zzzzz.......

Sleep has always come easily to me. When I have anxiety, however, I need to take benzos to sleep. If I take Xanax, I might get a three or four hour stretch - then it's really hard to get back to sleep. A hot candlelight bath or maybe reading a book until my eyes get droopy. That helps. And if it doesn't. well then there's always another Xanax. If I take Clonazepam or Klonipin, I can sleep through the entire night but no REM sleeping. No dreaming. And sometimes I keep sleeping in until noon. Doesn't feel as amazing though.
So it was almost 5 months of solid anxiety this fall. I felt like I was needing sleep aids all the time. Because not sleeping is not an option for a person with a panic disorder. It took a couple of weeks of slowly weaning off them but I am back in my natural rhythm. And I must say - it is wonderful. Totally changes my frame of mind. 
Every night I have is a blessed REM night.  Deep dreams that carry me away in my imagination. Far far away. And when I wake up I feel as though I have slept for days. It is amazing how a natural, dream filled sleep truly refreshes you. 
I always look forward to going to sleep. I think because my mind that's always going stops. Everything stops. The worrying. The thinking. The chatter. The spinning. And my brain cleanses itself with goofy dreams in color.
Speaking of dreams, most every night my visions tie to a story that makes no sense. They are kodacolor-ful and return in gentle wisps throughout my day. When I dream about my dad, he always leaves when my mother shows up. That can be disappointing because I miss him terribly and connecting at night is life a gift. My sexual dreams - well - I am keeping those to myself... But they happen often enough to spice up the darkness. And I have a strange work related dream where I change job locations but my mentor is always in it. Designer still am I. The ending is reoccurring trauma about having to leave without saying goodbye - and it is like reliving the great collapse of my life when my mental illness took me down.
Then I have several incredibly special dreams where I have traveled somewhere beyond the spiritual horizon. They have comforted me in my darkest times. Connected me with my transitioned friends and family. Even forecast my future. I can remember every single detail; the intricacies of the color, the patterns of fabrics, the softest of speech and more wonderfully, the way everything smells. Pushing the rewind button returns all of the sensations that made me feel safe.
So it's almost time to close my eyes again and drift off to my own piece of heaven. I wonder where I'll go tonight? Where ever it is, I must say I am glad it's drug free and that I am feeling at peace.