She can shift from loving you to hating you as fast as you can snap your fingers. It is a difficult illness to figure out because the people who love borderlines often do a dance of confusion with them. To live with a borderline is almost asking for complete chaos. I suppose this is alright when you go into a relationship knowing what to expect. But when you are their child, you are powerless. There is nowhere to go.
Unfortunately, most people have little to no idea why their beloved acts the way they do. Reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About has a Borderline Disorder" has opened my eyes wide to what I endured as a child.
Borderlines often do not seek help because they don't see anything wrong with their behavior. Their actions are coping mechanisms that are learned during their formative years to cope - often from the abuse of their parents. And borderlines always... always... choose co-dependants to be in relationships with. This is so they are never left. They carry great fears. And abandonment is one of those fears.
"Exposure of oneself leads to toxic shame. A shame based person will guard against exposing their inner self to others, but more significantly, they will guard against exposing themselves to themselves."
NonBP's often feel manipulated and lied to by their BP loved ones. They are controlled and taken advantage of by silent treatments, no-win situations, threats often involving police, instant rages and other methods that are drastic and unfair. (Do any of you reading think this sounds remotely familiar?) It is really much like emotional blackmail and is unfamiliar territory to a nonBP.
These are desperate methods a BP takes to cope with their painful feelings or to get their needs met. And they carefully mask the pressure they are applying. They are clever and intelligent, often getting to know the person they need on an intensely intimate level. They are also very skilled at reading the person they select to comfort them - which often gives them the label of being "emotional vampires".
BPs often play a game of "tag, you're it"; when a BP tags you, they are unconsciously trying to transfer their own behaviors, feelings or traits to you. In doing this, the BP thinks they are defective in some sort of way so they transfer these thoughts to the nonBP. An example might be - "You made me have this affair because you're such a lousy wife" - when what they say to themselves is... "I had this affair because I think I am a lousy husband and don't deserve to be loved." BPs actually can accuse you of the very behavior they are actually doing. Then they use this imagined behavior to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions.
Sound complicated?
Try loving one. It is living in a state of constant confusion. Truly meant to drive you emotionally around the bend. And finally, you end up just as sick as the person who has the mental illness.
BPs traits include "splitting" - or black and white thinking. They deny flaws because to assume them would make them less than perfect. So their thinking would be this... "There seems to be a problem. It's not my fault. Therefore, the problem must be yours."
After game after game like "tag, you're it" - the nonBP may start to behave in a way that makes the BPs accusations true. And this is called projective identification.
You can see I am learning a lot here. And it makes sense to me. If you repeat a lie long enough, people will believe you. As you can see, a nonBP ends up feeling somewhat brainwashed - the messages are consistent, the nonBP is isolated in the relationship, add some form of abuse or addiction, get the nonBP to doubt that they know what they think or feel, keep them hopping, wear them down, add in some sleep deprivation and what do you finally end up with? And eventually, the BPs negative predictions finally come true. Pretty clever. Pretty scary. All at the same time.
Being in a relationship of any kind with a BP can be so emotionally exhausting that some people find it's not worth the effort to sustain it. As the nonBP increases their emotional dependence on the BP, everything begins to feel normal because there is little to compare it to. And then the cycle of abuse is unending. It truly becomes a self serving relationship to the BP and one that is abusive.
Finally - and I am only one third through this book - BP behaviors include verbal abuse, perceived manipulation and defense mechanisms that destroy intimacy and trust. It becomes unsafe for the nonBP who can no longer trust that their deepest feelings and innermost thoughts will be treated with love, emotion or care.
So this also describes the unexplainable behavior of my dear friend. It is no wonder I wandered around in a state of confusion the past two months. I could never explain the irrationality. Sure - I work with people I love who have mental illnesses so I expect some irrational behavior. But this was unexplainable irrationality. No cause from my end. Just the need for Consistency for my anxiety. And that simply wasn't possible.
There is great comfort in knowing I was able to maintain my sanity. It has been a painful learning experience. But the more I dive in, the more I learn about the differences in mental illnesses. It increases both my awareness and my level of understanding and compassion. And for my need to maintain solid boundaries to stay safe. To protect my empathetic heart.
I simply can't model recovery unless I am well. So in this learning, I intend to stay well.
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