damn mental illness

I can't tell if it's my mental illness, my age or my current circumstances causing this depression I am feeling. I said just last week that having a mental illness has been such a gift in my life because it has opened my eyes to a deeper sense of compassion, love and understanding of other people. But just because I have that, doesn't mean I have a tough exterior. I can hurt. I can feel broken. I can feel loss and great sadness - even when things in my life are truly not that bad. I am not some super Consumer or Peer.
I am not sure who is reading my blog at this moment. Sometimes I don't care. Today would be one of those days. Because I just need to emote. Get my feelings out. Everyone around me sees my bright sunshining smile. Good old happy Wendy - spreading her love across the town making everyone feel so much better about themselves. Or at least giving it the good college try.
But under that smile is a woman begging to feel loved and held. Treasured and revered. And she needs to find that in herself. Give it to herself. I have looked for kudos externally - all around me in fact. I work hard, try to be a good friend and ask little but friendship returned with a combination of honesty, goodness and compassion. Why is that so difficult for some people? Why is being real - just being yourself - such a hard thing to do for everyone? Why do we get caught up in the pain of our childhood that we allow it to shape the very person we become?
The thing with mental illness, is you just never know how things can shift and change. My psychiatrist said that being surrounded people with mental illness is like jumping into the dive tank with sharks that aren't supposed to bite. However, at any given moment, something can happen and you do get bit. So the best thing to do is go in well equipped and set some good boundaries - rather - a fence up between you and the sharks. I find this an interesting analogy. Because I work with people that have mental health diagnoses, I see this rarely. Most people have a great handle on their diagnosis. I know I do. I internalize a lot. But generally, I am predictable. I operate on consistency.
I have now had my first lengthy encounter with someone who has not been diagnosed but demonstrates all the symptoms of a Borderline Personality. Let me tell you what. That is a tough illness for the people on the periphery. The person who lives with this behaves this way naturally as a coping mechanism from childhood to protect themselves from vulnerability and abuse. And also the great fear that they will be alone or abandoned. Now I get the abandonment issue. But with BPs - there is nothing they will not do to anyone, including those they love dearly, to hurt them or love them on the broadest spectrum you can imagine.  Talk about painful to the person who loves a BP. As well - BPs tend to select codependents as their friends and mates because it is easier to manipulate them to their agenda. And their friends have enormous and generous hearts. Which would be me. Their friends will stand by and never abandon them. Which fits me also. So I am the perfect prey for a BP. I didn't realize I had codependency tendencies so I intend to explore this more. I just know what I am going through is understandable but incredibly painful.  Now that I understand it better, I can honestly say that I have empathy and compassion. But the bottom line is, mixed with alcohol BPs are dangerous. And I need to stay away. Because I will get eaten alive.
Such a sad way to lose a friendship. One I dearly value. A person I love with all my heart. But I cannot live in a lie. I can't not be myself. I can't keep defending my good and loving behavior. Furthermore, I won't be thrown under the bus by a BP because it serves them some useful purpose moments after they tell me what a treasured person I am in their lives.
So thankfully I am healthy enough to see it. Understand it. And move away from from.
It doesn't make the pain any less. But it explains a lot. Fuck this mental illness shit. Because it has hurt yet another special and loving person in my world and it makes me angry.
So do we blame the illness or the person for not acknowledging their issues? I think the person. However I don't think this person is fully aware of why they act the way they do. And it isn't my responsibility to make it clear for them. I can just continue to move about my life trying to be a good person, build people up and try to do the best I can. 
And I wouldn't change a thing about this special person I grew to care deeply about. Because it is their journey. Not mine. And it is not my business to interfere or judge. I must simply let go and let God.
And let go with great love and compassion.
I will miss you dearly sweet soul. And I only want the best for you. So whatever you chose in your life, know I send my infinite blessings and pray for your dreams to eventually come true. Whatever they are YOU choose.