recovery

Not feeling too chipper today. However, in the darkness, I had a bright light of gratitude for the people in my group. The men especially for being strong appropriate role models for me. They offer compassion, love and support without breaking boundaries. And I have set solid ones in place to protect me. My walls are up again. There are moments when I look back and feel sad that I gave over my trust to care deeply for someone who never truly cared about my feelings. Someone who wanted to collect my vulnerabilities like coins and tossed them in the air at his convenience when he needed to save himself. No heads. No tails. Took not a moment to treat me with kindness or compassion. No gratitude. Only insults directed my way. Threats. The message? Wendy = Trash. That's why I am going to save myself. Wendy = Trash.
I never did anything to deliberately hurt anyone. I took in a friend who asked for support. And now every time I spin around I am jabbed by yet another stick. Anger. Hurt. Pain. Sadness.  
I hate how those emotions remove the time and energy that I would rather spend on sharing love, goodness, support and forgiveness.
So that's truly it.
Truly.
I turned a corner. Stronger than ever now.
Every once in a while a shadow appears that frightens me. But I will prevail. I am strong. Kick me again. And I get even stronger. I went into this to be someone who could role model recovery and I haved finally polished my wheels and am rolling back onto the tracks. I make mistakes. Everyone does. And I am forgiving. I am now there. I have stayed in forgiveness despite my heartache. I have forgiven myself. It is day by day. One day at a time. Life is good once again. Because I am reclaiming the control I relinquished to someone who promised to never to betray me - never walk away from our friendship. And if integrity, love, friendship and honesty are my guideposts, then I feel like I have stood my ground and responded justly.
By being truthful. By being myself. By coming to the table only with understanding. I  continue to honor by spirit by being myself. His own words to me? I was a friend to be treasured. A gift. And I believed and still believe that because it is the core essence of who I am. So in believing that, I am going to hold it positively and go after what is best for me. Soldier on. 
Be the best person I can be. Model that in my own recovery. And hold the hands of others who really want to get there. Because I am on my way. And I want to welcome anyone and everyone to join me.