panic, anxiety and fear

Do any of you realize what it feels like to fear everyday you will simply die? That no matter what direction you chose, you will lose? That there is absolutely no safe place to breathe? To never feel complete relaxation and peace; true self acceptance and self love?
I suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and panic attacks and I want you to know how it feels. I am being made to feel like I am some sort of superwoman. I just do my best to be like everyone else. But it is so hard for me. And I don't think many of your realize just how hard it truly is.
Will the day ever come when I can feel completely at peace? I am told never. And the fear is like an unbreakable cord wrapped tightly around my heart and my mind - stopping me from being my true authentic self. Stopping me from using my God given potential.
I keep myself very busy trying to help others feel good about themselves.  Help them see their value and their worth. It really helps take my mind off my own stuff and fends off the fears that keep me in this biochemical prison, every second of every minute of every hour of every day of my life. However, I am not perfect at it.
I thought about just what I used to be... what I used to have before all of this happened. It wasn't authentic either but the component of fear wasn't there. So I felt freedom and believed all was possible. 
The type of panic disorder I have is one that blindsides you. That means, it can come at any time for any reason. And when it does, it sinks me into deep depression. A place where hope does not exist. Over time, I return from that place but the world is cloudier. And it takes many months for that fog to gradually lift.
So no - I don't have recognizable fears. I am simply afraid of the panic attack itself. And I am more afraid of the debilitation that comes afterward. It completely cripples me.
I have not experienced a full blown attack for a number of years now. In fact, I couldn't will it if I wanted to. It simply appears like a burst of pain from no where.
Over time, I have learned it is important to practice self care. To learn to say no. God also gave me the ability to be an adept negotiator so I use those skills to help alleviate the fears of others who have similarly suffered. So I try to tell those I meet that there is light at the end of the tunnel for them as there has been for me.
But because I walk this earth pretty well put together in most ways, people forget I am vulnerable and actually quite sensitive and fragile. They believe I can handle so much more than I am able. And although I wish I could be everything to everyone, I simply can't. My body and mind won't allow it. The trick is to find the balance. And I am still a long way from there but looking for it.
I am working with people I care very much for. I am trying to negotiate my way through something that scares me. Something that hurts me deeply. And I am afraid of what it is doing to me. I am finding that I am unable to cope with a lot of other people's issues any longer. I can only work on my own and those issues I create because like any of us, I am learning and growing still.  I am not a professional in the emotional illnesses of others. I am not a mental health specialist. I am just Wendy with panic, anxiety and fear, trying to model through example but still fucking up along the way while I learn. And I need to be cut some slack. I need to be able to be human and make mistakes. And I need to be allowed to ask for forgiveness. Because there is nothing I wouldn't forgive if I felt someone's pain and remorse.
So to any of you that think I have it all down pat think again. None of you do. I don't expect you to be perfect. I only put that intense pressure of perfection myself.
Life is so hard. I am really hurting and I am running out of energy to hurt this badly. And being one who doesn't like to take medication and has never self-medicated, there is nowhere for me to hide.
So I simply express my truth and hope in some way that doing this again and again, redemption and forgiveness will find it's way back to me over time. It always takes time but I can be patient for as long as it takes.