tapes... you really have to grab this one.

This is most likely the song that best describes me in my entirety. In fact, it is the ringtone when my mother calls. Because a mother is love. Unconditional acceptance and love. And this is what I learned about myself. 
It is disturbing. It is depressing. It is haunting. It is full of sadness. But it is my reality. Everyday. Every single day of my life. Despite all the good I have done and continue to do. Despite my achievements. Despite the size of my heart. Despite all the good you see in my smile when you greet me. This is completely how I view myself. Damaged. For life.
I thought about posting the Live - A&E Version but decided to post instead an album cover. It is because I want everyone to clearly hear the lyrics of this exquisitely written poetry Alanis has shared. Her own vulnerability. And it spoke directly to me. It is the precise message I received growing up. And the tapes that play, rewind, reverse, and play again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and fucking again.
The first verse - my childhood. My father would boost, my mother would tear down. My father would drink. My mother would tear down. My father would give up. My mother would tear down.
The second verse - me as I view myself.  
The third verse - a warning. I guess for all who enter my life expecting the spectacular.
So to parents out there - your messages are strong. Your examples are powerful. What you say is never forgotten. I work hard on those internal messages. I give more than most. Not only to prove to you that I am worthy of your love and your time but that I can also believe, in my heart, that I truly deserve it.


"I am someone easy to leave
Even easier to forget",
a voice, if inaccurate
Again: "I'm the one they all run from"
diatribes of clouded sun
someone help me find the pause button...

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc.

"I'm too exhausting to be loved"
"a volatile chemical"
"best to quarantine and cut off"...

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc.

"I'm but thorn in your sweet side"
"You are better off without me"
"It'd be best to leave at once"...

All these tapes in my head swirl around
Keeping my vibe down
All these thoughts in my head aren't my own
Wreaking havoc.