You know - this is an excellent question. What AM I waiting for? What do I need to move forward. To take the steps I need to rebuild everything I have lost over the past 15 years since my health rapidly declined and took what I perceived to be my power away.
Well the first thing would be to build a base of security all around me. I have stuff. I don't need more stuff. I need financial security. I lost everything I had purchasing those things to make my American middle class dream come true. Some wall street greedy bastard took that all away from me. And I worked hard to be able to do those things for myself. Very very hard. Interestingly enough, I have done it twice already. Once leaving behind everything in a home I purchased and invested in with DW. And now, to the greedy bastards of wall street & the past 15 years of trying to find happiness for my partner. And I once had such confidence and self esteem. That is not gone. I have allowed myself to believe it has but it is still there. Because I remain extremely driven to succeed. In fact, I know I will succeed.What seems to hold me back is succeeding in just what? I certainly was once of the best interior designers in Canada. Maybe I should list my skills. See what comes up from the list.
1) Licensed Commercial Interior Designer (however 15 years away from private practice),
2) Executive Director familiar with Non-profit work in many specialties.
3) Successful in Marketing, Promotion and Sales.
4) Successful Grant Writer
5) Volunteer Coordinator
6) Idea Person
7) Have owned several of my own businesses for the past 25 years. Sold one successfully for a profit.
8) Detail Oriented. People pleaser.
9) Artistic.
10) Able to operate my own business or work well with others.
11) Studied and continue to study Grief Therapy. Interested in working in Grief Therapy/Art Therapy.
12) Would like to own Green Cemetery.
13) Am creative and artistic.
14) Sit or have sat on several Boards.
15) Love music.
16) People person extraordinaire. People are drawn to me.
17) I am a writer. And a ghostwriter.
So how can I take these skills and make them work? Let's make a list of what I need right now or want for my future.
1) Financial security month to month.
2) Re-establish a retirement account so I have financial security for later.
3) To feel safe and secure enough in myself to be able to make this happen. So perhaps that is empowerment to some degree. A renewed belief in my ability and self esteem.
4) To be financially independent.
5) I want my daughter to feel safe, cared for and be able to provide for her every need - this may also mean her continuation at Private School.
6) Think about Roth IRAS for my daughter for college. I need to apply for dual citizenship should she decide (crossing my fingers) to go to college in Canada. So dual residency.
7) On a personal level? The strength I once had to conquer the world and the belief that anything I put my mind to I can have. This is one value my father strongly set in me. It's there. It needs to have it's rebirth. Big time.
8) I want a convertible.
9) I want to be able to retire someday to a cabin in the mountains somewhere. Small.
10) I want a loving life partner who respects me and loves me for exactly who I am. And I will do the same. I want peace, love and laughter to flow freely through my little cabin in the woods.
11) I want the strength to stand by those values, goals and dreams and make them come true.
12) I want an autoharp and I want to learn to play my hammered dulcimer.
13) Better physical health, more weight loss and strong muscles to lift myself up!
So exactly what AM I waiting for? Nothing. I need to get off my ass and get going. And so does my mirror. Truthfully. Because time is a wasting. And life is much to short to let time pass anyone by. I have a lot to do. So do you!
What are YOU waiting for? As my friend would say, this is 2011 - the year of Wendy so come and join me for the ride.
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