refocusing...

It is clearly a mother's job. To sit in the school pick up line waiting to pick up your precious child. 
There it goes... my xylophone ringtone fills the car. "Are you there mama?" Well of course I am. I am always dependable and reliable and I love being with her. So it is a great way to claim a few moments of time while she is still young enough to want to speak with me.
By nature, everything I go through in life goes through a brain blender. I spin it around endlessly. Around and around. Hoping to make sense of it. So I can find the right place to file it. The right place to store it forever. And once I decide on that place, I work out all possible future scenarios regarding any life incident and figure out how I will deal with it. Pre-anticipation, I suppose, to alleviate the stress. Doesn't leave me much time to feel mindful. Live in the present.
So a friend from my group said something to me today. Something like -- "What would you say if you stopped at that gas station? Get a life? Honestly, the same could be said about you." It grabbed my attention immediately. I thought I had a life. But this event made me realize that I had put all my positive energy, my heart and soul, into celebrating the other person's recovery. None into my own. None celebrating myself. None celebrating the gift of my child. And I realized at that moment that I had given way too much of myself away. I had every red flag that has ever been created flapping itself in front of me. But I ignored all of them. I was focused on believing completely in the success of my prodigy. There was no room for that person to move. Talk about pressure on someone with a serious illness. So just as they thought I'd save them, they were also expending energy trying to save me. 
Now that doesn't remove that person's inability to accept responsibility for their own actions. Those are their own. And they could learn a lot from this if they choose to.
It became clear and obvious to me. I can say I am some sort of wonderful giver. But that's not completely true. I gave because I was also getting. So the benefit was mutual. And I should never have put all that pressure to stay well on the shoulders of someone who clearly was struggling with their own serious issues. They were not well and in looking back, obviously, I was unconsciously adding additional pressure to be perfect in my eyes. Not good recovery behavior.
Not from someone who claims to never judge.
So what will I say when that time comes? Here it goes... "How are you?" It is enough. And really, it is all I care about.   
So I now integrate this story into my life. I learn from it and can now file it. I truly want to move beyond it now. Because my illness requires me to be mindful. Present in every moment. No more what if's? because it is over and they have clearly moved on. They aren't thinking about my feelings nor should they.   
And the hurtful way I have been treated? Well that's the illness. The sickness. And it isn't the person I wish to know. Because life is too short not to cherish and appreciate the love you give or have received. If I wanted to hang out with sick people, I'd check myself in. Period. 
Into the file box it goes. No more judgment - whether I believe I don't do it or do, by default. I move forward. And I can be fully present once again to the people I love that offer me something in my life that have there for me. Validation. Respect. Truth. And, most importantly, to me, love.
And to my precious child who has seen me through the worst of this betrayal I thank you. Because without you, I would have been lost. I wasn't fully present for you and my heart breaks because it was Christmas. Remember that your mama makes mistakes and I simply got caught up in my own drama. It was foolish of me to now looking back at my lack of discernment. No focus. You are my priority and always have been. I know now that the validation and love for me has to come from me. No one else's matters so much. Love is not about what I can give. It is about who I am. Who I was created to be. I must give to me what I so easily give to others.
So I promise you to learn from this life lesson and work harder on that. I love you sweetie.
More than all the stars in the sky.