You know - I just love to write. I am really not sure why but it feels like the purest form of expression for me. I can say how I feel and know I have laid my heart out on my sleeve. And maybe someone will see how I feel and say, gee - I feel that same way. I am struggling a lot because I am trying to understand all these new things going on in my life. To their credit, they have been amazingly positive. I am happy, filled with hope and wonder and truly, the joy of possibilities again. I think a lot of this comes from the empowerment I am getting from friends who wish me to soar high into the sky and go for what is new and exciting and achievable in my life. And they want to join me on that journey because it empowers them also. It isn't without lots of risks - most especially my familial - my beautifully delicious child. I am exploring traveling for work and am not sure about how to make this work quite yet. The financial pressure is so difficult for me not to mention that I have no set purpose or passion in my life that pays me enough to support myself well. I fill my passion with people whose lives are already full so why in the world would they care to want me hanging around making them nervous? I am just saying that life has it's course, and with everything we've lost collectively - well actually - I have completely lost my stability, my self esteem, my retirement and my drive to succeed (almost) - I think it would be quite empowering to make serious changes in my life. A friend I know makes a lot of money at a job he is good at. I look at that and think, that could be me. Why isn't that me? I'm smart. I used to make that kind of money. It bought me a lot of freedom. And I am 49 and only have so much time left. Is that really true? What is true? But then I think of the importance of the sacrifices I have made for my daughter, My husband never respected those choices and I had to fight to stay home with her. And now I am theoretically to blame for everything that has happened to us financially even though I brought in all the financial stability into this marriage. It is as though my ceasing to work made me an easy target for the rage of the losses we incurred that came during the economic crash. Doesn't anyone believe that I do feel somewhat responsible for that? If you live under that kind of pressure you do come to believe you are at fault. It is only natural. So now - I feel this pressure to get out and make a lot of money. After all. I once carried our house 150 fold. What is so wrong with me that I can't do that now? It is said in hushed words but never aloud. Where do I go with this? Do I just slam the market with resumes? I tried to carry two homes before and it was way beyond the moon for expenses. Doable but stupid. And now my friend Pat, who has been pounding the pavement for work for a long time finally got a job in New York. Let me just say that I am envious completely and naturally very proud of her. It was a big decision for her to do but she is able to it and it shows me that, yes.... it can be done. Well - only time will tell. I am not holding my breath but there are a couple of avenues I can explore. And I think it is time to do that. Sitting here waiting for someone to make my dreams come true is really unfair to them. And they aren't in the place to make that happen, nor am I a priority in that regard. It just is what it is so I think I will just follow the forward momentum and see what happens. Hmmmm. Maybe it is time to go back to Canada? Maybe that job lead is worth fighting for?
Took the sleeping pill. Lit a candle. Said my prayers. Had a warm bath. Brushed my teeth. Took my hair down. Swallowed my vitamins. Turned the sleep button on my iNotes to low volume jazz. Checked my iPhone for any last messages. Turned the sound off. Anticipated the moment my naked body would hit the cold sheets. Hmmmm. I love cold sheets and a down comforter in a cold room. Crawled in. Slid my flannel pillow between my legs. Got comfortable. I shut my eyes.
Gary barks at me, "so listen - what cable stations do you want from Cox?"
I reply, "I highlighted the channels that Kami and I watch. As long as those are included, we will be happy."
Gary shouts - "WELL YOU PICKED THE MOST EXPENSIVE GODDAMN CHANNELS ON THIER PLAN. AND THEN A DVR AND THEN THEY CHARGE BLAH BLAH BLAH FOR HOOK-UP. I CAN'T SEE HOW THIS IS CHEAPER THAN DIRECT TV. I KNOW YOU SAID THEY OFFER DEALS IF YOU SWITCH BUT I DON'T SEE ANY DEALS HERE. I KNOW IT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ALREADY HAVE."
Now remember I have researched all of this already. I am simply asking him to complete a task.
"Well just let it go Gary. I will take care of it tomorrow, OK."
Gary shouts - "WHY IS IT YOU THINK I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING. WHY DO YOU THINK I AM AN IDIOT? WHAT IS THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?"
OK - This is really just a small example of what I endure every day here. I think this stroke has affected the rational part of his brain. He simply escalates for no reason. So I post this only so those of you who know him well can see the change in his behavior. I think I need to call the neurologist and get a scan. This isn't the Gary I have known for years.
I know - you all know, I can be pretty stubborn and don't mix words. So I had to end the conversation before I left the house. The next would be me.
"GARY, NO ONE SAID YOU WERE STUPID. CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I AM TRYING TO CALM MYSELF DOWN HERE TO TRY TO GO TO SLEEP? WHY NOW? AND STOP YELLING FOR CHRIST'S SAKE. YOU WANT ME TO MOVE OUT TO GET SOME SLEEP?"
Gary responds still yelling - "NO I DON'T WANT YOU TO MOVE OUT. IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT WHAT STATIONS I PICK THEN JUST GO TO SLEEP."
So I did. And so this is my life. Are all married couples like this? Oh - and I slept like a baby.
My darling beautiful child says to me tonight - mama - I know you went walk running with your friends last week. Can I help you get better at it? I just finished my halibut for dinner with green beans and a salad and I thought... hmmm. I wonder. So I put on my little nylon shorts and shirt, my running shoes and said, "OK - let's go around the subdivision. However, know this. I do not run. I only walk and then a little jog." SO off we went. I started jogging. My knees didn't hurt (they always hurt). So I kept jogging. Well - here is what is completely unbelievable. I made it all the way around jogging. I didn't stop. Of course, seriously, she ran circles around me and laughed and encouraged me to keep going. It was so much fun. Really. Now here's the deal. I don't get that high you exercise maniacs get. I simply do not have that endorphine high and have been tested for it. However, I kept going and I feel fabulous for finishing. I didn't get sick (my mother always told me I could never run). And I am sitting here writing about it like I just finished a marathon because it really feels that good. Thank you sweet girl. I think we may have to do this EVERY night! Oh - and I am down 15 now. Awesome for me. It's amazing what love can do when you feel it. Time for a shower.
I gotta tell you that I do love this song. I can't tell you quite why - I think it is because it represents the music my parents hated to listen to when I was a kid - playing it endlessly. However, I think they were able to understand the lyrics, kind of. What makes this sound so cool to me, is you can't understand a word Kurt Cobain is saying. Drunk or sober, none of it makes a lick of sense to me. I have read the lyrics. They are odd enough. I do like the albino mosquito part... the melody line is great. The song really does wrap itself around you in a rock and roll kind of way. A bit haunting and certainly a great teenage party song. I think the escalation of Kobain to where he sings hello endlessly and then starts screaming really speaks to the hormonal spurt teenagers go through - this is a stretch because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking ahout - but that I WANNA GROW UP NOW kind of angst. Hello! Like we've all been there. And wanted to scream at our parents. Fools that they were. (Not really - just have heard to much Cobain over the last few days!) Stupid and contageous. Here we now. Entertain us. Sounds like my kid!
I have a lot on my shoulders now. So much to do. And it is exciting and overwhelming all at the same time. Sometimes it feels like my life should be a breeze. I mean, I do all I can to follow the golden rule. Some of the challenges I face simply come from the assumption that everyone plays by the same rules. Not true. And each time it happens, I am forced to face it again and again. It gets really hard when you genuinely wish to work things out. One thing about me - I don't walk away from situations. I want to solve them at the moment they occur. I do not like walking away without some form of truce or peace. This comes from my father being so incredibly stubborn that he would table discussions that he was losing until he hoped they would disappear. Of course, that stuff just builds up inside of you and causes you incredible angst and pain. "This topic is no longer up for discussion." I absolutely abhor that statement. In this situation I had to face, I was not given the reason nor the opportunity to refute. It is the most unusual one I have ever been presented. So I held firm to my belief of broken trust and fidelity however I expressed kindly my desire to resolve it. Unfortunately it was not meant to be. And that is life. So the best news of all of this, despite my human empathy, is that it is finally over and I can move forward and let it go. Hopefully this will allow me to refocus on what I am passionate about and get going. So that is the good news for sure! I do love what I do and the people I work with. They are the blessings in my life and they have seen the dedication, love and respect that I have shown them as my equal. There are not enough words to feel like I have fallen into the big fireman's rescue net and survived intact. So to all of you - I love my peers. Stay strong and remember I am here for all of you with a great big open and loving heart. And I mean that.
Tired of injustice
Tired of the schemes
The lies are disgusting
So what does it mean
Kicking me down
I got to get up
As jacked as it sounds
The whole system sucks
Peek in the shadow
Come into the light
You tell me I’m wrong
Then you better prove you’re right
You’re sellin’ out souls but
I care about mine
I’ve got to get stronger
And I won’t give up the fight
With such confusions don’t it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin’ victimize within the scheme
You try to cope with every lie they scrutinize
Somebody please have mercy
’cause I just can’t take it
Stop pressurin’ me
Just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me
Make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin’ me
Just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me
Make you just wanna scream
Tired of you tellin’ the story your way
It’s causin’ confusion
You think it’s okay
You keep changin’ the rules
While I keep playin’ the game
I can’t take it much longer
I think I might go insane
With such confusion don’t it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin’ victimize within the scheme
You find your pleasure scandalizin’ every lie
Oh father, please have mercy ’cause I just can’t take it
Stop pressurin’ me
Just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me
Make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin’ me
Just stop pressurin’ me
Stop fuckin’ with me
Make me wanna scream
"oh my god, can’t believe what I saw
As I turned on the tv this evening
I was disgusted by all the injustice
All the injustice"
"all the injustice"
"a man has been brutally beaten to death by
Police after being wrongly identified as a
Robbery suspect. the man was
An 18 year old black male..."
With such collusions don’t it make you wanna scream
Your bash abusin’ victimize within the scheme
You try to cope with every lie they scrutinize
Oh brother please have mercy’cause I just can’t take it
Stop pressurin’ me just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin’ me just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin’ me just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me make me wanna scream
Stop pressurin’ me just stop pressurin’ me
Stop pressurin’ me make me wanna scream
Love Daryl Hall. Just do. Wish I had that much talent. I love watching people play. Just jamming. This is from "Live from Daryl's House" - he jams with other musicians at his home and streamlinks the performances. Sara Smile - the song the girl wants her guy to sing to her. Love it. Clean simple lyrics. Wendy's smiliing... :)
You know - I just love to write. I am really not sure why but it feels like the purest form of expression for me. I can say how I feel and know I have laid my heart out on my sleeve. And maybe someone will see how I feel and say, gee - I feel that same way.
