Energy

It has been a long while since I have written. I really miss blogging - I think it keeps me in a good space emotionally just to write. It creates a balance in my life of both the wonderful and the dreadful. And it simply feels good to get everything off your chest.
My life is basically good in every which way. I have a loving family - a beautiful child and husband whom I adore. I have my health although truly it would be great to lose a few pounds (what woman doesn't think that way right?). However, my body is strong and works fabulously. I love my work and advocacy projects, all which I truly believe have done just a wee bit better with my heart, soul and effort. Of course, there is never enough time in the day to get everything done. However, lately something feels like it is missing and I can't pinpoint what it is.
I advocate very strongly for mental health awareness and issues in our community. People here have suffered greatly with the economic collapse. Our priorities as a country were focused elsewhere instead of on our own citizens who have suffered enormous losses - most of which exist in middle class communities like the people whom I live amongst. There have been 7 completed suicides in 8 weeks and many more unsuccessful attempts and it is taking a toll on this area is such a large way that is unexplainable. Many of these families were losing benefits, homes, jobs and small children have been left without their parents. It is horrific. They are closing our local health and welfare office due to state budget cuts which will hurt the people it serves enormously. Who will drive two hours when they have no money or car to get there? The only good news is that it is springtime so the snow is clearing and families who have lost their homes can live much easier in our mountain campgrounds. Winter is horrible when there isn't a homeless shelter for miles.
Perhaps I take too much of this on my shoulders. I feel like I carry the weight of the world sometimes as I listen endlessly to the stories of loss, sadness and tragedy. It is something I do because I want to be that ear in times of such grief and it is part of my job. However, it seems to be taking it's toll on me emotionally. I find myself grieving for something I don't recognize. The hurt translates into more and more tears and I am concerned about it because it isn't my personal grief. Not that I haven't experienced my own losses this year because I really have. However, I feel as though I have grieved my way through them and come to a resolve that is healthy. I am ready to move forward. The stroke my husband had has been difficult for our family. While he is almost fully recovered, I often notice he forgets things or isn't really hearing what I am saying and it frustrates me. I know it isn't him at all however I am not sure how to work on it with him without creating alarm. I simply want things to be the way they were 3 years ago when we were almost completely caught up from our financially devastating move from Canada. Life looked so much more promising then.
My husband has never felt completely fulfilled with his career and I have encouraged him from every angle to create the change he might wish for to make a move that may make him happier. However, he lacks the courage to change anything. So it is as if I am stuck with this attitude of him never feeling completely fulfilled with his life. I realize it has nothing to do with me but being the type of person that has always put my energy into seeing the happiness of others, it does wear me down. I can't blame him at all for any of this because we are all responsible for our own happiness. I am simply a go getter and we are not going anywhere fast while he continues his struggle to discover what over the past 20 years holds him back. Snap out of it already don't you think?  
I need goals and a direction to go from here. And I am afraid to take those steps without consultation from him  because I truly don't know what's going to work for him as he struggles with his work and his wellness. The beauty of our partnership is that it really doesn't matter on some level because it doesn't change our love and friendship. But I can't spin my wheels without a sense of direction.
Love and partnerships are difficult. I have lost the vision of my future goals due to this economic downturn. I feel sometimes as if they are now unachievable so I look for a similar, scaled down but satisfactory vision of my future. And I get so scared of losing Gary because then what would I do? I guess I would go on but I don't want to be without my life partner. I am much too young to be facing this now. One hand in childhood with Kami and the other in the social security age of my husband. I am not even 50 yet but I feel so old sometimes. I don't want to deal with these grown up issues. I just want to go back to when I could believe that things can be secure and safe. Is that to much to ask?
Will it ever be that way again?