Now all of this is not true. Most especially since I have worked so hard at my wellness. Talk therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, EMDR, hypnosis, anti-depressants and finally anti-anxiety drugs. I think I have read every anxiety book, done every available class and have tapes I listen to when I feel that anxiety coming on. I also have friends who do their best to empower me with positive messages that help me feel better about my abilities in everything I do. That really helps - except I cannot seem to find my passion.
The greatest dependency I feel in life is that on other people. The fear of being unable to care for myself from that time is difficult to overcome. And often it forces me to stay in situations or behave in such ways that take more of my power to be the adult I know I am, away. That makes me sad and is definitely something I am really working at to heal. I have such a deep fear of homelessness and living on the street. I have no idea where this comes from but it is very real to me. And scary. I am also terrified of being abandoned. But that is the little girl in me who has grown up and cannot be abandoned. Because I should be enough right? So what is the real problem, Wendy?
I try the best I can to communicate my needs to the people I love dearly. Often I don't feel heard. I don't understand that because I think I am clear. It makes me feel sad and unimportant. Disregarded. I also care way too much for other people - thinking that they will, in turn, care a lot for me. Not necessarily true, I am afraid. People are, by and large, selfish creatures and I truly don't believe anyone cares as much for me as I do them with the exception of my daughter. That may sound ridiculous but it is demonstrated by their actions. And sometimes their words. So I face the reality of that everyday. Should it matter? Or better still - why does it matter to me? I need to get rid of my expectations completely. I have no right to expect anything from anyone.
I guess it is that love centered part of me that grieves. Needing to be validated. Needing to feel loved and cared about. Needing to feel heard. Needing to feel wanted.
So I may look like a great confident package and by and large, I truly am. But unfortunately we all have issues - and these would be mine.
Just a little lost girl, in a big girl's body, looking for a love that'll last forever.
Time to grow up little girl. Be tough. Stop looking for what's never going to be there. Tend your own garden. Turn the impossible off. And live the possibilities.
Because you do matter. To you.
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