Strangely enough, I just wanted to experience the experience before I'd be forced to experience the experience.
Doesn't make much sense does it? Well my perfectionist personality was such that I wanted to be sure I knew exactly what was expected of me so that I wouldn't do something wrong or make any mistakes. I look back at this and it make me laugh. I also think about it a lot because I have a daughter and I struggle with what would be the correct message to send her.
So OMG (take a breath) - I was a virgin when I got married. I think about that now and I would never wholeheartedly recommend this. There is great value to having a sense of the intimacy one can expect in what they hope will be a lifelong relationship. I am an expert in this now and can write the book. So maybe I will...So - the night of my wedding - I was fabulous until I got into the limo to the hotel. Then a massive attack of fear and panic came and well - one amazing body function kicked in and I spent most of the rest of the night in the bathroom. Didn't really matter because my new husband had fallen asleep. So incredibly romantic. And it makes me laugh. I think we made love night three at his aunt and uncle's home in Rossland, BC. Don't laugh. Well laugh. I am laughing. Sheeesh.
As it turns out "D" was not big into intimacy and I, being creative and explorative and certainly naive, forced the poor guy to try things he probably never thought were possible. Actually, truth be told, he was not fond of open expressions of love in public. And me? Well - I am touchy, feelly so he spent a lot of time swatting me and telling me I was being inappropriate. And we were what, 23?
I am laughing while I write this. OMG What an idiot. I mean me. Here is the rub - you marry someone you fall in love with and then spend the rest of your life punishing them for simply being themselves. Not nice. Actually - I don't think I knew what the definition of love was then. I think I simply needed out of my home.
So then I have lunch with an old friend and little old stupid me - start asking, "Hmmm - is it right to have sex once every month or so when you're married? That doesn't seem right to me." Well trust me - I got a pretty solid answer and in time, well - poor "D". "D" is also the first letter of divorce and once he began to really drink due to his own loss of dreams, he was gone. I know he is much happier now that he is able to be his authentic self, the main man to his cop wife. I am was grateful to know I would not be a nun for the rest of life. Scares me to think of us slowly suffocating our true selves.
I am not good at picking what I need that's right for me. It's pretty obvious based on my track record although this time I have made it over 20 years in this marriage. So I have stick to-it-tiveness. I work hard at my relationships because I value them. I like things that last and that BOTH partners work hard on. It shows commitment and dedication to the overall goal. I don't quit or give up easily. I do my best to work it out so that both partners can be satisfied.
I am learning that more and more people live in marriages where they are never valued. Never held or touched. Never told how much their very essence makes for great delight in their partners. Sure - we all have familial responsibilities but why do we put the heart of that very soul in jeopardy by ignoring the needs of the one person we promise to cherish until death? I don't understand it.
Wouldn't bliss be waking in the arms of someone who can see in your eyes safety and comfort and feel truly loved, valued and appreciated? I go back to thinking of your partner and exceeding their needs while they do the same. That would work for me for certain.
Don't they say that dreams do come true? It isn't Prince Charming I'm looking for. Just honest and sincere, true respect and love.
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