Anger

For the first time in a long time I am really angry. Seething. Furious. It has been a few weeks of under the surface kind of anger for me. All for a variety of different reasons.
Women aren't supposed to get angry. We smile a lot. We talk around in circles trying to keep that smile on our faces. It isn't always possible because it is a real emotion. And when you feel it, you just do.
I have beaten the sofa with a tennis racquet. But that isn't anything I want to do around my child at this moment.
In this breath of life, I've reached the ability to hold it in no longer. My initial thought was to go and get a mocha frappe at Albertsons. And drive. Really fast. To God knows where. Then I thought why? I think I'll just try to blog my feelings and hopefully they will dissipate and I will find my own solution.
It appears that I am constantly taking care of everyone in my life. And this is because I have allowed it to be that way. I accept full responsibility for this. Stupid fool am I. I do everything for everyone - truly from a loving place. I am bombarded with people who ask questions they know the answers to. People who want to use me to accomplish their hidden agendas. Selfish people who know exactly what they want from me but lie to my face about their intentions. Those who lack any sort of self esteem to see their worth and value. They just want a whipping boy. Someone to lash out at so they don't have to look in the mirror at their own faults. People who want to throw me under the bus so they look pristine. Take every single part of my trusting soul. Whatever happened to telling the truth? Being honest? Living an authentic life? They all want to appear so seemingly angelic. Every single one of them won't accept responsibility for their part in their miserable lives. I have allowed you all to make me sick. When really you are the ones weaving tales of deception in your minds. Every single last one of you.
And I ask myself, what's in it for me? I go around in circles thinking when you give little pieces of your heart away, isn't it karmic to have it come back somehow? I thought so. I really did. Family. Friends. Best friends. Acquaintances. I can't even believe how I allow myself to be used. As a scapegoat. A whipping boy. Lay my head on the stump and let you chop it off for me. Wendy - why don't you take the fall? Wendy - why don't you do everything for me so I don't have to think? Wendy - why don't you understand why I need to treat you this way? And they all say it in a loving way like they think it will make ME feel better. Fools. Idiots. Just remember that I may have been stupid enough to believe you, wrap myself around you, because my heart is so incredibly big and beautiful, but I am pretty smart.  I'll forgive. But I will never forget. Time to quit spinning and move on. Your loss. 
So you justify this because it's all about you?  You fucking around with me to meet your agenda? You are all selfish. Takers. Users. Liars. And this is the year of Wendy so you're out. OUT! OUT! 
I get to sit back and laugh because my part is honest. My part is sincere. I never use people. I never come from a selfish place. I am a loyal friend. I work hard. I do my best. And I accept responsibility, as I said, for being an absolute fool for sitting there and taking it all in from all of you.
No one can have their cake and eat it too. I am too special to be treated like that. By anyone.
So why don't every single one of you give me a break? Take a look in the fucking mirror and find each other to play with. Because I don't want you in my sandbox anymore. 
You don't get the benefit of my gifts. You don't get to play with my toys. You don't get to fuck with my mind. Because one of the things about this year is clarity and self protection.
And I am on the path to refilling my heart that all of you thinks is your own. Guess what? I am a treasure. I am the bestest friend you'll ever have. I am a beautiful soul. And God doesn't make junk. So I am going to carry on being myself. With better armor. And I am going to end with a poem by Mother Teresa - she is one of my mentors. When I get angry, I like to be reminded that in order to forgive I need to come from the purest, most Godly place. Because that is where every lesson learned leads me. Closer to God and my path to eventually being safe in His arms when my life on this earth ends.
There - I feel much better now.


You and God ~ by Mother Teresa 
People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self centered,
Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives,
Be kind anyway.
If you're successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies,
Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you,
Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight,
Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.
The good you do today, will often be forgotten.
Do good anyway.
Give the best you have and it may never be enough.
Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis;
It is between you and God;
It was never between you and them
Anyway....