expectations

My mind is my greatest gift as well as the source of my most difficult internal conflicts. You can take people literally or you can go deeper into the emotion of what they convey and take that. This is where I need to be more discerning. It seems like lately I am going deeper, reading deeper, capturing what is deeper. And then I stick a pin in the little hole and wiggle it around to make it bigger. I want more. I want to find out more. I want to delve into the expectation there might be more for me, the excitement of more for my life. I take the invitation to wiggle the pin some more. The message, I'll admit, is a bit mixed up from the conveyor. But I grasp the thread, the hollow promises along with my own needs wiggle the pin even more. 
And then I am set straight. Things are made clear. And I totally get it. Because I should have taken it literally - not emotionally as I always do.
So a little piece of wood is nailed over the hole. However, there is still another hole next to it and the continued invitation to stick the pin in it again.
I am not sure I want to stick the pin in again. A part of me wants to because I am about love and it motivates me completely, however...
I have already shared too much. Although in the silence there is the open invitation to share, I become increasing more vulnerable with no way to make equitable what I lay out on the table. Then my old friend fear creeps in and sends chills down my spine. 
Certainly a veil of sadness comes over me because I have allowed my expectations to overrun my logicality. However, there is a time and there is a place. My desperate need for safety and unconditional love and acceptance cannot be tethered to someone else's horse. How can I expect to do something well when I have never been taught? I need to go easier on myself. The modeling simply wasn't there when I was a child. And it sets me up for heartbreak. However, I am a fast learner and I can change the dance. Being smart is a gift.
And then FUCK  - is this really what's going on?
Maybe it's just about getting through the original goals I set out with on this journey. This is the reminder - over and over again. Not only from through the pinhole but on my side of the wall. Maybe once I have completed those goals, I can sit back and reevaluate where I am at that moment. Perhaps then they'll be another hole from someone more open to me completely or maybe no hole and I will be in a place where I will do just fine. I just love the softness, sweetness and intelligence coming from door number one. So who knows? I certainly don't profess to have any answers.
So onward from here taking baby steps. Starting over, letting go of expectations and just trusting the process. Letting go and letting God.
If someone can show me a better way, i'll follow.