richard

Richard George - my father's name. After his cousin who was killed by the branch of a falling tree and the King of England. My dad was born in 1926 - August 2nd. Same birthday as many of my friends. I get to celebrate his birthday with them every year.
Dad - I know you hear every word I say. Because you respond like a soft breeze across my face and you remain there always. Not in a physical way like people desire, but something strongly attached to my heartstrings. Lately, I have thought about you a lot and everything you went through with mom. How hard your life was and how you struggled. I am not going to make excuses for you dad. Because you wouldn't want me to do that. I certainly think you carried those old fashioned values a bit too far. I mean - why would you sacrifice happiness in life to hold an agreement that never worked for you? I am struggling to understand how you swallowed your pride. I am struggling with having lost you in 1993. And how at that time it seemed like such a victory for you to be able to release yourself and fly. You were so scared. And I held your hand. You squeezed my hand in a final good bye. I kissed you and your spirit gently lifted and rose away from me. And I remember smiling and sweetly saying goodbye and that I would love you forever. And I will, and I have, and I still do daddy.
We shared a lot together. I know it was inappropriate in many ways that I kind of became your best friend. A child should never know all that I knew about you,  my father. All your intimate secrets. In a strange way I felt honored but had no idea of the burden and what it would cost me physically and emotionally with your wife. She is still the same daddy. No change there. So choosing freedom was a smart choice for you.
I wonder where you are and if you think about me? Do you miss me like I do you? So hard to imagine. And so many years has passed since we said goodbye.
There are many sweet memories of the things you did to celebrate me in my life. You always stood up and cheered for me. You were proud of my accomplishments, truly. I must say I could count on you to celebrate every big event in my life. You loved the holidays. You loved to create that special magic that I continue to create to this day. Remember trying to convince me that Santa was out back? That was a difficult one to pull off with a 13 year old but you did it. It really has been a hard journey for me and I have worked really hard trying to rise above the difficulties my sensitive mind was bombarded with.
You know I have met a really special person who I have been sharing stories of you with. It is really lovely to feel your spirit in me moving through this person. The struggles are no different than yours but I am trying to relate your story to impart courage, self respect, joy and love - all things that left you when you could not make the one decision you so wanted to make. A handshake and a promise was enough to torment you for your entire life.
It makes me sad that you will never physically meet my daughter. You'd love her. She's really special. And she'd love you. Same with my friend. You'd find a kindred spirit there. And you'd get along well in the laughter department. Same kinds of joys and sadness you both feel. Total lack of love and loss of self respect in some ways. I am working hard in the empowering department and doing what I do best daddy. Love Love Love. You know. You used to say that all the time. She gives away that great big heart and someday someone will find you and appreciate it and love it like it deserves. Maybe that is coming for me. What do you think? I know you can see everything in a way I can't.
Life has been really scary for me daddy. Really scary. You used to be here to help me go through all the worst of the worst. Certainly you made some huge misjudgments where I was concerned but I do know that it was all from a loving and protective place.
I pray a lot about just wishing you back for a day. So you could meet the special people in my life. Hug them and whisper something wonderful in their ears about me. I know you remain proud of me despite my lack of pride in my accomplishments currently. Funny thing is - I have accomplished so much. Helps being smart. Helps that you always told me there was nothing I couldn't do. I am never afraid to go after things that might be difficult just to be happy.
Your life role modeled that for me. I go after happiness because I saw you have so little of it. And strangely enough, the sadness of watching your pain has made me fight for more for me. Because you always told me I deserved it. I won't give up until I find it daddy. I just won't.
So can I ask you a favor? Can you send a little luck and good fortune my way?  Can you hold me at night and rock me gently and tell me everything is going to be alright? Can you protect my friend and tell them they deserve a better life of love wrapping itself around them? Because I believe in it daddy. You told me if I wish it to be so and invest all of my best efforts into it, nothing can stop me from reaching my dreams come true. And I have always believed that. Help me make this happen for me in this lifetime. I really desire peace, love and laughter. And I feel I have finally found it at long last. Guide me and direct it into my arms for the rest of my life. Because it's all I want daddy. After that, everything else will fall into place easily. I know it.
You know daddy, I love you more than all the stars in the sky. I have never forgotten you - how could I? You're up there and there is incredible comfort in knowing you will be the first smile I greet when I make the journey to whatever is next. I miss you so much that sometimes my heart hurts. It would be amazing to just feel your safety and protection all around me again.