grieving

Certainly we have all experienced the loss of a loved one. It is surely what comes to mind when we think of the word grief. Grieving is allowed, in fact absolutely encouraged, when we lose someone we love so dearly. 
What many of us don't realize is that grief can take many more forms. It also comes in waves when we least expect it. I truly believe that I have been grieving since I suffered the loss of my career through illness in 1996. My entire persona was defined by my ultra-successful career in commercial design. Although not one to brag, I was certainly one of the top designers in my part of the country, having completed jobs one at my age might only dream of. And my salary reflected my success. I was able to travel, buy a home, purchase vehicles, possessions, a truck and beautiful new camper - renovate my home and build a beautiful new office...  I was certainly on top of the world.
At that time, I felt strong, capable and free. It was a special time in my life. It felt as though everything I had worked for was moving in high gear and had shifted into cruise control. I felt stable, strong and safe.
And then I lost myself. I gave myself away out of love. I thought my dreams had come true. It was then I realized I couldn't trust the words I'd longed to hear all my life. And it was then, my life changed. I made changes for all the wrong reasons. And I would make decisions, based on my health and my need for care from lead poisoning, compounded with generalized anxiety and panic disorder from not knowing what was really wrong at that time. Having to ask for help to recover over time was a huge thing for me to do. I had never felt vulnerable and the care I needed was all consuming. So in having to relocate to recover, I had to give up all the stability. The very definition of who I thought I was. And I had to become a new person. The lovely woman I am today.
So yes, I do grieve at times for that old me. The one who thought she had the world by the tail. The one who was ultra successful. The girl who felt empowered to conquer the world. The self confidence to tackle any projects, take on new risks, leap into the unknown and live by chance.
A part of me disappeared in that experience. I do truly believe I am a better person having survived it all. My life is so much richer and fuller now and I am able to help others empower themselves when they face difficult situations alone. Out of it all, I have to keep telling myself that I am strong. Despite the loss of self-confidence and my need to rely on others at that time, I have completely returned to the incredibly capable and confident person I once was. But the residual damage remains. Sometimes the false sense of incapability returns in my rear view mirror. It haunts me. My newly adopted panic disorder (and I say new because it is less than 15 years old) is like a cloud of thunder waiting to clap at any moment. I don't know what triggers it. But I know having survived this journey of my life to this date, I have been molded by God to show others that the possibilities when you encounter grief and are forced change are endless. And who knows... you might find that elusive pot at the end of the rainbow. I did in so many ways I never ever imagined.