Does it feel good? Not at all. Because despite all of the angst and anxiety, the inappropriate behaviors, the breaking of trust, I always see people as basically trying to do the best they can to simply feel like they can belong somewhere and feel important to someone.
My friend Jen was absolutely, 100% right about me. I take too much in and feel too much empathy and pain. I have no right nor should I think I am that important that I should feel the pain of someone else and make it my own. But I do understand what is it like to feel so badly about myself that I simply want to push my agenda. However, I have never acted on it. I never would. It simply is not who I am.
Because I was taught to always do an exceptional job and that few could follow or accomplish what I was able to, it would seem natural to push my ideas around. However, I never felt empowered enough to use my abilities as a weapon to further my agenda and I certainly do not believe I have all the answers. My father's ridiculous ideas about my abilities did teach me to be persistent in the search for the right answer so I do fight hard when I feel rules are broken and people are being harmed. So this is what I did. In this situation. Fought for what was just and right.
And the truth prevailed. But it doesn't make me feel good about the result. Somehow, I don't think this person feels remorseful or saddened by the damage left in the wake. That is the strange part. Because I am most likely feeling more sadness about it than they are. And that should speak volumes about what I was actually dealing with. To have it overwith? A load off my back. To not have the drama? What a gift. To be able to advocate without feeling sabotaged? OMGod - a miracle. To know the program I introduced will survive and thrive? The best news I could ever receive.
I will continue to put this into perspective. And I think a good night's sleep will give me relief.
Unbelievable.
No comments:
Post a Comment