aging & true beauty

My friend Diane once said to me that if you were revered for your physical beauty, then aging and the loss of your fine physical features will be devastating to you. Funny thing. I was never revered for my physical beauty. A very late bloomer, I never saw myself as pretty or cute. I just happened to find a time and space where my "look" came together. And during that time, the confidence and freedom that came with being single and making my decisions wholly for myself allowed me to present myself in a way that screamed strength and power. Some of it came from what I was doing at the time and the success I was having in my career. At that time I felt complete in many ways. I had come into myself. I was the Wendy I thought had made it. That total package, if there is such a thing.
Now - 22 years later, I have lost a great piece of that physical beauty. My eyes are starting to show their age. My weight has added a puffiness to my face, further closing my eyes and making my chin oversized. My skin is still flawless, my eyes green and bright and when I smile, my face lights up. I can't seem to achieve the same sweet, crooked smile of my youth. So often I am disappointed by the photos that are taken of me. And I do hide behind my glasses and long hair. There is a great reluctance to cut my hair off. I want to stay young on some level and that is the only thing I have left that feels like it retains youthfulness. There is plenty of time to go uber-funky and cut the hair short, adopting a form of elder chic. Funky and fun. And that's something I look forward to. I don't want that old lady perm hair - or look - for that matter.
Getting back to where I started - I am beginning to understand clearly what Diane meant. And it is difficult to come to terms with. The attention I received in my youth is gone. Compliments are few and far between. And on some level, it feels like my sexy girliness of my youth is finally gone. I am blessed by my handsome husband but I can't help but wonder, if I were single, who would ever take a second look? Am I pretty but in a different way? I know that the inside of me is lovelier, more compassionate and discerning. I am a much better woman and human being all around. However, the gradual loss of that "package"feels very frightening to me. Because looks seem to make up a big part of first impressions. They always have. And I know full well it's wrong. But it's still true.
So the questions become, "How do I handle these feelings?" "Will I let them define me or stop me from being the very best I can be?" 

finding me...

I miss my authentic self. I am feeling a bit melancholy - but I can't pinpoint why. I have a marvelous life that surrounds me. A beautiful child and a loving husband. And yet sometimes I feel like I am missing a piece of myself. Giving away bits and pieces of my heart everyday takes wee pieces of my own soul. And it feels like everyone wants something from me. I say yes so that I don't stay in this constant place of cash "poverty", even when it is a detriment to my own time, space and well being. It puts me in a place where I must do for others when my time is limited by reality. And in the end, I am disappointed and disappointing. To myself, and most importantly, to others.I think about when life was once easier. Where money came to me because I worked incredibly hard and was paid what I truly deserved. You'd think I'd become a better student. Instead, I have peddled backwards to a place where I have to work harder and harder to feel safer and stable. And this means I must work more hours. Taking away the precious time from myself. When I think about that, it pains me.I love singing in my choir. It is one of the few joys that are my own. But even the time it takes to go to the practice and enliven my spirit feels like time taken away from work. Time where I should be fulfilling my commitments to others. Time where I could be making more and more money. When I look at that introspectively, I am saddened because it doesn't even come close to expressing my core values and what truly matters to me.So in losing everything, there is a piece of me that has lost myself. Perhaps in time I can regain it.Lately I have had some serious health scares. Thankfully, my God is allowing me more time at this present moment to live day by day. But this, and my aging, has put my life in front of me in a way that feels expeditious. I have so much to do that I want to do. Will I ever have time to do it? Will there be time? Will I make the time? Can I afford the time? Will I ever feel safe once again? I am not sure. Being a parent is all about giving your life away willingly. And as you give each and every piece of your precious heart away, it is stored in the heart of your child. So they can be strong when they leave you. But what we all forget is how do we regain the completeness of self that we so freely let go? Are we ever whole again? Thinking about this makes me very tired and makes me want to curl up in a ball and sleep. It feels like the only refuge of my mind at this moment. So I will cut myself some slack and permit myself to lift my worries up and hand them to God. Until my busiest of busy minds can work things through.

goodbye my friend

Today - I dedicate this to my once forever friend Steve. He had a serious mental illness. He was also an alcoholic. But he was most of all, a human being. He was very ill. But he also tried very hard to be well. There were many obstacles in his way. The one thing I wish to say is that there is nothing he loved more than his children. Nothing. He fought the alcoholism and his horrible relationship with his partner to stay in his familial home, so he'd be present for his girls. And in the end, working against his heart and mind's deepest desires and fondest wishes, it finally killed him. He lost everything he valued. Everything in this earthly life.  Now his children will forever believe he abandoned them. 

Steve, you were no different than my father. He had to die slowly from cancer. And he had to drink endlessly to deal with his miserable life and marriage. His life simply never went the way he had so hoped. And finally, I lost my father. It's been 20 long years and there isn't a thing I wouldn't do to bring him back to my arms.

Steve, you should have reached harder. You had the tools and the skills. I believed in you. So did so many other people. Many of us go through horrible struggles but we fight hard. We fight for our lives. I guess being stoic wasn't enough. All I can do is pray that you are finally at peace. And I am sorry for anything I did inadvertently and without thinking, to ever contribute to all of your feelings of loss. Because I do not know how you departed, my assumptions are dark and dismal. My fondest wish is that I can retract my anger knowing you had a heart attack in your sleep. Right now, I want to hit you with a bat. (Just kidding...)

I cared very deeply for you. I loved your desire to be well and the promise of a better future so dearly. I wanted that for you more than you wanted it for yourself. You were a true friend for a snapshot in time. And I will never forget you. Never.

Rest peacefully. It's been so much sadness and too much war for you. Heaven must be like pure bliss. Soar with the angels, friend. I just cannot believe you are gone.

Rest peacefully Steve... until we meet again.

Stephen G. "Steve" Barnes

Stephen G. (Steve) Barnes of Fallbrook, Calif., passed away on Thursday, May 23,, 2013. Steve was born on July 11, 1958, in St. Louis, Mo., to Doris (Nett) and Warren Barnes and raised in Southern California.  Steve had many accomplishments, including his Master of Software Engineering degree from Seattle University.

    Steve was the eldest son of Doris (Nett) and Warren Barnes. Steve will forever be remembered by his devoted family:  mother and father Doris and Warren; brothers and sisters, Valerie (Rocky), Warren (Anne), Cheryl (Lars) and Gerry (Deena); nieces and nephews, Finn, Grant, Roxanne, Lars, Kate, Beverly, Austin, Noland and Lia; along with countless other friends and family who were blessed to know him.

    Steve married the love of his life, Lynn, and relocated to the Wood River Valley in 1992. Steve’s pride and joy were his two daughters, Dakota and Shelby, who were born and raised in Hailey, Idaho. Steve was passionate about many things in this world, but a few he loved the most were singing, playing the guitar and spending time with his family. He was an avid Pittsburgh Steeler fan.

    Steve touched the lives of many people with his smile, quick wit, laughter and sense of humor. A celebration of life will be announced at a later date. In lieu of flowers, the family requests that donations be made to your local NAMI chapter.

time and space...

I have the perfect place in my new home where there is quiet and solitude. In it, i can meditate. Breathe and feel peacefulness for the first time in a long time. And comfort knowing that I have taken care of everything in my past. Left no debts behind. Left a million hugs and all the love I had to share, embracing those who truly loved me. And who I truly loved. Come clean with every secret I held inside; all of my fears, my doubts, my need to feel cared for, my desired to be appreciated. I guess we all hold these wishes as true on one level or another. My definitions were askew and God intervened through others to lead me on a path of clarity and peace. And with that, I feel released and free. I feel better than I have in years. I owe no one anything. No explanations. Because I have taken care of what is closest to me. Of those who deserve my truth and honesty. My love and faithfulness. It doesn't mean there is sheer bliss - I don't know that there ever will be. Honestly, I have come such a long way considering where I once was. The best part is being forced to realize what I believed I needed wasn't really what I needed at all. I needed to find that deeper part of me. 

I have defined myself in so many ways. A mother's abused child, a father's beloved daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother and a friend. A real friend. And what has never wavered is that I believe in the power of love. That love has held me during my worst of times and brought be the greatest of joys. It affects every iota of who I am - every part of my conscious decision making process. If there is no love, then there is no relationship. No reason to be part of anything larger than me. We are all conceived in love - at least ideologically - it should be that way. I wasn't but I also wasn't sucked into a sink. So on some level there was a love that carried me through and protected me to be born. Because I had a purpose I only now am seeing so much more clearly. 

I love being the age I am now. Because I am right where I want to be. I control my destiny. God holds the key and wants to see me fulfill my potential. And I will. In listening to the silence, I will be reunited with my soul. My self. And I will find that path that fulfills me until my God calls me home. 

the show's half over...

Well - actually more than that as I realize watching old videos of my gorgeous child. The youthfulness and excitement of watching my young mama self. I love seeing the pure joy and happiness in my eyes. I am sparkling. And watching them made me excited to sparkle again. Every moment is one of discovery with Kami. Every moment is more discovery and learning for myself. I guess I thought I would have had it all by this age but I am truly still learning. I see the neediness in me. I see my need to fill places never filled appropriately in my childhood. I see more strength and determination to speak my truth. And most of all, I see fulfillment in being the person I visualize myself as. A purveyor of only love and goodness in relationships.


Each action has an equal and opposite reaction. This was my lesson from last year. For all I do, I must do more. Because in doing more, I am rewarded in many more ways. I am not talking about material rewards - I am speaking of those related to kind hearts. The spreading of the message of what life is really about. And avoiding those who are simply young souls and don't get it. And the biggest lesson of all is to let people walk their own journeys because I am simply not responsible to fix, to lead them or even tell them the route to take. Even when they ask. Maybe I look like I have the answers but I think I have learned through hard knocks to save those secrets for the people in my life that I truly can trust. My energy has shifted. I need to give myself what I need. Not others who lack genuine concern about me. I can be kind. But I can have boundaries. My kindness can be very specific and clear. It can be sent lacking a truly attached heart and I am smart enough to know how to do this. It requires me cutting back on how approachable I can be. But it is necessary considering what I have endured over the past several months giving so much of myself away that there was nothing left for my family, let alone myself, to fall back on.


I was lucky in all that chaos that God protected me from myself and kept me healthy when emotionally I was not doing well at all. I have immense gratitude for those who stood by me and gave me the confidence to move forward despite my extreme fears. I made huge mistakes. Huge! But in forgiveness of others, and most importantly, myself, I have come to understand what I was really looking for. The price I paid was my own. My health and happiness. But I am back now. Feeling refreshed and renewed. And ready for some new challenges to appear before me. I can't wait to see what doors open. It has been a lot of hard work just pushing up and out of the tunnel however so worth the energy expended. 


Where will I be in 6 months? I don't really know. I have opened doors in two opposite directions. It is like rolling the dice and letting God decide my destiny. Whatever it is, it will be fabulous and it will be right. And I am excited to see what really unfolds. In fact - I truly can't wait!

Leap...

I was reading over some old writing of mine in another blog that I once shared with a friend. I wanted to reflect - to take a closer look at the person I once was, or rather, as the person I am coming to discover I really am.  Not much different really. I believe that in every stage of your life, you are laid bare to the elements. The pain of my experience was all consuming. Unlike anything I have experienced in such a long time. And it all still comes and goes in waves. It is not unlike profound grief. And I expect I will feel it for the rest of my life as I recall what I once believed was true.


I remain one that comes from love that sincerely looks naively at situations and attempts to see only goodness in that situation. More profound is how I seem to recognize, whether by sign, signal or intuition, that I am completely aware and alert of the freight train coming my direction. On some level, I believe that faith and hope play huge roles in how I think.  How I believe. The outcomes often do nothing to boost my self nurturing. Perhaps that lesson is to give it to myself. To trust myself. To believe in myself.


I keep a special recess for promise. Of better things to come. I am also learning that I am so incredibly capable - making me able to accomplish so much more than most are aware I am able to. And in order to capture the divinity that God gave me, it becomes my responsibility to hone these skills and work extra hard to make them surface. Make the life I dream of my reality.


The past few weeks have opened my eyes to possibilities I had long since buried in my own self pity. All the self confidence that my mental health diagnosis, my own stubbornness and my deep seated fears took away from me. I still hold those fears - but why? What is it I am still afraid of? Certainly it should be nothing where my ability to accomplish things lies. I can do anything I set my mind to. Truly. I have an impressive curriculum vitae - I have completed several lifetime goals in my short 49 years. And I should only be proud. So why be afraid? Life is a series of challenges and I so do want to accomplish more. Meet those challenges with courage. I am a force to reckon with and I deserve to be respected for the talents God gave me. And I am coming to see that they are appreciated and praised even when I feel like I am unworthy. Those are my insecurities. Not the reality of what I comprise. 


So despite the broken promises as well as the attempts to sabotage my wellness and control the outcome of my thoughts and intentions, I remain strong and believe the underlying truths shared. They mean more. They are the building blocks of my life force. I am smart. I am strong. I deserve so much. I can do so much. I just need to step off that fear precipice and leap.


And I think I just might.