Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Michael Jackson - Stranger In Moscow
"How does it feel? When your alone and your cold inside?
Like a Stranger in Moscow. Lord have mercy. I'm livin' lonely baby."
Just ask Michael Jackson for he knew it all too well. This is regrettably one
of the best self-examinations of his life he ever wrote. And I feel like he is singing to me.
I absolutely love this song.
The cinematography speaks to the shadows that play in my mind. The deep fear of abandonment that is my true curse. That I have no true reason to be here because I was truly a mistake.
And I believe that although his circumstances were far different than mine, he understood those feelings of fear, loneliness and dissociation. For sure, he knew what it was like to feel different and utterly alone. It circles back to trust and betrayal.
I miss this sweet, tortured soul on our earth.
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2 comments:
I hope you stop feeling so alone someday. Our group and especially little old me are here with you. You must know that by now. Gotta penetrate that armor somehow.
It's been a long hard road for me, Steve. I think what I need to discover is what it is about me that is unable to allow myself to trust. I am so afraid of being abandoned - I think it is the root of all of my lifetime of issues. Perhaps it goes as far back as being adopted because as a child, I used to speak of going camping to my adopted parents wondering, "When will we go camping again?" I was only 3. As it turns out, we didn't camp however I went camping with my foster family who used to call me Penny. For whatever reason, I believe I had bonded with them before I was finally adopted. I really don't know but I do find it fascinating.
The thing is I open up immediately but am so tentative. Then I close out of fear. People are drawn to my friendliness and genuinely large heart. However, I only share bits and pieces of myself. Gary doesn't really know all of me either. I only allowed one person in and he hurt me terribly. He was someone I was brutally honest with because I believed there was no one who would love me as much as he would. He said it over and over again. I believed him. I bought it all. And he brought me to my knees. Truly, I should have invested more in loving myself. So I did allow him to take more of myself away from me.
And now after so many years, I have become used to the aloneness of being together. Someone should write a dissertation about my issues. Maybe then I could fully appreciate the extent of how the forks in my road and their drama have affected me. I know I will find my passion. It is my life's work to free my heart and my mind. Truly.
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