Leap...

I was reading over some old writing of mine in another blog that I once shared with a friend. I wanted to reflect - to take a closer look at the person I once was, or rather, as the person I am coming to discover I really am.  Not much different really. I believe that in every stage of your life, you are laid bare to the elements. The pain of my experience was all consuming. Unlike anything I have experienced in such a long time. And it all still comes and goes in waves. It is not unlike profound grief. And I expect I will feel it for the rest of my life as I recall what I once believed was true.


I remain one that comes from love that sincerely looks naively at situations and attempts to see only goodness in that situation. More profound is how I seem to recognize, whether by sign, signal or intuition, that I am completely aware and alert of the freight train coming my direction. On some level, I believe that faith and hope play huge roles in how I think.  How I believe. The outcomes often do nothing to boost my self nurturing. Perhaps that lesson is to give it to myself. To trust myself. To believe in myself.


I keep a special recess for promise. Of better things to come. I am also learning that I am so incredibly capable - making me able to accomplish so much more than most are aware I am able to. And in order to capture the divinity that God gave me, it becomes my responsibility to hone these skills and work extra hard to make them surface. Make the life I dream of my reality.


The past few weeks have opened my eyes to possibilities I had long since buried in my own self pity. All the self confidence that my mental health diagnosis, my own stubbornness and my deep seated fears took away from me. I still hold those fears - but why? What is it I am still afraid of? Certainly it should be nothing where my ability to accomplish things lies. I can do anything I set my mind to. Truly. I have an impressive curriculum vitae - I have completed several lifetime goals in my short 49 years. And I should only be proud. So why be afraid? Life is a series of challenges and I so do want to accomplish more. Meet those challenges with courage. I am a force to reckon with and I deserve to be respected for the talents God gave me. And I am coming to see that they are appreciated and praised even when I feel like I am unworthy. Those are my insecurities. Not the reality of what I comprise. 


So despite the broken promises as well as the attempts to sabotage my wellness and control the outcome of my thoughts and intentions, I remain strong and believe the underlying truths shared. They mean more. They are the building blocks of my life force. I am smart. I am strong. I deserve so much. I can do so much. I just need to step off that fear precipice and leap.


And I think I just might.