Purging

I believe that unresolved emotional pain will continue to regurgitate itself in ways we may not understand. We all carry our share of heartache but some resonates very deep or touches the part of us at our most vulnerable. To say this doesn't mean that these feelings are ever present - it just means they remain unanswered and pulse, only occassionally, like a star in the night.

Because I counsel grief and because it is most especially a difficult time for many of us, I hold others pain confidentially. Some of it resonates in my soul and speaks softly and clearly to me of old wounds never resolved. Sure, I have worked on my issues. Many times. Many times. My growth has been 100 fold and I am incredibly proud of the strength and esteem I have gathered through my life experiences. Most especially, I have retained my empathy and compassion; my giant heart. It is the quality of goodness that I hold and work intently to maintain. However, there is still that voice of certain unresolve and it leaves me confused, yet clear.

I want to address this clearly before I write. I am married to the most amazing man who is patient and tolerant of me. He is simply who he is; a husband who loves me for who I am. We are the best of friends, truly, and walk parallel to each other in this life. He is aware of all of my goodness and all of the sidesteps I have made during our times together. He also knows the whys. He has made his own sidesteps and he is also filled with goodness. His most amazing quality if that of acceptance and forgiveness. I have become more about the grace of offering these gifts in knowing him. It is like any marriage - not perfect. Perhaps many of you have that yourselves. But it is wonderful just the same because we learn more and experience more with each other. And that is where I am at this time. And I am content and happy.

Sarah MacLachlan sings, "I will not forget you." She and this song is a part of that relational confusion of my past. I once completely and totally loved a man who promised me more than he ever knew he was able to give. I believe in his giving heart, there was a sincere wish to be able to give me what I was missing due to my childhood abuse, lack of self esteem, emotional pain and my intense sadness at never being enough for anyone. I also made him promises but was crippled by the tape playing in head that for whatever reason continued to tell me I did not deserve this kind of love. We came together and separated many times. There were issues on my side. Issues on his side. I think neither of us was experienced enough to tackle the pain we caused each other, yet the ties of love or fantasy always bound us, even though we both hurt each other terribly. I also want to be clear that he has long since moved on and I am alone in my own unresolved issues. I am sure he cares on some level about my well being; how couldn't he? We grew up together and are formed from those experiences. But some powerful things he said stick and have caused me to feel paralized.

The part that reoccurs for me has to do with my abandonment issues. As an adoptee, I always felt tossed away. This was buried very deep in my subconcious. I was unaware of how this pain affected every facet of my life. My adoptive family was challenging. My father loved me as best as he was able - but he was dealing with an unfulfilling marriage and probably the pain of goals unachieved he hoped he'd reach. He just never got "there" and dealt with his issues by becoming an alcoholic. My mother was angry because her life was not that big beautiful home with the white picket fence. She wanted to be a mother, but expected something other than she got so she took her torment out on her husband and my sister and I. Most unfortunately, my sister & I continue to work at repairing the damage both of our parents inflicted. We are at least able to converse and feel empathy for each other which is big step in this short life.

In my final decision to uproot my life to spend this fantasy life with the person I truly loved more than myself (his perception is different) - I let go of all ties and security that made me feel grounded and safe. My home, my marriage, my business, my friends, my family, my inner security, etc. You must also know that some of those issues were easy to let go. Others were incredibly challenging of course. But I was totally convinced - truly and honestly - this is from the tips of my toes for sure - that I was meant to be with this person. He was my soul mate. I believed that. He made me believe that.

A few weeks - maybe two or three - before the complete transformation of my life, I was visiting him and we were having a coffee and a cinnamon roll at Heartland. It is a place long since gone but that I loved to go to. I just loved that I could "be" with him. I did have concerns because he would hold things and then I would feel punished when he brought them up. It was at that moment he told me that he really wanted to finish his degree. I would never stop someone I loved from doing anything that meant the world for them so I asked him if that was what he really wanted. It was that. Not to be selfish - but at that moment, I really needed it to be me. Partially because of all I had given up... because I needed his strength and love to anchor myself and because I was so frightened. I would say more accurately paralized with terror.
At any other time or under any other circumstance, I would have been completely open to it. But I had my work obligation to fulfill to my mentor and I simply had to work. I had signed a lease. I had to move. I had rented my home. I had to leave.

Then the words that changed the course or path of my life. I told him if that's what he wanted, then he must do what he needs to. At that moment, something slammed shut. The tapes began to run endlessly - "no one will ever love you as much as I do". Words he had uttered to me over and over again. At that moment I felt completely unlovable. I felt like a fire hydrant that had been pissed on. The pain was so deep and because my heart was closed, I was unable to express it. I couldn't even tell anyone about it that was a close friend. I was ashamed. I felt unworthy. The pain was devastating to say the least and transformed my entire life. The path I was excited to take was blocked by a giant boulder of my minds creation. And I shrunk to the size of an infant. Unable to make any decision about anything because I was in incredible pain.

And at that moment I had to make it over. I didn't say it. I never was honest about it. But I knew it from that moment. The guilt I feel for being dishonest hurts me to this day because he meant so much to me. He hurt me horribly by not considering what I had done to clear the path for us to be together. The very fact that I was unable to share my truth hurts me to this day. My pride has kept me from expressing this to this day. But the only way to let it go is to express it and ask myself for forgiveness for what could have been. What I thought should have been at that time. And I need to find the room to forgive him as well because I hold the memory of him as an arrogant, self centered person with no regard for the sacrifices I had made. He remains one who holds anything I say in a critical manner only to regurgitate it at a time he feels appropriate in order to hurt or shame me.

Somewhere, many years ago, I knew on some level he was unable to give me what he promised because in all the times he was able to fulfill his promises in words, he would regress and pull back. So I was definitely not the right person for him to be sure. I just wish he could have been honest with me as well. I guess we'll never know. Maybe in the next life when we come together again to dance the dance. I see myself as a sage so hopefully I have finally learned my lesson in this relationship.

So I have said it. That that moment altered the course of my life forever. Everything I believed had to change. I was completely resistant to it which came out in the form of a total nervous breakdown leaving me with anxiety issues and debilitating panic attacks where every painful part of my past was exposed like a fresh burn. It was the most painful time of my life. It was also the greatest gift of my life. I learned that love is expressed through actions. I knew I had expressed my love through my actions so I felt no guilt. I came to believe none of the words were true and accepted that I was part of a larger plan to fulfill someone else's desires or goals. Boy that was a tough one to accept considering how enmeshed my mind was in his life. I was in such dire need of his validation and love while at the same time stubbornly reacted to him when he would try to influence my thinking. I wanted to maintain this false sense of independence I thought I had. And with that had to come the person who learned her worth was far more than what she did for a living or for others. That I mattered and that I deserved to be loved and cared for simply for the way I was created. I had to tell myself repeated that I was perfect in every way - that I just needed to fine tune my heart and be very careful who I shared it with.

So there you have it. He reenters my life in my dream space. Some are so beautiful. Some very hurtful. All connect with special memories, both joyous and painful. All teach me about growth and loss. It can be incredibly confusing however, because of these mindful teachings, I find I am able to express myself in ways I may have once found fearful.

So to sum it up - the "beauty" of youth is truly wasted on the young of age. Only when we mature, do we find the real answers we search for about and within ourselves. And in that, we can make informed, intellectual choices that truly suit our life goals and dreams. Mine ended up coming true for me but on an altered and crippled path. Not how I would have chosen to accomplish them in a perfect world. Truly, I wouldn't wish to experience any of that pain again however, it brought me to this amazingly beautiful place in my life. And for that, I am grateful. Very grateful.