trust...

I have never trusted easily. I used to live by the model, "trust until you're given a reason not to." I tried that for quite a time. It was really hard but I did find that most people didn't want to disappoint me. Because I was a leader - director - of several employees, I had to gain their trust. That seemed easier than letting down my barriers to trust them. In a book I am reading called, "The Courage to Trust", I am learning a lot about where my issues have come from. It all begins with the Child. Then enters the Protector's voice. And finally the Adult's voice. Ideally, you want to put the Adult back in charge. Because, as I have found, my trust basics come mostly from my Child and Protector. Do we ever stop learning and growing?

The Child in us reaches out in tenderness and love and pulls away from discomfort and pain. Because children are not intellectually indiscriminate, it can be difficult to distinguish between positive and negative.  Our nervous system can amp up really high when our child self becomes afraid of someone we love very deeply. This is a place I go often and is what I believe is the root cause of my anxiety. Actually - it probably is ALL of my anxiety.

For instance, an example - I will await the text of a friend whom I dearly love who promised to contact me. My Adult self is excited and can't wait to hear how she's doing. My Child self tells my brain that it won't happen because I don't matter enough. She'll deliberately forget me to teach me a lesson. Not unlike my mother. It is really a silly battle. And finally, my Protector is building all the walls I need to so I am not hurt if I don't hear. Impossible really. My Protector is telling me to take anti-anxiety medication. Now she has always contacted me but once when she fell asleep. But it's the "once" that sets up the tone for the fear and negative reaction. Made harder by a promise.

The remedy? The serenity prayer. To let go and let God.

Our sense of belonging in this world is quite fragile for all of us. The Child will feel panic while the Adult understands and puts everything in perspective.  The Child's angst can quickly overcome the Adult's rationality.  It is indeed like powerlessness. Scary. Holy cow. Wish I could make other people understand how I am wired inside.

The Protectors job is to remember ALL the bad stuff. I don't like this part at all.  It locks away the upsetting memories, often for years - until something triggers their release - like flashbacks really.  The Protector seeks instant comfort. We often first acknowledge the Protector by our inability and feeling of powerlessness to make positive changes. So your Child wants comfort and your Protector keeps reminding you of how you've been done wrong. AMping you up and scaring you for no reason out of your bloody mind.

It is hoped that as we grow, we can move into the adult place. That takes higher self confidence and mature thinking. Empathy and compassion for those who have hurt you. Forgiveness for yourself and others, releasing yourself from past pain and shame.  Assuming responsibility for what happens in your life by cause and effect.  Accepting that there are many sides to every story - you want to hear other's perceptions. The ability to release yourself from bad habits and walk away immediately from people who continue to harm you. And finally, you must recognize that you will survive and learn from your most difficult times. 

The Adult is the guardian and inventor of your life's choices. It is the hallmark of emotional resilience. Your Adult can develop real faith. It can pick up the pieces of mistakes in the past, learn from them and move on.

And this, my friends, is what we ALL must work on. Most especially me!