Stupid Angst...

So today something occurred that made me realize that I am completely over sensitive to loud voices; arguments, shouting. The deepest part of my incredibly sensitive self cannot tolerate this unkindness and lack of respect in any way.

Because I am very in tune to the feelings of others, I cannot imagine making my point by being disrespectful or demeaning another person. Thoughtful, intelligent discussion really is the best way to communicate your point. A woman whom I work with (not for) is elderly and deaf (she has hearing aids but will not wear them). I have never had an personal issue with her and we have always gotten along very well. We are all in the process of developing this year's fund raising event.

The other board members are my age or elderly. This woman took issue with everyone's ideas. As the meeting progressed, she became more and more aggressive. Unfortunately, I was to present the last issue which involved invitation printing. Because I am a designer, I often do these things for my select non-profits free of charge. I must say that I am quite good at it which is a reason I make my living through creative endeavors. My creativity, however, was not at issue. Because they choose a postcard format, they have little space for their verbiage - yes - a lot! So the typeset gets smaller with the more they say. A larger card is not an option they want to consider. Always limitations to work within.

Well - this woman said something and I asked her to repeat it because I didn't hear her clearly (crowded coffee shop and very noisy). She stood, postured me and started screaming. I was absolutely horrified. I can't remember anyone ever doing this to me short of my mother. I made a time out sign with my hands. I think my brain shut down. To that - she just got louder. Nastier. More disrespectful.

My instinct was to get up and leave but I knew none of this had anything to do with me. It was all her stuff. However, I got so angry I wanted to hit her. The louder she got, the more I wanted to hurt her. To shut her up. To tell her she was a nasty old cow. However, I have always been taught to respect my elders. So I bit my tongue and let her go on her tirade. I quit talking because I realized she couldn't hear me and had decided that she was going to do whatever it took to make her point. Hmmm... that she couldn't read small print any longer? Is this my fault? Certainly not having outlined the limitations clearly.

When she was done, I was so angry I stopped talking for the rest of the meeting. I froze. I wanted to cry. Crying is not an appropriate response to anger. I didn't want to appear weak. So I shut up. I let her bully me. Of course, she looked like a fool. But when she left, I looked at the other ladies and said that my time was more valuable than working with this ungrateful and nasty old woman and that I had enough stress let alone this on top of it.

So - now that I have allowed her to ruin my day, I realize that the upset stomach and pain I feel is the little girl in me who watched her parents fight nightly at the dining table. I have chosen a peaceful life where I can just discuss my emotions and hope to be heard. I am simply not into that kind of madness. I am all for constructive criticism and honest, open discussion. But I will not sit through another tirade like I did today. I will set the boundaries I had no power to set as a child.

So now comes a peaceful confrontation. Is that possible? One word is calm. The other is aggressive. I do believe in saying nothing until you have to right words. What I will hope for is a way to forgive this woman for what felt like a personal attack so I can move beyond it to the greater lesson. And I will cross my fingers that someone puts me down before I ever treat another human being the way I was treated today.