the show's half over...

Well - actually more than that as I realize watching old videos of my gorgeous child. The youthfulness and excitement of watching my young mama self. I love seeing the pure joy and happiness in my eyes. I am sparkling. And watching them made me excited to sparkle again. Every moment is one of discovery with Kami. Every moment is more discovery and learning for myself. I guess I thought I would have had it all by this age but I am truly still learning. I see the neediness in me. I see my need to fill places never filled appropriately in my childhood. I see more strength and determination to speak my truth. And most of all, I see fulfillment in being the person I visualize myself as. A purveyor of only love and goodness in relationships.


Each action has an equal and opposite reaction. This was my lesson from last year. For all I do, I must do more. Because in doing more, I am rewarded in many more ways. I am not talking about material rewards - I am speaking of those related to kind hearts. The spreading of the message of what life is really about. And avoiding those who are simply young souls and don't get it. And the biggest lesson of all is to let people walk their own journeys because I am simply not responsible to fix, to lead them or even tell them the route to take. Even when they ask. Maybe I look like I have the answers but I think I have learned through hard knocks to save those secrets for the people in my life that I truly can trust. My energy has shifted. I need to give myself what I need. Not others who lack genuine concern about me. I can be kind. But I can have boundaries. My kindness can be very specific and clear. It can be sent lacking a truly attached heart and I am smart enough to know how to do this. It requires me cutting back on how approachable I can be. But it is necessary considering what I have endured over the past several months giving so much of myself away that there was nothing left for my family, let alone myself, to fall back on.


I was lucky in all that chaos that God protected me from myself and kept me healthy when emotionally I was not doing well at all. I have immense gratitude for those who stood by me and gave me the confidence to move forward despite my extreme fears. I made huge mistakes. Huge! But in forgiveness of others, and most importantly, myself, I have come to understand what I was really looking for. The price I paid was my own. My health and happiness. But I am back now. Feeling refreshed and renewed. And ready for some new challenges to appear before me. I can't wait to see what doors open. It has been a lot of hard work just pushing up and out of the tunnel however so worth the energy expended. 


Where will I be in 6 months? I don't really know. I have opened doors in two opposite directions. It is like rolling the dice and letting God decide my destiny. Whatever it is, it will be fabulous and it will be right. And I am excited to see what really unfolds. In fact - I truly can't wait!