goodbye my friend

Today - I dedicate this to my once forever friend Steve. He had a serious mental illness. He was also an alcoholic. But he was most of all, a human being. He was very ill. But he also tried very hard to be well. There were many obstacles in his way. The one thing I wish to say is that there is nothing he loved more than his children. Nothing. He fought the alcoholism and his horrible relationship with his partner to stay in his familial home, so he'd be present for his girls. And in the end, working against his heart and mind's deepest desires and fondest wishes, it finally killed him. He lost everything he valued. Everything in this earthly life.  Now his children will forever believe he abandoned them. 

Steve, you were no different than my father. He had to die slowly from cancer. And he had to drink endlessly to deal with his miserable life and marriage. His life simply never went the way he had so hoped. And finally, I lost my father. It's been 20 long years and there isn't a thing I wouldn't do to bring him back to my arms.

Steve, you should have reached harder. You had the tools and the skills. I believed in you. So did so many other people. Many of us go through horrible struggles but we fight hard. We fight for our lives. I guess being stoic wasn't enough. All I can do is pray that you are finally at peace. And I am sorry for anything I did inadvertently and without thinking, to ever contribute to all of your feelings of loss. Because I do not know how you departed, my assumptions are dark and dismal. My fondest wish is that I can retract my anger knowing you had a heart attack in your sleep. Right now, I want to hit you with a bat. (Just kidding...)

I cared very deeply for you. I loved your desire to be well and the promise of a better future so dearly. I wanted that for you more than you wanted it for yourself. You were a true friend for a snapshot in time. And I will never forget you. Never.

Rest peacefully. It's been so much sadness and too much war for you. Heaven must be like pure bliss. Soar with the angels, friend. I just cannot believe you are gone.