hi my little dolly darling....

I am playing a song called, "House of Sorrow" written for a compilation called "In the Nursery".  This is the 1927 video you see above. Ignore the video Wend. 

When I hear it honey, it brings up very painful feelings of being left alone. Left alone so many times. However, sweetie, there is this beautiful melody underlying the sadness of the song. If I can post it I will so that others can hear how there is such hope in the song. And you held on strong to that hope of finding the love you needed to get through everything you had to endure.

I found this song while searching for information on the Holocaust. It stopped me in my tracks because it took me back to a time when I felt so alone in my bed, afraid you would get hurt. And it reminded me of Sally telling me never to discount what you went through. Like being strapped to a movie theatre seat watching Holocaust movies. I must fully accept what happened to me, the abuse, and then say to you, "I am taking your hand and leading you to a better life. One you deserve. Filled with love and laughter. One where your heart will sing. Laughter and joy everywhere." 

Honey, you know, you only deserved to be loved so deeply. You were so sweet and kind to your mommy and daddy. You just wanted them to love and accept you. You danced so much. Played so happily. You wanted all this attention for being a good wee girl. And you were the best you know - always getting the best grades, always impeccable manners. You loved your neighborhood friends. You protected your friends and didn't hurt anyone willingly.

Sure - you played little pranks around the house. You made your share of gaffs just to get noticed. But it was hard to get noticed because there was so much fighting going on around you. It made it really chaotic for you to just have an imaginative, fun little life.

I want you to know that everyday I thank God for your strength. There was a time when I was ashamed of you because I thought you were punished because it was all your fault. But now I know better. A mother is love. A father is love. Both need to provide love and care to protect and nurture their child. Unfortunately, this wasn't to be for you. However, you did receive some wonderful lessons and empowerment to be able to help others who have suffered similarly to you. And that is the gift. Truly.

I am going to keep writing to you wee one. Because I don't think you believe I am really here for you. That is evidenced by all the anxiety I am feeling because I know you're in there telling me I am not strong enough. Well I am telling you back that you need to let that go and let me be your parent. Because I do a great job with my own daughter and I can do a great job for you if you'll let me try. I certainly will do my best and you know I will reach out when I need help for you and for me. Because we deserve it.

I love you little Wend and I know this is a tough time for you. You are missing your daddy terribly and right now, every year, you have such a hard time knowing the one man who you believed would always be there for you is gone.

Guess what Janey, he is. He is just in another form. He hears you cry and he wants to make it better. He just can't. And somewhere in your heart you know that he would have stopped what was happening if he really knew.

Don't be ashamed. I can feel your shame because now you are thinking you have shared too much with someone about the things that happened in your childhood. He is safe Wend. He loves you. He is safe. Breathe and stay calm. He is safe. You are safe with him. You are safe. He won't hurt you because he loves you. Truly. He does. And he is not going to abandon you. He promises to be there for you all the way through this. You just need to find the confidence to take his hand and let him lead. You will be alright. Time. Sweetheart. Time.