quandary

I used to like puzzles - a good old quandary. They made my life interesting and exciting. My aunt used to always call that part of me the girl who "live on the cusp" - those bad old Gemini twins. They force out the adventurous side of me. The naughty girl. The one who loves a good adventure. They bring the spice to my life. Lots of excitement. But equally as much as the endorphin rush comes the OMG - what did I just do?
I am feeling really good about myself - finally - after a long period of being locked in a box. I think it is almost like a rebirth of sorts. Finding my true self under all the garbage mental illness has laid on my shoulders. The weight is coming off effortlessly. I am seeing joy and experiencing happiness is ways I never thought possible again. Good old Gemini twins. Should I credit them? Hmmm. Or should I take the credit with the poking and prodding of people who love and care about me? You know, a lot of people have tried over the years but no one has been successful until now.
What do they say? When the student is ready, the teacher appears? I guess two students were ready and both of us empower each other to be better people. It is really nice to watch the transformation. Slowly but surely, good things are happening for both of us and it is nice to be able to enjoy my own success while I see some success on the other side. :)
Now the questions arise. As the weight keeps coming off and as I see the good changes happening in my life, I become fearful because the Taurean in me digs my heels in, afraid of change. Really afraid to take the steps I need to to further enhance my life. To return to the big girl self I am. The adult afraid to do anything. I was asking that friend what they saw in me... Here are the words.

"As I have been telling you all along, you are much smarter than me and you are wasting your immense talents. Everything she said about you is so true - The weight loss, the clothes, the makeup. And it's not because of me. It's because of what you have become aware of again - you are a beautiful, smart, and talented woman. You let yourself be dragged down by your breakdown. Many did nothing but cruelly exacerbate the situation. No one did anything to lift you up.

That's where I came in. I saw a beautiful and fat woman who was doing so much for others. I could just "feel" your intelligence. I knew very little of your home life, but knew it could not be good. So I imposed myself on you. Kept telling you how smart you were and the weight was a minor issue. I am not taking any credit for this, but I have a need to help people and, my dear, you needed it. When we went on that walk - about a block away from where we took our training, you stopped, bent over with your hands on your knees and cried that you were so fat and in terrible shape. I remember putting my arm around you and telling you look how far you've walked, and the weight can come off."

Simple. But it motivated me. Don't ask me how. I guess it was enough to make me see myself as something more valuable than someone who drives a van up and down the valley, who works countless jobs trying to help others see their own value (of course never seeing my own)... don't misunderstand. I love being Kami's mama. But I need to find my own purpose and be the vessel that God created me to be. Not that slow suicidal person eating themselves to death because I don't see what there possibly is to love. It makes me sad to feel that way.

So now I work on Mindfulness to help me with my anxiety. As soon as I get into that space of fear, I stop and find something at this very moment to focus on. Something right in front of me. And I think of it's beauty until the feelings go away. I honor the little girl who was abandoned. I tell her she is safe because I will look after her completely and keep her safe. And I also then say goodbye to the feelings because they don't belong with me anymore. I am worthwhile. I am worthy. I deserve love. I deserve to state my feelings without fear of rejection or abandonment. I can't be abandoned anymore. I am 49 years old.

So to my friend I say thank you and I love you more than words can express. You paved the path to a new experience for me and even though it can be difficult, it is full of wonderment and excitement. I can't wait to see what lies beyond the next curve.