alone or loneliness

I think it's interesting - the entire notion of being surrounded by so many people yet feeling so desperately alone. I am a busy person; active in every way. Advocating for people. Trying to make the world a better place with simple contributions of laughter and hugs. I laugh or rather, create laughter, to hide the pain, loneliness and sadness I often feel. It worked really well for me in high school. Being very bright and talented, I could pretty much get away with every practical joke I was clever enough to pull. The laughter brought me a form of acceptance and love I needed so desperately feeling isolated because of what I felt was my quirky, awkward self. It felt so important to just fit in. Smoking made me feel "cool" (what an idiot). I drove my own car. Paid for all my own things. Didn't stand out except when I could outsmart a teacher and save some other kid from a detention or something.
I became the great actress of dissociation. It was really easy for me to become whomever I needed to be to fit it. To feel accepted. My character and integrity was really important to me and I managed to maintain my moral compass. That would fall much later. And it fell hard. I had a hard time coming to the realization that I was only human and quite fallible. 
Now I sit in a relationship with a man I fell in love with over 20 years ago. I have always been attracted to him in so many ways. And I have worked hard to evolve the relationship in so many ways where my needs have grown and changed as I have evolved. Have you ever tried to change the dance midway through the song? It really does not go over well.
I would love to believe the words he says. The actions are very different. I would love to feel like the very center of his universe. But I lie somewhere along the periphery. I would love to believe that I am wanted as a woman in every way. But that desire of me has long since left him - not because of me. However, it is not my place to force those changes and as time continues to pass, it internalizes a form of rejection that would be difficult to overcome despite his words of love to me. 
I write off a lot to a lousy two years in our time as a couple - let's face it - everyone has had a rough go.  In some ways it has brought us closer to our true values - or should I say brought ME closer to my true values. But in others, it has made glaringly clear the differences in our needs as individuals. When those needs go unmet, one feels dreadfully alone in their partnership. Granted, some couples choose to live this way. I certainly never would have chosen this for myself.
With love being the most important emotion in my life, I would like to say it rises to the top as something I desperately desire. So I will have to fight harder for it. It feels wrong to fight so hard, but it is the right thing to do. I need to find out what it is in me that I need to fill that gap or make my decision based on these actions solely. To do otherwise simply puts me in a very familiar and torturous place that I have been before. And that is not fair to me or anyone else I love.
Hmmm.... interesting where one's mind goes when they have time to think.