daddy

house of sorrow. hmmm. Interesting song that when I listen to it I travel back to being a child. Watching you so unhappy. Telling me all the things you should have told your wife. Wondering why I wasn't enough to make you happy. I mean I loved to play baseball with you. I loved to sit on your lap and watch the Ed Sullivan Show - Topo Gigio. Or Red Skelton. And as I got older - you'd watch Monty Python's Flying Circus and as me why I thought it was so funny. And we'd laugh. You were my daddy and I loved you so much. I still love you endlessly and I always will.
The time your puppy Trixie died and you sat alone in the backyard and cried for days. I was so sad for you. It was strange - you just sat in the middle of the yard in a lawn chair. You didn't speak. Nothing.
The times you would sit me on your lap and teach my how to drive - as young as 3. I thought it was pretty special. I had to learn all the directions to get home. Turns out it was to help you because you would drink too much when you'd visit Grama and I would have to tell you how to get home.
The time I drove you home from Gordie and Pam's wedding and you were so intoxicated that you made me stop the car. You threw me out of the front seat into the back. And you drove until you passed out in the middle of a red light. I remember screaming so loud. You didn't hear me. I was 17 and I hid under the front seats of the car. I fit. I was only 85 pounds - just little. And you called me names I have never forgotten. Why can't I forget them. Fuck. I hate them and they hurt.
And then the next day, when you were all better, I was your prodigy. And I was the perfect child. I obeyed all rules. I excelled at everything I did. Top marks in school. Prodigy pianist. Scholarships. I did it all. The golden girl. The adopted child who never wanted to be sent back because I never believed I was lovable. All I wanted to hear was that you were proud of me.
When you got sick, somehow I began to shift the thought of you being my father to you being a human being. Full of faults like me. Frailties. With feelings. Someone who can makes mistakes. And it turned the table on our relationship. I was always there for you. Faithfully. Every moment until you passed. And you held my hand, and felt my love. You squeezed it and I knew it was goodbye. If I could have had your last 3 years of fatherhood for your entire life with me, I think I wouldn't have had so much damage to repair. 
I am afraid of everything Daddy. It's as though you brought me up to be strong and I am failing miserably at it. No doubt you would have been ashamed when I fell apart in 96. Or maybe the "new" you would have felt great compassion. I don't know. You brought me up as your son, not your daughter. It was difficult to be weak in front of you. Was I really ever myself? Why didn't you save me from my mother? Why didn't you save yourself? 
You did everything you could to give me everything you could. You worked hard. You made sure I had a great education. I never felt I went without anything and we certainly were far from rich in every sense.
Thank you for the love you were able to give me Daddy. I always knew you loved me. I knew you held so much sorrow and pain. I knew you wanted better for yourself - you just didn't know how to find it. You were loyal to the end. And I do value that in you. Your handshake and word meant something and you never let a friend down. Never.
I think sickness was your only way out. It makes me sad to have lost you at such a young age. You were only 7 years older than my husband is now, when you died.
It would be your 84th birthday. Writing to you just helps me get my feelings out Daddy. I love you and I miss you terribly. Thank you for bringing me the poinsettia - I know it was an awful day for you. I loved your thoughtfulness. Thank you for taking care of the mouse in my house. And thank you for my first new car - for giving me my first loan knowing I would pay it back. Thank you for coming to all my events. You were always there for me. Thank you for standing up in Grade 5 when I got top marks in school and for saying, "That's my girl!". I have never forgotten that. And thanks for not drinking whenever I asked you not too. You heard me when I found the courage to speak my truth.
I know I will see you again. I do in my dreams. Be the first one there for me OK? I love you Daddy - I just wish we could have a piece of cake together. Just know I wish you the happiest birthday and I will never forget you. I don't break promises either....