the gift of help when you need it

So it has been a horrible week with my mental health issues. I should be in Detroit celebrating the release of my friend Jody Ortiz' book regarding Raye Dawn Smith's case - the wrongful conviction I advocate so fervently for. Disappointed of course, but there is absolutely no way I could have made that trip. It would have taken me down.
This anxiety and panic is akin to the skin of an onion being pulled off one layer at a time. I try to see it all as growth. That is really hard to do when you are in the middle of your illness. All you think about is the fear of sinking to a lower level. And then what? And you worry about the people who love and depend on you, most especially your child, seeing you in a constant state of panic and confusion. Shaking hands. Tears in your eyes. Red nose. Mascara running. 
I have learned through this experience to be honest with my daughter, who now views this as mama's illness - no different than a bad case of the flu - except mama cries a lot and needs to get rest and remove herself from conflict or potential anxiety. So every time this happens, I am taken to a newer and deeper understanding of myself and the difficulties I have been through in my life on this planet. And I receive a clearer picture of the devastating damage a parent can do to what should be their most precious gift, their child. 
The best thing I have done is tell my child that this illness has absolutely nothing to do with her. It is documented that children believe they cause their parent's emotional and mental health problems. So this alleviates the guilt she might unconsciously assume. She thanked me for reminding her of that because she just wants me to be happy. Of course!  That is what love is all about.
I don't see myself as an easy person to get along with at all. I think I am actually quite a difficult person because I am incredibly complicated. Anyone who wishes to spend time with me on an intimate level - a best friend or confidant - has a hard time convincing me of their sincerity. I do not trust easily. I am on unreasonably and unrealistic high alert. Sometimes ridiculously so. I have narrowed my friendships down to only those I feel I can give 100% to. And I love to be surrounded by giving and loving people. It narrows down my life challenges. Makes life easier and less stressful for me to navigate.
All this to say that I am surrounded by the best of the best in my life. The support that continues to help me get through this difficult time is some of the best I have ever received. My close circle of intimacy moved in to give me that healthy hug. And I am forever grateful to them all.