closure

It didn't come easy. I had to fight for it. But I feel calm now. I feel at peace.
I drove up and parked and there you were.
Texting. Ignoring me. I waited. 
Should I? I was petrified. Exactly what I think you wanted me to feel.
See yah. You waved me off. But I needed closure.
I stopped you. And you returned. You gave me the three minutes I fought for.
Yes - I was abused. But I still needed closure. And I wasn't letting that go.
How could this be?
What could I have done?
And there it was.
You looked so hurt. In so much pain.
Wedding ring on. Scars from the ladder. Pale.
Truly the broken man you say you are. And I just wanted to hug you but your posture was frozen. Cold. Afraid. Defensive.
I was trying to do everything I could to save your job. It was important to me.
I need to stay away. Don't you get it? You never get it. 
Don't tell me how I feel... you said.
And you were right.
I guess I was echoing your words once to me.
Like it was yesterday.
Is he gone? Is he dead? Where did my best friend go? Who was this person?
And in your smile to me when I mentioned "Hope",
I saw a glimpse of what once was. My old friend came back for a moment.
The strong person in recovery I grew to respect and love.
The person on which I drew my empowerment to grow up past my stunted self.
That was your gift to me. A precious gift. The love was addictive because it helped me grow.
And as I told you, I missed my friend. I missed him a lot. Another smile.
Can we be friends again someday?
Not now. No I won't re-engage. But in time. A long time. A very long time.
Thank you for my Kindle back. By the way, what did you get me anyway, I thought.
Consider your anger borderline.
I will. I am seeing a counselor.
And I wish you great healing in what you want. Because I only ever wanted for you what you wanted for yourself. I thought I was there for you.
I was there for you too. Yes you were. I am so grateful.
I am more than a piece of crumpled trash to be tossed away.
And my actions were what I would have done for anyone I cared for.
I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry I wanted so much for you. I am sorry you are hurting.
Don't give up on your recovery. Come back. It is a relapse. You are beautiful in God's eyes.
Believe in your divinity. He is there for you.
No one wants me there at group. I am never coming back.
Yes they do.
No they don't. I know some people don't want me.
That isn't true. Well it would be your choice. But in helping others, you are healed. 
And there are people who need your help. See beyond your pain.
Believe that. And Jaime is helping me. And Jen has been there too.
You should never have shared with Jen.
I love Jen. I had to share. Let me go. I share where I feel safe.
Don't be afraid. No one will hurt you. No one wants to hurt you.
Please stop aggressing. It is scary and undeserving to me. Why do you want to scare me?
Because you don't listen. Listen to what? Your fear? Your rage? I know you wish things could be different. Because you almost jumped that edge. Almost...
I could feel that.
And you are a treasure. And I do think of you always. And I do love you.
Because I gave my heart to you. In but a whisper of time.

I just can't but you can hope.

Believe me it was real. It was real. Hope. Hold on to hope.

Yes you can.
And we will.
Good luck. Good bye. Let go. Let God. 
With love.