The canvas of my body has been decorated in black for many years now. Mourning the loss of my perceived once beautiful and attractive self. It hasn’t been all bad. Black is certainly a slimming color and there is something striking and powerful about wearing a black jacket and shirt with a nice pair of blue jeans and kick-ass Frye boots. That was quite a while ago and I have adapted to the appropriate taste and style that suits my age. I am getting older but I feel somewhere deep inside I still can hold court in my own age group given some serious attention to my physical and emotional self.It’s interesting that my daughter notices the black thing more than I pay attention to it. She told her friends at camp, when I went to visit her, to look for the only person to show up dressed in black. And I didn’t disappoint.
It is also incredibly easy to coordinate a look for any occasion. I have a lot of black. A lot!
I do love black, but I also look good in ‘blue red’ and green is my favorite color. I simply choose to seldom wear any other color than black. It is from my deep need and apparent uncomfort-ability of being noticed. I don’t want to be seen. Not at all. Not looked at. Not noticed. Period.
This goes back to bad choices I made when my first marriage ended. I don’t like drawing attention to myself. And the accumulation of weight over the years is for the same reason. Grief over giving up my career that so defined me. Somewhere, a loss of self.
However, if I want to live to see my child grow up without taking a risk on my heart (which I think is a predisposition genetically), I need to make some serious changes to my lifestyle. Now. Before I am 50. That would be my target but I am ¼ of the way there and I am determined to stay on this path. Absolutely determined.
Part of the lack of motivation has been the usual low self esteem that I think everyone carries. Just some have a harder time with it than others. We all hold inner pain that manifests itself in any number of ways. And if anyone knew my true history, they would understand that I really don’t know what my true weight should be.
I do know that I was 89 pounds when I graduated from high school and my daughter weights six more pounds than that in Grade Six. I find that bizarre and interesting.
So I think this is happening for a combination of reasons. One is the obvious one I stated above. My daughter. The second is the empowerment given to me by friends who love me who wish me to rediscover and celebrate the beauty I have buried deep inside of me for many, many years. It makes me feel like I have lost a lot of years. However, I simply wasn’t strong enough nor was I ready to face the challenge of breaking out of my comfortable place.
So today I impulsively purchased a gorgeous colorful dress. What a shift. And I love it. I can’t wait to wear it. 10 more pounds. It fits but I want to feel great in it. And I am coming alive slowly. And it feels so good.
The photo is from my iPhone and you can see, it sure ain’t black! Cool, isn’t it?
2 comments:
It's time. Time for your outside to match your insides. The richness of your color scheme needs to shine through for all to see. I also recently purged everything I hoped to fit in one day. When the size comes, and it will, it will be time to celebrate. Time to treat myself to the new me. And so it is with you. True beauty doesn't come from how others see you, but from how you see yourself. Don't forget that.
Isn't that the truth? I think from the earliest time I can remember, I have always zeroed in on what others think of me. It's only natural because it becomes the way we seek approval, love and acceptance. If we could all simply accept and be grateful for the gifts God divinely gives us it would glow like a bright light in all of our faces. We're all so busy fixing what we think is broken instead of seeing that at any given moment we are simply alright just the way we are. Not that we don't want to improve - but that we are just fine. It releases a lot of the pressure for sure...
Love to you my friend. <3
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