what about me...

What about me?
So inconsequential - I have been conditioned from an infant to believe that my feelings don't matter. That I don't have feelings. Or at the very least shouldn't have them.
I sat and listened to several people in deep agony today. A place I am at but unable to show. You see a smile. And in my heart the hope and promise of something better. Something that aligns with the vision I once had for myself.
Everything I have ever worked for monetarily is gone. Nothing prepared me for the tornado that took my life savings and dreams for my future away from me. My home? I am two and a half years behind on my second mortgage. And now two months behind on my first. And I had more than one hundred thousand in this - my home. So my home is soon to be gone.
My automobile has been hit by three different people. All of them cared not to leave their name so in order for it to be repaired, I have to reach into my top hat and instead of pulling out a rabbit, I need to pull out $5,000.00. Where does that come from? Why didn't anyone care about my car or my feelings? I would care about them. Incomprehensible. My brain won't comprehend anyone being so cruel.
The people who said they would never back down on supporting my daughter's education took her scholarship away - I remember hearing the words, "We could do so much more for kids in college with that money than spending it on private school tuition for Kami." My heart broke in that moment. I do remember sobbing. Hard. It was my child after all.  I passed the two new Lexus' in the driveway as I left with the mascara I was wearing all over my face.
Then my sweet child is missing four permanent molars. They simply do not exist. In order to make her feel normal and have a regular smile, it will take a mere $22,500.00.
All the while, I try to find a way to repair the stucco damage on our home, the deck, fence and house that desperately needs painting and the furnace that must be replaced for over $5,000.00. On a house I really don't own anymore but care so much about.
Unfortunately, I can't find out my daughter's grades because I can't afford to pay what's owing on her tuition - $2,500.00. This was never supposed to be my bill but how to you sue people that are endlessly richer than you'll ever be?
And then there are the unending medical bills that total over $2,000.00 from my husband's stroke that are long past due.
Not to mention two crowns and a myriad of dental bills along with a new disease diagnosis - polycystic ovaries. Just fucking fabulous. An another $4,000.00. And they tell me I can get pregnant? If the doctor only knew.
And no sex. A husband who loves me but cannot be sexual. How painful to not be touched. But he remains my best friend. It is a safe place for me and I love that he protects me in the only way he knows how. I do feel lonely a lot. Lonely in love with my best friend. Out comes the chocolate marshmallow bunny to ease the pain.
All this before my 50th Birthday coming up soon. Not ever where I thought I would be. I am incredibly disappointed in what has happened that I could not control in my life and that includes being disappointed in myself. I am disappointed in people in general. This disappointment makes me try harder with people to show them the love I believe I deserve. So in giving it, I feel like I am able to give what isn't given to me. And it is a gift I can give without cost.
So what did I do to combat all this stress? I bury my heart and soul into my personal relationships. And the one relationship I trusted the most betrayed me. I have never been betrayed before - truly. It is because I trust and give so freely. I believe and I support and hold the people I love with such amazing esteem. I am loyal - a forever friend. And what happened to me was completely unexpected. Unconscionable and totally abusive. It was the end of a long list of painful events that have occurred over the course of 2 1/2 years to bring me to my knees.
When people let you down, it hurts so much more exponentially than anything else. Most especially if you are one who loves and shares and is honest and trusting. Me getting screwed in every way? Never had it happen. And it is painful for me to even think about. Ouch. The wound may not gape open but it hurts. It hurts ME and has made me question my values and how I evaluate my friendships. Quite frankly, I won't allow that kind of closeness again. I am back in my box. It feels lonely but safe in every way.
Finally - my definition of a mother is love. Seven days with Alice and she pummels me with angry rages and insults. In fact she totally believes I am the one with the problems. The one that cause all her problems. And if that makes her happy, well then let her believe it. I have never received that unconditional acceptance or love from the person who calls herself my mother. And I ache for it in every way. I have looked for a mom all my life. And the funny part is that they're all taken. I'll never have the mother I deserved to have as a child. Such a huge grief piece for me.
So have I considered and weighed solutions? Well definitely. Every single one that you can think of has entered my wandering mind. Suicide - every now and then. I've spent too much on life insurance to throw that away. It is the only investment left for my child. Running away or maybe disappearing? - all the time. Leaving the country - currently ranking number one. Getting a divorce - not crazy about it at this moment. Just dying in one place - every second? Such a slow way to go. Eating my pain away. Sure, my daughter says I am the strongest woman she knows. That I show tremendous courage. But I don't have the courage or maybe it's the control to stop what's happening to my life.  Every breath I take where I witness things not evolving makes me feel like my very spirit is dying a slow death. The enthusiastic upbeat girl is wearing out. I am getting tired. And truly, I don't know how much more energy I have physically or emotionally to carry on.
Why doesn't the pain stop? Why doesn't the universe think I have endured enough? I suppose I get comfort helping people in pain because I feel the same level of pain that they do. And I admire their courage. They look at me and see something quite different than the reality. So I can bare that truth and reality to others in pain. They understand because they are there in a much more visible way than I. It is the common thread. And I grow to love them because we are walking the same scary path - between survival and winning the battle and failure or giving up and losing the fight. Like being on a tightrope.
Enter finally the sunshine.Enter finally the face of the only thing that truly makes my life worthwhile. My child. The little girl I love more than life itself. The child I wanted so badly, who I can get to be a mother with. To be the mother I never had but certainly deserve. Truly, if it weren't for her, I might not keep trying so desperately to make things better. To make things right. She deserves a great life. And certainly she receives love in spades. As much love as my heart can hold. She is the very reason I survive and keep fighting the good fight. People may think their actions haven't hurt me. But they do. They have hurt me and changed the core of who I am. But my daughter? She is innocence and pure love. And I am blessed by this amazing child who really believes I am the mother of the year. How blessed am I?
So my gratitude is to Mary Kamisha. My lighthouse in the perfect storm. She guides me back to what matters. She shows me every day how much I matter. She doesn't take away what I have worked for, she doesn't betray me - she accepts me, lumps and all - for the mother I try so hard to be. She knows I make mistakes but she loves me regardless. And I have endless gratitude for her. She is my greatest teacher and my truest love. I'll bet a lot of people don't have what I have. And I imagine that may be the reason no other gifts have come my way lately. Because I have already received one greater than most others will ever know.
So now I must go. Because it is time to cuddle with her. And it is the only moment of the day that brings me pure joy anymore. I simply can't miss one moment of it.