my mother's birthday

It is October 22nd - my mother's birthday. She's 84.  This should be a day I should be so excited to celebrate with her. But she has made that not so. However, I have loved my daughter so deeply and unconditionally that I know she will celebrate mine with me. And I look forward to many of them.
I think I have had this amazing gift of a daughter whom I love with all my heart and soul. And I have had this second chance at "mother". Amazing. I would die for her.
But my mother and I - well - it's a long story.
And I am going to write that story because it needs to be told to heal me. I deserve to be healed from the wounds of my childhood and be free to live and to love. Love is waiting for me. It is real. It is true. And I know it is out there for me if I can freely open my heart.
I will move through the anxiety to free myself from the fear of abandonment that cuts me to the core.
I am strong and I have gotten to this place struggling but surviving. And I will make it. I will. Because love surrounds me and is waiting for me. I know that. I feel that. I believe that. A little birdie told me so.
And God - Tonight I send you a prayer of special intention. Please send your light and love - your infinite strength and wisdom - your protection and care to my special friend. Because he really needs you and he needs to know we all see him on the path to great things. There is an abundant future of love and joy awaiting him once he frees himself from the bondage of pain and rage. Of being punished for being human. Surround him with love. Pure and sweet love. Whisper in his ear that I am behind him and proud of him. We all are. Whatever he does to improve his life and his self-esteem.
Time for a Xanax. I don't think I am sleeping tonight. Lots of relived painful memories. Lots of uncontrollable worry. No child should ever have to endure what I did.