Randy...

My beautiful baby brother is getting married tomorrow. I love him so much. And he has waited a long time to get married. I wanted to be there with him. Of all times to not have two nickels to rub together to get up to Canada and be with him and his bride Michelle. I think it is weighing heavily on me because I am very sad about it.
Randy and I were both given up for adoption by our birth mother when we were born. My birth mother never told me about my siblings. I guess she felt ashamed. But when she learned of the province opening up all adoption records and that I had located my two brothers (and later two sisters), she was furious. She told me I had to make a choice. Between him (my siblings) or her. I couldn't understand this request. I had never had a brother before. I dreamt of having one someday always knowing it could never be possible. How could I let my little brother go? Not a chance. So she told me we could only be friends (which also did not make sense because I thought we were) and I haven't heard from her since. That was well over 5 years ago. I guess 20 years of relationship was easy for her to throw away not to mention the fact that she had withheld information, in essence lied to me, for that long. At least I was truthful with her when I found them. I like honest relationships. No lies. No stories.
Randy and I have shared similar painful experiences in our youth. Both alone feeling abandoned. Both having to raise our own parents in a strange way. Both feeling completely alone with nothing familiar around us to make us feel like we belonged. Meeting each other made all that so much more clear. We had each other finally and it just seemed to make everything right. There was a reason we were born. And we were perfect and enough - exactly the way we are.
There is truly nothing like meeting someone who looks like you, smells like you, acts like you, laughs like you - IS you! - in the male form. Randy is my brother without the moustache in the photo FYI...
I remember our first night of meeting just like it was yesterday. We went for a drive in SW Calgary in a convertible I had rented. The top was down and we both held each other and looked up at the stars. It was like this amazing gift was given to us both from God. I had never felt so connected to anyone or anything in my entire life. The moment was perfect and I will cherish it for ever. Magical. I had family. A real live blood relative who was my match in this great big scary world. It was the safest I'd felt in my entire life. Protected. Secure. I'd never be alone or feel alone again.
And now I will miss this, the most important day of his life. How do you think that makes me feel? I am having such a hard time with it. I am in a lot of pain over it. It makes me incredibly sad inside. My life's mantra is all about love. Sharing love. Giving love. Being all about love.
And I cannot be there for this moment of love. To be present as he confesses his love. I have missed all the significant events of his life. Certainly not by my doing. Just because of this situation we have found ourselves in.
How can life be this unfair? I am entitled to feel sad about this. I will spend the rest of my life trying to make up for the moments in his life that I have missed. Not intentionally but because I never even knew he existed. Why did my birth mother take away my right to know my brother when he was younger? I'll never know. Perhaps I could have entered his life at a time when I could have really made a difference. Could I have boosted his esteem and shown him a path of clarity so he wouldn't have to feel so invalidated? I'll never know. So many what ifs. And I really needed him too. But I didn't know he was even there. 
Truth is - it simply is what it is. I love him in this - the here and now. Being away is hard. He knows why. I know he is hurt. But I can't change my personal reality. I can't make something happen that can't for me. And I have to quit beating myself up over it because it is out of my hands. It is in God's hands. 
I wrote him a long letter. Told him how proud I am of him. Told him just how very much I love him. And that I will pause during the wedding, look up into the sky and give he and his new bride my blessings for love, joy, contentment and peace as they move through life on their exciting new journey.
Randy - you will never know how much being your sister means to me. And you will never know how much I wanted you. How much I prayed for a brother just like you.
Happy wonderful life dear sweet little boy. I miss you and love you terribly. Have an amazingly wonderful day tomorrow. And know you are both held in esteem and with much love and gratitude.
Time for some tears now...    xox