren; brothers and sisters, Valerie (Rocky), Warren (Anne), Cheryl (Lars) and Gerry (Deena); nieces and nephews, Finn, Grant, Roxanne, Lars, Kate, Beverly, Austin, Noland and Lia; along with countless other friends and family who were blessed to know him.

    Steve married the love of his life, Lynn, and relocated to the Wood River Valley in 1992. Steve’s pride and joy were his two daughters, Dakota and Shelby, who were born and raised in Hailey, Idaho. Steve was passionate about many things in this world, but a few he loved the most were singing, playing the guitar and spending time with his family. He was an avid Pittsburgh Steeler fan.

    Steve touched the lives of many people with his smile, quick wit, laughter and sense of humor. A celebration of life will be announced at a later date. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to your local NAMI chapter.

time and space...

I have the perfect place in my new home where there is quiet and solitude. In it, i can meditate. Breathe and feel peacefulness for the first time in a long time. And comfort knowing that I have taken care of everything in my past. Left no debts behind. Left a million hugs and all the love I had to share, embracing those who truly loved me. And who I truly loved. Come clean with every secret I held inside; all of my fears, my doubts, my need to feel cared for, my desired to be appreciated. I guess we all hold these wishes as true on one level or another. My definitions were askew and God intervened through others to lead me on a path of clarity and peace. And with that, I feel released and free. I feel better than I have in years. I owe no one anything. No explanations. Because I have taken care of what is closest to me. Of those who deserve my truth and honesty. My love and faithfulness. It doesn't mean there is sheer bliss - I don't know that there ever will be. Honestly, I have come such a long way considering where I once was. The best part is being forced to realize what I believed I needed wasn't really what I needed at all. I needed to find that deeper part of me. 

I have defined myself in so many ways. A mother's abused child, a father's beloved daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother and a friend. A real friend. And what has never wavered is that I believe in the power of love. That love has held me during my worst of times and brought be the greatest of joys. It affects every iota of who I am - every part of my conscious decision making process. If there is no love, then there is no relationship. No reason to be part of anything larger than me. We are all conceived in love - at least ideologically - it should be that way. I wasn't but I also wasn't sucked into a sink. So on some level there was a love that carried me through and protected me to be born. Because I had a purpose I only now am seeing so much more clearly. 

I love being the age I am now. Because I am right where I want to be. I control my destiny. God holds the key and wants to see me fulfill my potential. And I will. In listening to the silence, I will be reunited with my soul. My self. And I will find that path that fulfills me until my God calls me home.