music

Alas - the beauty of music. I could never lose my ability to hear. It would be akin to shutting down the very sense that allows me to feel. To laugh, to dance, to twirl, to shed my tears, to sob in my hands, to remember special moments - moments that absolutely changed my life. And those memories, along with the song, are embedded as deep as anything I could ever feel. No - to lose my hearing - I would have to take my life. Because it really is the core of my existence and becomes more so as I get older and older.
There are the firsts and the lasts - the first time I kissed, the first time I drove my own car, the first time I nailed a difficult routine with my dance partner and won the competition, the first time I played with the Edmonton Symphony Orchestra, the first time I made love, the first time I really made love,  the first day of both my marriages, the first and finest passion I felt while sailing on a ferry between the islands in Seattle with a special someone, the first time I held my daughter, the first time I felt someone loved me truly - just thinking about these special times brings a rush of beautiful memories back and somehow validates that I have lived and loved. Felt great joy and great sorrow. That I am sensitive and compassionate. That I left a impression on all of the lives I have touched.
And then there are the songs that remind me of certain people. Just hearing them brings up emotion and memories of times since past and the fond hope of reunification. The songs of comfort when I have lost someone - or the songs that remind me of those beautiful souls I have lost to heaven for an eternity.
There are songs that remind me of my father and my mother. Of being a child. 
And for many of these songs, I can close my eyes and the tears flow freely. Allowing a peacefulness to enter that allows for calm and true relaxation.
Maybe my fondness for music and my true belief that music is therapeutic -  in a way where it can evoke things much deeper than what appears on the surface - has something to it. Don't you think you can play any song and chances are you could travel back to a time in your life where a memory of some kind comes rushing back?  With many songs I will most likely know the lyrics and can tell you where I was when I first heard it or what I was doing while it played that left a huge impression on my psyche.
So I cannot live without it. It would be much like losing my best friend. I often think how hard it will be to die not being able to hear what new music will be created by my favorite artists once I am gone. That probably sounds a bit strange, but may give you an understanding as to how powerful it has been in saving my life. It was my way to cope. It was my disassociating from the pain and reality of the difficulties of my younger years. And now it is my down comforter.
And finally - the louder some of it is - the better I feel it. I like it loud and crystal clear. Because it then resonates throughout my body - making my heart flutter. Altering my breathing. Changing my movements, albeit subtly. Shivers. And slowly I move. Inside. And sometimes out.
So know you all have a song. All of you whom I know and I love. And if I haven't nailed it yet, it is coming for you. Because if I love you - I never want to forget you.